Monday, September 20, 2010

what it all comes down to...I haven't got it all figured out just yet.

Hi army,

Ahhhh. Where do i begin? First of all I want to thank you all for your love, support and words. This blog has become such a huge part of my life and soul.

I recently approved the FINAL version of my book "Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom" and I feel empty of words. Something that I started as a hobby turned out to be a ton of work, and that on top of all my other work...has left me in need of a really big nap.

When I was a little girl I really wanted to follow my dance dreams and I am thankful each day that I had the courage to do that. As each year passes I realize how much I want some new dreams. I've never really taken the time to live and love.

I am leaving tomorrow on an amazing adventure with my heart. I will not be blogging, or tweeting or anything until I get back in Late November. I am going, for the first time in my life, to go enjoy myself. Eat, Pray and Love. I am scared, and very unsure of what a Keltie who is not working will be like but I know this is a side of myself I am desperate to find. I am excited to go live without thinking...I should take a picture and share this, or this would make a good blog. I'm gonna go and just be. me.

I hope you all understand and I promise to be back, better than ever with fresh words very soon. In the meantime you can visit my facebook page here for updates on the book, the book tour and other things that my awesome team will be throwing together while I am far away.

Have an amazing fall. I will be thinking of you each and everyday.
Courage. Passion. Hard Work.

and mostly...LOVE.

and please take care of her.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

i wont be there when word gets round/i won't be there when ur luck runs out/cause ur someone else's baby/yeah ur someone else's crazy now.

-matt nathanson

Oh matt nathanson why are you so perfect? It's been a really weird month because I have been working so hard on my book and reading over + edits + thoughts + press and all things that story. That story feels like something I made up in my head and never actually lived through, because I feel like I am such a different person now.

I spent most of my life being a co-dependant. I've actually had therapists tell me I had a "condition". Since grade 9 I always had a boyfriend, most of them I didn't like, or even spend any time with, but I had none of the tools necessary to make myself happy. I only existed on the compliments and praise of whoever was my #1 at the moment. I was the Julia Roberts in runaway bride, I liked whatever you liked, because I wanted you to like me.

Most people think that my book is going to be one big tell all about some guy I dated once, and sadly, they will be disappointed (sorry trash sites and haters!) The story isn't about anyone else but me. I wrote the story so that you all could find those little pieces of yourselves that YOU see in me, in this story also. It is so common, pretty, talented, smart girls who don't even like themselves that much and cannot exist without focusing 95% of their day on whatever love interest in in their eyesight at the time. I lived that way for a very long time. I was only great, because they were great.

When it came to living alone for the first time in my life a few years ago, it wasn't just a case of "my heart is broken and I need to get over you". It was a case of, "I have no idea how to be alone, and I am not even sure that I like myself enough to want to be alone with myself." Sad words. Big lesson.

Look, we all have flaws. I can point this finger and say, this person did THIS to me or that person did that to me. But the bottom line is that, I was never ready to be in any kind of relationship any of those times. That wasn't really love, it was obsession. For me I had a giant check-list of things that I wanted from life. Live in NYC. Check. Dance with the Rockettes. Check. Be in a music video. Check. Fall in love. ummmm?

Love isn't something that you can "work" your way into, or something that you can magically check off your to do list, or get in the dollar bins at target. I wanted to be in love, I thought I had found the guy (more than once) and so I did everything in my power to make that love work, and never once stopped to think- Am I happy? DO I want this? Is this the kind of life I want?

Matt writes "ur someone else's crazy now". I love that line because it is so true. I used to think that crazy was artistic, and that artistic was exciting and exciting was cool and that cool was what I wanted and that all of it was love. I was a fool.

When someone loves you, you will know.
But no one is gonna love you, if you don't love yourself.

Take the time to have a relationship with your soul. Be alone. Strengthen your morals and honor. Find out what you really like. Love yourself. Love will find you.

Friday, September 17, 2010

follow friday!

Here it is the cover for my book. I am thrilled to show it to you. I also started a FB group for the book + will giving away copies and having contests and all sorts of fun things so please join here! Pre-order starts Oct. 22!!

Caught between backstage and center stage, Keltie Colleen opens a window into her intriguing life of dance and rock n' roll. In between gigs, Keltie optimistically untangles complicated rockstar romances, while clinging to her own identity. Simultaneously tragic and hopeful, Keltie's story is an honest, powerful and ultimately uplifting guide to following your dreams and losing your heart.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Today I got offered a really cool dancer job, a dance job in a new movie. My first reaction was "Well, thank goodness I proved that I am not a total failure."

I said that because that is how I feel most of the time. We dancers are only as good as "what is next" No one really cares about last year or last month and the few days we get to spend on set are magical but fleeting.

My my said to that she thought it was so sad that as humans we tend to only focus and remember the really awful things about ourselves. That we tend to hold on to those failures and seemingly brush away all the good stuff with ease.

So true isn't it. The 7 jobs I auditioned for last month that I didn't get haunt me daily with thoughts of, why am I still dancing? am I as horrible as everyone says I am? It is sad that booking a job makes me think for just an instant-

Okay, good, now you have validated your choice of life for one more week and proved to everyone that you are not a total failure.

Silly really, when it is obvious I am not a failure, none of us are. Also silly that you all say such wonderful, sweet things to me and I forget those the instant someone says something negative. Well, maybe I do look old.

The bottom line is we should be the opposite. The good things should stick to us and the bad things should easily melt away. I wish that was the way the human heart worked and from now on I am going to really try to be that girl. Life is way to short to only believe the bad.

Like CP said to me once " You hair is bigger than you think, and you are smaller than you think"

and besides if the dance world, the dating world and the book world all think I suck, I am pretty sure that one little lady thinks I rock....

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Here is what I want to tell you all. One day you might be 28 years old and watching all your friends have babies and husbands and you will really regret not taking that trip, buying those really soft sheets and calling that friend. You will hate yourself for the years you got up in the morning and got dressed for him, so that he might noticed you and might stare in your direction, all the time you spent lying on the floor putting your heart back together and trying to fix him so that he would want to come back to fix you. All the conversations you started with the reasons he was so great instead of the reasons you were.

Sometimes the "he" in our life seems so important instead of the "ME".

and it's not that easy...but nothing ever is...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

what is your favorite part?

Monday, September 13, 2010


remember when I used to post youtube videos of my friend who I thought was great, and then just an handful of us used to know about her...

This is proof little army that dreams come true. Never give up. This could be you.

Please head over to and log in to view the video for "jar of hearts". I am beyond proud to have danced + been assist choreographer on this project.

thanks to lani lee for the awesome photos!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I think the most important lesson I have ever learned in my life is how to be alone. We, as humans and mostly as girls, are all pretty bad at being alone. I think it is our generation of people, we live in an instant gratification kind of world where nothing we do is really done until we post it on our facebooks or twitter.

A long time ago, we all used to do the things we loved, hung out with the people we loved and talked to the people we loved because that is what we wanted to do. We never worried about what the world might see, or comment on, we just were. We didn't fish around for praise and we were not invited into the inner most thoughts of total strangers.

In the past few weeks I have been hiding. From you, from the world and from all mentioned above. I have simply been keeping my inner most thoughts and events into my innermost circle. It is amazing how different life feels.

Last night I was sitting at the 101 after the perez vma party. I was thinking. Cool, just attended the coolest VMA party of the year, met perez, danced away the night where all the "cool" people were. In a year I won't remember that party because to me, it was pretty meaningless. I never wanted to be a part of that world. What I will remember is sitting with my best friend in sparkly dresses where we always sit drinking milkshakes and feeling my youth literally buzzing around between the hipsters and the fries. I will remember laughing, drawing and feeling happy to be alive. Not because of some cool party, but because I am young and hungry and confused,inspired and have the laugh at the way the world works! I can honestly say that I spend the majority of the last decade defending myself or trying to somehow validate myself as a human. What a waste of time. If only I had spent less time "trying" and more time "living".

I hope that everyone can remember that this is a really amazing lesson. How to be content. How to be alone. How to know that what you are doing with your life, and your friends and your time is important and precious. Maybe it isn't on tv, or in the news or tabloids but to love yourself and find your own worth in the things that you enjoy...I have a feeling that this might lead to true happiness.

Sometimes in my darkest moments I forget just how lucky I am. There are stars in the sky, friends at the ends of my hugs and hope in my heart.
I am learning to accept that those things are enough, and that I am enough.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Am I ever going to really love someone? I see all these amazing people buzzing around the world who are willing to love me completely and that love won't even penetrate my skin. If I was willing to give it all up to someone who treated me on the cusp of what would be considered right? then how come I can't seem to welcome anyone into my world who is willing to treat me perfectly. Am I immune to love? Do I have a cold black heart that actually despite my best attempts at falling actually has no love inside it?

I don't hate you for what you did to me. I do really hate the condition of my heart. You stole something from me that I cannot seem to buy back. I usually tuck that part of me in my back pocket and forget that it is there.

But sometimes, in my darkest times, I feel like I will never care about anything ever again the way I cared about you. That nothing will ever matter the way that time and place mattered. That nothing I do will be as good, as the good I was then.

Those were my best, brightest moments.
I am sad, that they are gone.
I am trying my best to shine, but I am falling far behind.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

sometimes we get so far away from what we really are. It is so good to just come down to earth and realise that we...are the lucky ones.

The whole world has been crashing at my feet lately. I know the reason that this crash feel so paralysing and overwhelming is because I get to live my life soaring so high up that when I crash, I have a very long, scary way to fall down.

every night I go to bed feeling completely and utterly hopeless.

every morning, even though I do not want to, I wake up and keep pushing through, because when you are down, down so low, the only way to really go is up.

and in the end, there are a hundred people who have it worse than you, there are a hundred who have it better.

You cannot want it all, AND have it all. Even though it sounds really nice in theory.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

There are two things I hate about getting older

1) that my hips hurt constantly and grand plies are pretty much torture.

2) that the older I get the more I become the collection of all my memories, I feel like many years ago I was so free spirited and hungry for life. Every year I can feel my skin getting a little thicker and my caution flag waving a little higher. Maybe all these relationships I was in are over but I still carry pieces of them, and those guys everywhere I go. You cannot love someone deeply without them affecting the way you look at love for the rest of your life. So, yes it might be over- but it is never really over. You just learn to live in spite of those memories. When you meet someone new it becomes you and all your layers of love-lost and them and their matching set. I think if we were ever able to really start fresh it would be much easier to dive into a relationship with someone if when you looked into their eyes you didn't see the eyes of everyone else you have ever given your heart to.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

How Taylor Swift's Fans Saved Her 2009 VMA Performance

How Taylor Swift's Fans Saved Her 2009 VMA Performance: "After the Kanye West incident, Swift's fans boosted her confidence by chanting her name in support."

Sometimes I feel really awful about myself. Do you? Sometimes I wonder what my giant purpose is in life...I am learning to love myself and my own uncertainties. When life hands me lemons I seem to thing that the entire world is ending and that nothing I have ever done was even remotely important/cool/worth it. Then things like this night happen. Honestly, both of my amazing times dancing on the VMA stage were epic. Such a dream come true and if I never do it again, then I know that these moments are ones I can always hold onto with all my heart.

Full out!


Saturday, September 4, 2010

everyone makes mistakes, the important thing is that when you make one, to pause, sit back, reflect on what you did wrong and then do everything in your power to make it right.

No one can tell you how to feel except your own gut. Trust it. The only person who knows what is best for you is most likely you, so don't listen to what anyone else says. Your decisions might not be popular, but they are yours to make whether they are the right ones or the wrong ones.

Life isn't about trying to be perfect, life is about trying to be the best imperfect person you can be.

People change, things change and situations change, but what should always remain is each one of us constantly wanting to be a better person. Waking up each day with an undeniable zest for life and love.

go forth and love!
go forth and live!

photo: reid rolls

Thursday, September 2, 2010

"Hearing his name hundreds of times reminded me that Rocker was nowhere to be found. He didn’t answer the phone. We hadn’t spoken. I wrote in my journal for hours. I tried to map out exactly when things went wrong. What did I do wrong? Falling in love is easy, but falling out is the hardest thing. It’s so easy to say “I fell in love the instant you said my name,” but how do you pinpoint the exact time when things went wrong? Was it the shirt I wore? Was it something I said? Did I have bad breath? Did I call too many times? My list of things wrong with me grew exponentially. I never paused to think it might be something to do with him. Love, whether it lasts one day or 10 years, is never easy to lose. Once love lets its feelings loose in your bloodstream, there’s no turning back. You breathe different. You talk different. You are different." -Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom