Sunday, February 27, 2011

Nothing about life is forever. A bad haircut will grow out. That huge zit will go away. The fight with your friend will end. French class, pilates class or whatever else your are dreading will be over soon. The seconds that you cannot breath because he is standing beside you and he is oh so lovely, and you are sure that their isn't a more perfect male specimen on the planet will one day turn into light night pillow-fights and open mouth food chewing. The days that you think you can not go on, will go on. The emptiness will become full. The dark will lighten.

and on the days when you feel so very alone, and you are convinced that no one understands what you are going through.

trust me.
I was there on sept.23rd of 2005 and have been there many times since.
I understand.
and we are in this together.

Friday, February 25, 2011

please don't stand so close to me. I'm having trouble breathing.

call it anything but love
and I will...

make sure to keep my distance.
Say i love you
when you're not listening.

do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run. do not run.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"the world doesn't know what to do with visionaries like you, keltie."

just take a second and breathe.

you might not look the way you want.
you might not have all the things you want.
people might not believe in you the way you wish they would.
he might not love you the way you wish he would.

but you are alive.
you are here for a reason.
the streetlights are going to turn on tonight.
eventually you will fall asleep
(even if it is after hours and hours of tossing and turning)
and tomorrow is another day where peoples words could
break your heart or change your life.
and you just never know which one it is going to be.

believe in your path.
even when it gives you every reason not to.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

text message: a love story.

In my entire adult life I have dated 2.1 people who lived in the same city as me. I do not count "singer" because he lived in the East Village while I lived in Queens, and anyone who has taken a ride on the E train under the river in the middle of winter knows that Queens is a different city (or a different planet depending on the condition of your mind).

There was a skinny rocker in Philly. Another in Vegas, which I actually shared an address with once upon a time, although when dealing with the musician type, sharing an address means alot less time sharing a bed then one would think. I suppose that is why I found my self living at another address shortly after that...

I once flew a fella across the country to have a first date with me. (insert pathetic version of keltie here) We met once, and had enough mutual friends on facebook that in my darkest, loneliest moments somehow convinced myself based on his "likes" + charming self-taken bathroom photos in his profile that we were somehow meant to be closer, we weren't.

I dated a very tattoo covered fella name Cole for the blink of a second last year who lived in Venice, which doesn't count either since if I needed to mail him a letter (mostly an apology for falling so deeply in love with the idea of falling deeply in love and basing that decision solely on out joint love of Mexican food) I would have to POST that letter coming from HOLLYWOOD to VENICE. See? different city.

Swoon came to me from down the block, we actually live on the same street but in different areas of LA (it is a very Loooooong street). I made him meet on my end of the street the morning that I left our table at the 101 cafe to walk to the other end of the room to grab a LA weekly and then minutes later over a breakfast of burritos + french toast when he asked me to be his girlfriend, told him, even though I was completely aware of the horrendous feeling in the gut that this was the single worst mistake of my entire life, that I could not be that girl.

Perfect things scare imperfect people.
I tend to run from them.
I ran all the way back down our street.

What I have learned is that, although the time spend across countries, oceans and time zones seems to electrify zee romance in us. Late night texts and whispered good nights, a delicious relationship doesn't make. We tend to purge, obsess, fantasize about the outcomes of seeing these long lost loves again. While I have fallen asleep with phone in hand more times than I care to admit, the amount of clarity that I've learned from these promised and not followed through on words is pretty grand.

Love is someone putting on their combat boots along side you, grabbing your hand when you want to give up and trudging through the muck and mess that (I/we/you) consistently find yourself creating. Love is someone thinking you are gorgeous at every angle. Not just the zexy, perfectly chosen, perfectly lit, possibly retouched version of yourself that you would send another humans personal device.

Love isn't someone writing an epic sentence about loving you forever and hitting send.

Love is about loving you forever.
Right beside you.

Text Message: a love story from zeus mila on Vimeo.

ps. and for those of you concerned with the updated condition of my heart, I am currently doing my very best to convince swoon 1)I made the biggest mistake of my life that morning at the 101 2)that this time I will not run, even though at some point of each and everyday I want to.

pps. My amazingly talented friend Lindsay Rosenberg made this insane little movie. Tell your friends. I love it.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Your definition of crazy differs far too much from my definition. I guess that is what made watching you go crazy so hard for me. There is so much space between acting crazy and losing you mind.

come back.
I loved you then.
You and all your crazy.
I hate you now.
You and all your crazy.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

sometimes I could see him
(pretending the sparkle in the air)

sometimes I could feel him
(as he searched for the safest place to rest his feet)

and sometimes I cried for him
(and all the wonder he lost along the way)

-kylie johnson

Monday, February 14, 2011

If it's not like the movies...

I laid awake for hours last night.
I stared at the wall.
I was pretty sure that all my fears were going to eat me alive.
I could not breathe.
By morning I had devised a brilliant plan to run away from everything, go hide in some European country and drink tea all day, live alone, without any knowledge of the entire life and world I left behind.
I would base my success on if I brewed a good cup of tea.
I would base the strength of my heart on my ability to be strong enough say no to each Casanova that came into my sight.
I would do yoga everyday. Eat Vegetables. I would walk everywhere. I would listen to classical music only.
Because right now, I do none of those things. I base my success on everything I have yet to accomplish and instantly erase anything nice about myself. I hate my heart and the way it ticks. I never go to yoga. I eat peanut butter and cokes. I am not sure, on most days, if I even really like myself. I cannot fathom why YOU like me.

but, as promised to me by the universe, each dark night gives way to the sun shining through the window.
...and in the morning I woke up, and was face to face with a million reasons why I just cannot give up. The universe is like that isn't it? Just when you think you cannot go on, it gives you a reason to.

What haunts me at night blasts me with light during the day.

Promise me, that the next time you are lying awake at night thinking you want it all to end, that you will come here are read this. You never know what magic tomorrow might bring.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Let me learn to listen only to the beautiful things YOU say about me
and not to the horrible things I say about me.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

remember when someone suggested that I make a special "fearless army" shirt for you? Well, here is is. i hope you like it. We had our yearly S+B photoshoot today + the amazing Lindsay Rosenberg shot this (unretouched!)

sometimes there are gonna be days that test your will. I had one today.
days when it seems like everything is just SO much harder than it needs to be.
days when is seems like everyone else is skating on ice + you are trudging uphill (in both directions) through knee deep mud.

I wish I could tell you why we have to keep fighting the good fight.
I don't actually know.

I do know that if you let the world eat you alive. It will.
If you let the bad guys win. Then you lose.

Just remember, that nothing that is really yours can ever be taken from you.

keep fighting fearless army.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

You say, I only hear what I want to.

I wrote you a letter, but I decided to tear it up into little tiny bits and sprinkle it over my granola this morning. I ate up all those words that I will never say, because once I say them, this will all be real, and anything real is scary, because having someone could one day become losing someone, and I have lost enough to know that I am a very bad loser. If you want to read those words, you will have to pick apart my insides, and braver men than you have failed.

Welcome to: the weight of importance we now put on each other. We've both been burned enough to know that these precious things that we have discovered within each others minds are so very, very fragile. Be careful not to break me and I will not break you.

Sometimes I wonder how much a heart can hold, and if, loving too much might be the reason hearts get heavy.

Maybe having a heavy heart full of love is the gravity that makes the simplest things with you,


I would give you my whole heart, if I had a whole heart to give.

but I won't ever tell you.

Friday, February 4, 2011

She collects Tear drops.

Things I have learned:

-Totally okay to cry, on national tv, to your friends, by yourself when the USPS website makes it really hard to mail things. My very smart friend C. Perri said to me "don't have a breakDOWN have a breakTHROUGH" I have learned more from the tears then I ever did from the easy stuff.

-Someone else's version of "perfect" most likely looks nothing like your own version of perfect. That is what makes life interesting. Find the perfections in the imperfect nature of yourself, others + the universe. Life is more fun through a crooked lens.

-Totally okay to not kiss boys on first dates. The ones who will wait for you, are the ones you should wait for. You should be insanely proud of your own integrity + values, whatever they may be.

-Those YSL 4 inch heels were totally worth it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

this is where we both break free.

"Go after her. Fuck. Don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or a tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest, making someone falling in love with you is easy as flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded and that is all that is worth anything, really."