Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You get better.

I few days ago I got a really bad case of the bullies. You know, the day when for some reason the universe decided to spend some energy on sending some people your way who for some reason have enough extra time and energy in their lives to point out your flaws, misgivings and say nasty things.

I talked about how I thought that "it gets better" is sort of a interesting choice of words. I am thankful to the people who have got the media talking about this really important subject, and I am also thankful that their are ways for people who are lost and searching for some support to find some. Suicide is never the right choice and nothing on earth is worth shortening your time. Perhaps it did get better for the celebs involved that have jumped on the bandwagon of having a tough childhood and then spouting off about it... For me personally, it never got better. When I was in high school I got picked on, had eggs cracked into my hair before class, was thrown in rivers, had shaving cream sprayed into my pants, was called every name in the book, was forced to drink the hockey team captains piss...the list goes on...

Today, almost 10 years later, I still get bullied on a daily basis. What I feel bad for, this generation of young adults for, is that, they have to deal with the cyber bullies...so much worse. At least when "unnamed girl" from my HS was cracking eggs into my hair before class, I knew who to be angry at. Now we are faced with the faceless anonymous people that can hide in their bedrooms behind icon photos and words on a screen.

What I would like to clarify about my comments last week is that, yes, it does get better...in a way. I don't want you to think that once you get out of school that the bullies will stop, however. They most likely won't. I like to think that most people are bright shining stars, when we threaten to out-shine these bullies, and whether or not they admit it, most forms of hate grow from a tree of jealousy.

What does get better each and everyday, is your own personal strength. You learn to not let other peoples actions determine your own self worth. You learn that other peoples opinions do not really count in the big score of your life. You learn to love the things that make you different and relish in them and stand proudly to support them, even if it seems to be an "un-popular" choice. You learn that YOU get to decide how others make you feel, not the other way around. You get strong enough to ignore the haters.

I have learned a little trick over the years...and it really works. When someone bullies me, or hates on me. I simply send them love. I think about them, their ridiculous screen name, or there angry face and I simply take all the love in my heart and send it their way. It is obvious to me that anyone that would be so cruel to another human being must have a huge void of love in their heart, and they must be in need of some. I have so much love given to me on a daily basis that I have excess to share.

I wanted you to know that if you feel weak right now, or ever, that you just have to hold on. There have been many nights in my life, a few of them I talk about in my book, that I really just wanted to be done with life. I am so glad that instead, I decided to make a cup of sleepy-time tea and put my sad self to bed. I am so glad that I gave myself the chance to wake up the next morning and see the sun shining and know that I was a tiny bit stronger than I was the day before.

This life is such a magical force and there are so many things to see and love and be, and they are all worth it. The things that make your different, make you special. You cannot see it now but there is a massive movement going on, our generation saw Obama, gay-marriage and some form of national health-care. The pendulum is only half through this giant swing and I cannot wait for the day when LBGT rights feel the same as women being able to vote. Change is coming, we are a strong and important generation.

Hang on army. YOU get better.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Tell you I wanna go...but I wanna stay.

I have spent my life lusting after unfathomable things.

I want "tom" from 500 days of summer to be a real life human, complete with brown cardigans and messenger bags.

I want to dance for Janet Jackson.

I want to be the best at everything, over-coming my undeniable lack of any god given talent at any of those "things".

In the areas of my heart there a few things I really, really want. When I get them I inevitably can be seen running full speed in the opposite direction. If you promise to love someone forever, I am well aware that one of two outcomes are imminent:

I will lose them.


I will die.

Both equally unbearable.

Say "I love you" when your not listening.

Hi again. I am back. Thank you for waiting. No grandiose explanation needed. I did tons of writing in the past few months because I spent a ton of time of airplanes. For some reason, being along on an airplane in the dark while the world flies by under me always inspires me to feel incredibly lonely. A good case of the lonlies make me listen to my favorite "pull on the heart strings" tunes, and of course, make me miss all the things I cannot have.

I find myself sometimes simultaneously missing him and thinking that I actually never knew him. How do you miss what was most likely never yours to hold?

He will be replaced with far more deserving hearts. The good guys. The ones who makes love look easy- and make me feel all the things I should.

I keep waiting for the end of this story, the part where some big epic ballad is played and someone is standing outside my door with some complete purge of all the millions of feeling they have had for me and never said and some epic ending embrace. I grew up watching this in 90's romantic comedies, and I want this for myself.

I am afraid that my heart is one that cannot even be saved by the power of
a power ballad...and they are pretty powerful! Why is it both so impossible to accept the love from the people who are good for us, and accept that those without love for us are bad?

Why do I miss you the most when you love me the least?