Saturday, March 21, 2009

I am writing you from inside my new, very amazing theatre on my dinner break. I am a loner. I like to sit by myself and write my book, work on company stuff and/or eat beans, rice and cheese. I am looking at a giant 20 foot pumpkin. Pretty amazing.

Today we are in “tech” and Hobo is not reacting well. She CANNOT be left alone for very long or she gets upset. This is the reason that I have her right now because her daddy is in writing mode and will leave her alone for hours without attention and she can’t handle it. MY roomies are helping, and she is playing with the other doggies and getting love, but not from me, and it makes her and me upset. She’s been throwing up. She’s like a mini-human, she just gets so upset when we are apart. These 10 hour tech days are going to kill my poor hobo loving heart. Sorry Mom too.

We have made it all the way through the 3rd number in the show. Tech is a brutally slow process. It is the time that the dancers and singers take the stage, and the sound, lights, automation all set in...

(jerry comes and sits by me as I type, asks me how I am feeling)

Jerry Mitchell tells me a story about how when he was 31 years old he broke up with his boyfriend of 7 years and thought he would die. That he really believed that this was the person he would spend the rest of his life with. (been there!) He tells me that the next year, after joining will rogers follies and getting into amazing shape, and as a way of getting his self esteem back he created the first broadway bares, over the next 19 years, the massiveness of broadway bares has lead to Peep Show. Broadway bares etched Jerry’s name as the most sought after director on broadway and in movies. He tells me about how much it hurt, how massive his wound was and how much passion he discvoered within that pain. He tells me about feeling like he would never trust anyone, any human ever again, and he told me it took him 10 years to ever really trust anyone. TEN years.

He tells me that, he wants me to know how beautiful I am, how amazing I look on stage, and how good I am in his show. He wants me to know how glad he is that I came to Vegas to open his dream show with him. He tells me that everything will be ok and that this is a chance for me to redefine myself, and that I was never ment to be some guys girl, that I stand too tall on my own, I could never be a sidekick. He tells me that I only see a tiny portion of the actual beauty I possess. He tells me to look at the stage, take it all in and know that THIS, this is what really matters. The stage isn't leaving, and to focus on that.

I tell him about how well I am doing, and how, even when I am hurting, that I am also healing and feel so much better already in just a month. I tell him everything I am focusing on, my book, my clothing line, my dvds, this amazing show...and I tell him that I do not just want to be like everyone else, I am not every dancer. I want more. I want an empire, a name, I want to be him one day, and he tells me that I will have it all, because anything is possible.

I hold back my tears and I try not to cry. ( not cry in front of jerry, do not cry in front of jerry)

I have never seen Jerry upset. I have never seen him not smiling. I have never seen him not in awe of the world. I see so much of myself in him and I am so thankful that he shared his story with me. Life is such an adventure and if you told me 5 years ago that one day I would be having a heart to heart with someone as famous and special as Jerry I would have never believed it. I really feel like I am on the verge of something spectacular.

I am sitting watching Jerry plan lighting in this amazing show and Mel B play with her adorable 2 year old named angel and I am filled with so much faith.

“I’ve never felt more alone, and I’ve never felt more alive.”

ps. Vanessa went to see Matt Nathanson play and look what she did. I guess he is on team keltie? Van and I are obviously on team "matt is my future hypothetical boyfriend". So cute!