Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'd rather be crazy than right, tonight.

"Even though I know it's just your personality to be outgoing and charming, I could see it in everyone of their eye's and they were getting sucked into you."-yup- someone actually said that to me.

I realize I have made a grave mistake. I have been focusing on developing new friendships and relationships with people who simply do not get me. I got a delicious reminder of this this morning at rehearsal when tending to the 4 inch massive blister on my heel (I HATE TAPPING in HEEL TAPS! UGH) one of the PA's delivered some surprise mail that had been sent to me. It was a package from one of my dear friends from Santa Fe. Many moons ago we met at some party for Habitat for Humanity in NYC when I was dressed up dancing like a disco Oliva Newton John (it was in my poor, I will do anything to pay rent dancer days). He is a wonderful, saving the earth, creative, amazing friend. He also happens to make jewelery in his spare time. I joking asked a while back for a nameplate that said Hustler. Well, guess what I received today! I love it. So me.

The card inside said this.

hey kelts! (see my true peeps always call me kelts)
I know its a lonely road you're on sometimes but remember that there are ton's of people out there who love you dearly and like me, admire you greatly for your tenacity and being so damn fierce! Love you!

It is human nature to focus on the bad instead of the good. This year I had some people say some things that deeply hurt me about how "I am a dangerous person because I can make anyone fall in love with me, and then I ruin their careers." that, coming from a group of people that I considered friends is an awful thing to hear. Mostly because I think it is sad that anyone in the world would wish for people to be alone simply because their sadness can make other people more money. If the greatest band of all time thinks all you need is love, then who are we to act as if love should be last on the list? I guess this goes along with the "sucking people into me" flaw. I am not sure when it became a flaw to be kind to other people, to laugh as loud as you can at funny things, to be excited about life and to love with all your heart. As charming as they come across-To me these are simply necessities of life!

Maybe I can be charming, I have, after all spent most of my adult life showing up at auditions unknown and trying to get directors and choreographers to notice me, be drawn to me and be interested in me. It is WHAT I do for a living, one would assume that some of that ability would trickle down into my regular life.

The lesson I think we can all learn from this is that you just have to be you. Not everyone is going to get it. Not everyone is going to be able to handle it. But you are who you are for a reason. Someone will appreciate and respect that. Sometimes someone who is confident in what they want and what they need overwhelms others. So many people tip toe through life and love with their suits of amour around there hearts and the "steps" in which things are supposed to happen ingrained in their minds. I do not have those things. I jump in, to everything, be it a night at the movies, a sing-a-long rendition of happy birthday, a box of cookies, or a crush all with the same hopelessly romantic fearlessly optimistic reckless abandon. It is who I am and I refuse to apologize for this. Maybe I try too hard, laugh too hard, cry too hard and love too hard. But no one will ever say I didn't try. takes a second but it is well worth it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

You sat on my shoulder today.

Moments of true greatness for me are quite fleeting. In the 6 hours I rehearsed today I can bet that there were only a handful of moments where I was doing everything correctly at the right time. Today we worked on the finale of the show + it is my favorite number. It is called Shine + we have the most beautiful costumes + these super snazzy headpieces that make me feel like a mix between a prom Queen + the ice queen. Have you ever wished that you could freeze frame a certain moment and keep it for later? I would put all my stunning moments in the drawer next to my socks and when I was feeling bad about myself I would pull them out and pull on a fresh perfect version of myself.

Rehearsal days are very long + my goals during this process include trying to keep a smile on my face at all times, not biting my nails (unsuccessful), and staying focused so that I can try to increase my ratio of mistakes to perfections. I try to pull inspiration from all over and one of my favorite + most destructive pastimes is to pretend that I can hand pick my audience. I have been doing this since I was a little girl. In the basement of my house dancing around to Paula Abdul it was Jason Wilment the cutest boy in third grade. Later in high school musical theatre classes it was Justin Mills, the captain of the Hockey team. I do this even now. I imagine myself in my stunning costume with my perfect red lipstick. I think about what it would feel like for him to see me perform in a huge arena. I can't help but wonder if somehow you can make someone fall in love with you if you have enough talent or enough rhinestones? I have this feeling in the back of my mind that says to my heart, that if I could just get him in the fifth row that he wouldn't see me as that awkward, unsure, fanatical, obsessive, compulsive, narcissistic, monstrosity of a girl but instead would see me at this pinnacle of glamour and grace. The woman of his dreams.

I realized today on my way home as I was laughing at myself for doing this all day that this practice is a wasted effort. He isn't going to see me. Other dream creations of my mind have and it didn't change anything, but alas! it did change something. It changed me.

I have spent my whole life trying to reach goals and make things happen so that I could turn myself into someones dream girl. I haven't become that yet, but I am not sad. In the midst of trying to create all this for some mythical "You". I created it all for me.

I am the woman of my dreams.

Maybe it doesn't matter how we get there. Maybe not all our motivations are honest and mature but they still exist. I am so thankful for all the "yous" that have sat on my shoulders during my life. They won't ever know that they helped me so much, they have moved on and found dream girls of their own. And, I guess so did I- just in a different, more "Keltie" kind of way.

Friday, September 25, 2009

fear and love = peanut butter and jelly.

My girlfriend Fire (nickname you know how I roll) recommended that I read this book called "Unfinished Business". It is her birthday today and he amazing husband Carlos got her the new kindle. If there is one thing I am lusting over it is the Kindle. There is a piece of me that is sort of obsessed with hoarding books too. I am torn. Thoughts?

Anyways, the book is amazing. This passage stood out to me last night as I was reading and I wanted to share it with you all...

"We come together to learn various levels and aspects of love, for love is never static, but always evolving. Love is simultaneously random and ordered, so intangible and yet a part of everything, and when we attempt to limit it or categorize it, we get into trouble.The opposite of love is fear. If there were no love, there would only be fear. Whenever there is an absence of love, it feels unnatural to us. Unfortunately there is more fear in the world than love. Too many people are at war with one another on so many levels, and the effect is totally jarring. " - Unfinished Business by James van Praagh

I thought about this when I walked into rehearsal this morning. Rockette rehearsals are THE most intense thing I have ever been a part of. We work very hard. It is very easy to become overwhelmed very quickly. When all this choreography is being thrown at you and your mind is full and it all feels like a giant mess inside your brain it is so easy to just give up and let that frustration dictate the rest of your day. I try to walk into each day fearlessly. I make it a point to smile, even when I want to cry. Even in a case like this when perfection is expected on a daily basis, we have to give ourselves some slack. We have to just do the very best we can at all times and we cannot fear making those huge mistakes. It gonna happen on the dance floor, and in your life. I like to live FULLOUT and FEARLESS. When I make a mistake, everyone knows it. We have this saying in Rockettes called "strong and wrong". This is when someone makes a mistake but they were giving it, 100%! I do the same thing in my after dance life. I love hard. When I choose to feel a certain way I do it with all my being. So justly, when I make a mistake. I make a big one that is clearly noticeable.

I feel like each big mistake is our chance to start over. I have learned far more from my mistakes than I ever have from the stuff that just made sense right away. We have to learn to make a mistake and move on, learn from it, try our best to correct it, and love ourselves throughout it all. Each day is a new day for it to be day one. We cannot allow ourselves to fear the fallout of our mistakes. We have to replace that fear with love and accept that mistakes happen. I mess up all the time. You are gonna mess up all the time too. But I love myself and I love you too.

And I love this...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Things one must have at rehearsal:
-early morning mug of tea.
-Team keltie Tshirt
-8 pairs of shoes.
-sweats + tights + legwarmers oh my.
-a big happy smile.

It was amazing first day of Rockettes rehearsal! Felt strange to be back in tights and laducas and my mind is spinning from absorbing the lines, depths and numbers all over again. I was placed on the stage right end position this year which is an honor! This stage right end girl leads the lines at all times. It is all on my shoulders to make sure I am perfect at every single moment. I accept this challenge!

On the way to work this morning we witnessed a TERRIBLE car crash, a semitruck skidded of the road and made a sandwich with itself and the divider, with a poor car in the middle. I cannot imagine that anyone survived. It really made me feel lucky to be alive, and reminded me that it could have been me, at any moment.

I was so happy today. Of course, it has to do with this being my favorite job in the world but there is something more. I have made this concious choice to be happy. Today in rehearsal I thought about how amazing it is that I get to do this for my job. Even is rehearsal I was beaming. Someone once said, "love what you do- you will never work a day in your life". I agree. Instead of living my day to FINISH rehearsal and get home, I was simply living INSIDE rehearsal, enjoying each step of the way. I think we can all stand to try to learn to do this. How many times are you just waiting for the weekend? I am determined to see the positive and best parts of the whole day. Focus on the people and things that make me smile.

Life comes to us in cycles. Mine is on the upswing.

I was just telling someone tonight that we just never get to know what the universe has planned for us. We can pine away and wish for things to be different than they are. I pushed + pushed + pushed, and cried my heart out to every single person who would listen. Then decided to focus on me, and making my life better. Alot of really great things happened. Then my heart hurt less + less until I realized I was over it + didn't care anymore. Does anyone else feel like it seems like as soon as this happens the universe sends a sign to the other side + when they realize we don't live under their fingernails anymore, well, everyone wants what they can't have. Why do people do this? I am glad that NYC is my city and I that there are bits of me all over it- I would never wish pain on anyone- but it warms my heart to know that I am not as easily erased as I assumed. It also warms my heart that my heart doesn't really care. I care far more about my going to bed with my amazing book, sending one of my besties flowers for her bday and keeping my body healthy for tommorrow. It amazes me that things that seemed so important just fade into the history books and become just another story that gets told. This sad story gets filed along side the other sad stories I have. I don't fall in love easily. I think that it is a super precious chance of a lifetime deal. I also don't fall out of love easily. It was hard but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Everyone can muster the words I love you. There are a few people in the word who actually know what it means to love someone, or even something. I consider myself one of those people. My love is true, but right now I am keeping it all for myself.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Under the Sea-where I am ment to be.

Arrived in my new home in Myrtle Turtle Beach for rehearsals. Hugged my ShuShu. Took a beautiful walk to visit the ocean.

Today I listened to my best friend (since first grade!) kates little sweet heart breaking. There is just nothing you can say or do with a broken heart. You just have to live it. There is nothing worse. When you get your heart broken you have two choices, you can live inside that sadness forever or you can rise above it. The world we live in is a very complicated place and each day life threatens to dull the brilliant light inside us. Take a look around an appreciate that the universe is unfolding in front of you exactly as it should. It might not make sense right now, but trust me. Sit back for a year and you will feel differently. I do. I am exactly where I want to be right now. One day you will be too. We must not ever give up on love, life and most importantly, ourselves. Someone out there will see perfection in your face and won't be able to live without you. That cannot be forced or manufactured. It just is.

Until then...look at this world. Amazing isn't it?

Monday, September 14, 2009


Before: (kick ass eye makeup!)

What I think is sad that instead of the world talking about the epicness that was the MJ tribute they are talking about the asshole. (I won't say it). I think that this is exactly what is so wrong with the world. What happened to manners? Dear, you are not better than the world. Why is that people who are terrible get all the attention? Why do celebrities think they are above the rules of the world? The rules are easy. Be kind. Wait your turn. Say please and thank you. sheesh.

I am so proud of Taylor- who was in tears moments before her kick ass performance. The energy was so amazing and everyone on the street, including me, that heard what happened started yelling Taylor! Taylor! Taylor! It doesn't even bother me that you could only see me for 2 seconds on tv because it was one of the most meaningful, exciting performances of my life. Having 6th ave closed off, with the band on the marquee, a million fans on every corner of the street and the sounds of NYC in the background was amazing. No words.

Our crew:

Some of the things I saw at the VMAS that blew my mind:

- MJ tribute. In addition to how amazing this was overall I have to say seeing Janet was a highlight. JANET JACKSON. The dancers she had behind her were only slightly less epic. They included some of the biggest names in my industry. Brian Freedman, Laurie Ann Gibson, Tyce, Dave Scott, Cris Judd...I mean...I can't. It was just too amazing.

- Pink, upside down in a pastie, singing LIVE. I can't it was too amazing. I love that she is so unapologetic about her talent. I watched her earlier in the day in reheasal and she just has a stage presence that cannot be touched. Epic.

- Lady GaGa was a little of a disappointment to me. Her dancers were kickass but I was not a fan of the choreography. To me it was just a little too try hard. Since I am the queen of try hards I think I can say that. She didn't need to "try" so hard to be different. She just is. I felt like it was as if they took everything MIA did in the last few seasons of SYTYCD and put it together. I did dig the blood though. Rad.

-Beyonce is amazing. I knew almost every dancer up there with her and it was so fun to see my friends killing it. Her right hand woman Ashley Everett was up there and looking perfect. I watched this in rehearsal and it just reminded me of why B is the queen. She's just perfectly put together at all times, and shares a love with me of shimmer tights.

-Taylor, of course did an amazing job. I have worked with many celebs and she is BY FAR the nicest most grateful person I have ever met. She was just so kind. Down to earth and sweet. All the people working for her and surrounding her were also kind and wonderful. It's sad that we can see the tears in her eyes during her very first VMA performance. I am sad that it got ruined for her. I am also so proud that she didn't cancel. She just overcame the haters, stood up tall and rocked it. I do not think we as young women can look for a better role model than that. She is wise beyond her years.

After ?:

I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support. I got so many messages of love and luck I was really overwhelmed. I have exactly 6 days off until I start Rockettes I am looking forward to some reading, relaxing and NOT WORKING. The last time I took more than 24 hours off was sometime in January. Way too long. I am committed to not working, on anything, no shirts, no blogs, no dancing, no anything. JUST KELTIE TIME. I need to rest. I am fighting off the kind of exhaustion that just sits right behind your head that you ignore everyday. I love you. See you soon.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Move on or move back.

Last night after a delicious dinner with some of my favorite Rockettes. During this conversation I made ears burn talking about how excited I was about the "new-not so new" and wonderful turn my heart has taken. I wish I could go into more detail but this comes on the end of a conversation about how I tend to give so much of myself to the world and that this thing is very special and this person wants something that is just between two people. Something that you can only find and feel in your heart, and not on the Internet. I love this idea and I am respecting these wishes. Someone somewhere is going to say. 'Move on'. I have been moved. Enough said.

I took myself on a date last night to see "the September issue". It was so good. I died over some of the clothes and the beautiful models. So stunning. I think it was really interesting the inlaying story about peoples perceptions of us. It seems ironic to me that Anna is labelled a bitch because she is a perfectionist and knows what she wants. To me that is just a strong powerful woman. The moments of solidarity make you almost feel sorry for her. The top can be a very lonely place. Maybe Anna takes herself to the movies too.

The movie showed alot of Paris. Paris is one of my weaknesses. It is most likely the hopeless romantic in me but the site of the Eiffel tower just takes my breath away. I was walking home and actually got a little choked up. It is a strange part of healing how you can not think of something for weeks and then a memory will come over you so strongly that you can almost smell it in the air. These memory overloads can come from anywhere. The sight of a toy from my childhood. The sound of a song I used to listen to in my first car. The smell of my dads cologne. We have all experienced this. It is nice to acknowledge the past. Last night I stopped on the street somewhere between 19th and first and stood in the rain and wrote this. It was exactly what I was thinking. Honestly. I actually almost picked up the phone to say "remember when?" I stopped myself. Sometimes you can feel something, and I think the purpose is just part of being alive, feeling and moving on. Life gives you a test and you have to make a choice. Move on or move back. I made the choice to smile at the thought of something wonderful. Smile and remember the reasons why I am glad that it ALL happened. Remember that I cannot have it all at the same time and somehow revel in my loneliness, give myself a nice big hug and smile. I was walking though the streets of NYC, my dream city, and I was free to do and feel whatever it was I wanted...

"I guess the choice we have is whether you want to move on, or if you want to live in the past. I cannot help the memories from coming into my mind but I get to choose how I acknowledge them. Move on or Move back. It doesn't matter what I say now. It doesn't matter that your memory ha come upon my senses so strongly like the smell of my moms fresh cut lilacs sitting on the kitchen table in the summertime. It doesn't matter that I can smell you right here on this street. I find it amazing that I can clear my mind of every awful thing that happened and remember what it was like to be in Paris, with the blue of the light reflecting in our eyes. Two transient lovers making homes in hotel rooms and in what we thought eachother was like. I am assaulted with loss. I can't remember what a terrible lover you were because I can only remember how alive I felt when I was trying to make the movies real for you. I can't help but wonder if there are other girls walking along the streets in NYC or far,far away in Paris who feel like me right now, questioning the reason why someone always has to lose. A heart can break, and then it can heal, I can move on, find new people to love but the years I lived with you are stolen because I lived them for you. I saw and experienced so many amazing things. I want to forget you. I try to take you out of each of the memories and somehow they don't seem as special. I don't even miss you. I just miss the way I felt about life when you said you believed in me. There were so many moments that took my breath away. You stole my heart away. And tonight, the sight of Paris, even in the movies took my strength away."

It's ok to feel sad. It is okay to always care about people you promise to care about. It is okay to mad, sad, angry or hurt. However, you have to feel it and then choose not to feel it anymore. Shortly after I stood there in the rain writing this down. I called up some friends, met for drinks and stayed out way too late for my own good. Move on or move back. I move on.

Friday, September 11, 2009


It is a very sad day in NYC. Another year passes where we get to talk about our near misses on 9/11. It seems like it was yesterday. I think it is fitting that New York is in a state of downpour. The universe is crying. It should be. Have we made any great strides in the past 8 years? Have we started saying out thank you's and please's? Have we been better about telling the people we love that we love them? Have we become more kind? Compassionate? Accepting? Remember when we all made promises to do that? Maybe it is time for you and I to revisit that thought.

This week I got my old hard-drive back. Wow. There are some classics in my video collection. I have loved looking at these memories because it shows me where I was, and where I came from. Scott and I never won first place at any competition. I really loved my red uni. I really loved Scott as a partner. I didn't care about anything else. People often ask me if it is too late to start dancing, or start anything. The answer is NO! I am in grade 11 in this video, just a year off booking my first job. I can barely do the splits + my jumps stink. We are all working on being better, all of the time. I remember thinking I was so grown up this year. I had my first car. My first boyfriend. Had a job. Truth is, I knew nothing. I had no idea what real pain felt like. I hadn't gotten to the point in life where I had to make my social life plans based on how many hours I could stand on my messed up feet before they started hurting. I hadn't been in love. I hadn't been rejected by a million different casting agents. I hadn't been beat up on the subway. I hadn't been so poor I had to ask my brother for money behind my parents back because I had to ask them too. I hadn't danced at Madison Square Garden. I hadn't learned how to hail a cab.

It isn't so much that we should always be wishing for the moment in which we are "grown up" and know how the world works. I think it is more that we should be open minded enough to realize that we are never going to get to a place where we get to know all the answers. I think one of the problems in our society is that we are so stuck in our own beliefs that we are never really listening to others, or the lifeforces that come along. Our love is ment to look like a Disney Movie. Our hair is ment to look like the cover of a magazine. Our life is ment to be school, to work, to marriage, to house, to dog, to baby, to vacation, another baby... I can say as a "grown up" that we never really grow up. We just put our 14 year old selves into tougher situations. The same things still exist. Stupid jealousy. Really pretty girls who get all the boys. Failing at things. Your parents knowing what is best for you. Having nothing to wear and thinking that if you just HAD something to wear that everything will make sense. Trust me. The perfect pair of jeans will only stay perfect until the next pair comes along. I guess it is my goal that even though I plan on never ever growing up, I hope that I can grow enough to make better choices for myself. Grown up choices for a grown down girl. SWITCH!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Buildings + Bridges

We are made to bleed
And scab and heal and bleed again
And turn every scar into a joke
We are made to fight
And fuck and talk and fight again
And sit around and laugh until we choke
Sit around and laugh until we choke

I don't know who you were expecting
Probably some bitch who does not budge
With eyes the size of snow
I may get pissed off sometimes
But you seem like the type to hold a grudge
And in the end, I just let go...-ANI

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

hearts + rationality are like oil + water

The day I decided to give up was the best day ever. It made room for happiness, growth and new wonderful people full of fresh starts and trust, friendship and respect. You know at the end of (500) days of summer when Summer says she can marry that guy because she is sure of everything that she was not sure of when she was with Tom. I am in that place. It's great. You can hold on and hold on and hold on but I assure you. Silence is golden. The answer you need is always in the silence you receive. Here I am right this second. I can smell NYC coming through the window. I am here because I am working on a great project. This is my fourth year at the VMAS and is going to be a career defining moment of epicness for me. I have to admit my heart hurt a little walking into the hall last night. Love is weird like that, over time all the bad horrible things fall away and it leaves us with only sweet memories. My heart hurt a little last night but life goes on and I want more. More for myself and I think that things like that will always hurt. But only a little.

Nicole said to me, "of course it did, but only a little. Only. Little. Progress."

A little tiny moment of, "remember when?", isn't so bad. It isn't the end of the world. This year I get to be there on my own name and on my own talent. Even better. Funny that the lady I am dancing beside is in the exact same boat. Seems like it happens to be strong, fearless, single female year at the VMAS. I am glad how it all came together.

Some things will always hurt. But the more I think about it rationally, the more I realize how much better off I am. My heart has not learned to think rationally 100% of the time yet, but it sure is trying.

I don't know if it is just me but my head and heart generally tell me the exact opposite. The challenge is getting your head and heart to work in harmony.

Last night my ever amazing friend Stacey created this on SYTYCD. Sorry but I tend to think that the Canadian version is WAY better than the US version this season. Except for Kat. (girl crush!). I love the push and pull of her choreography and I love how raw the movement is. I don't think these two really WENT THERE. But it was amazing regardless. Hit home. As Always. Maybe because we are from the same home. :)

Monday, September 7, 2009

fun is the new black.

Had a convo with my best about what we will miss when we both are not living in NYC anymore. Decided it would be days like this. Days where we roll out of bed, call up some random friends and share breakfast at noon in some random diner, walk through the streets, and end up eating chinese food out of little white containers on the floor in Queens talking about the passing of time. I have made it my goal to live each and everyday FULLOUT. I refuse to muddle through anymore. This includes riding and all bouncey slides that appear on the street in front of me in Queens.

I had to share this video because I needed to prove to Mr. Tomsic that I did in fact purchase one finger puppet to gift to him, but because of my crazy slide riding force my favorite red Jessica Galindo beauty cuff broke off and when the little tike behind me found it on the slide, I was forced to make a trade. Sorry Jeff. But here is the video to prove it. It also proves that I have a fivehead. I am not sad about the fivehead, I am a little sad about the loss of the finger puppet.

I was...

I was so busy defending myself.

I forgot to enjoy myself.

PS. I got live out a livelong dream last night when I attended Miss. Loftiss Bday bash dressed as Janey Glenn from the BEST dance movie of all time "girls just wanna have fun". Here on the R train I demonstrated some of this happiness I felt. I did a pretty good job with my costume I think!

"and I love to dance"

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I never believed you. I only wanted to.

Calen never ceases to amaze me. We were taught by the same teacher growing up and somewhere along the way he became one of the most inspiring people alive + I became the girl who cannot seem to keep her head straight. When he speaks in class I cry. He is such a true artist. When I walk through the door of his class, it is like being reborn as a girl who knows nothing about herself.

Tonight as class began Calen had us lay down on the floor and close our eyes. He had us assess our bodies, our minds + our hearts.

"think about your body, think about how if feels right now and what it needs"

My right foot still hurts, as per usual, my right hip needs to be cracked, my left knee is aching, my neck is so sore from sleeping on planes, my calves are tight, I hope I don't make a fool of myself in this class, everyone keeps getting younger at Broadway dance center and I keep getting older...What happened to my old class crew...are any of them even dancing anymore...focus keltie...

"think about your mind, and what you will ask of it in class tonight, get yourself prepared"

dear mind, please focus. Don't think about what you have to do tommorrow. Stop thinking about what other people are thinking. Try to remember to breathe. I wonder what the peepshow cast is doing right now. Do you think when I look up every one of my ex-boyfriends will be standing in the window watching me grand pile and realize that they made huge mistakes like in the dance movies? they could run in and we could do a bluebird lift + the happy song will play + suddenly a choreographed dancebreak will start and my makeup will be perfect and my hair will fall out of this half bun and into a long lucious mane of beautiful soft waves. Keltie focus, FOCUS, please mind, help me not get annoyed at my severe lack of grace and balance. Chris and Calen are so cute, I wonder when their wedding will be..FOCUS KELTIE!

"think about your heart, think about where it is this very minute. Not where it was when you woke up, not where you wish it was, where is actually is, don't lie. Art is honest and so is your heart, get your heart ready for class"

Dear heart. I am so glad you made it back in one piece to New York, see? I told you we would feel better here. I am not lonely. I think we may have cleaned up that messy co-dependant/cannot ever be alone problem we had. I really love being alone with you. I don't even have time to do all the things I want to do plus open you up again. We are supposed to go on a date tonight after class...should we make up and excuse and go home instead? I wonder what Hobo is doing right now. Focus KELTIE! Heart, you feel strong. Forgiveness feels so wonderful. I am so glad we found it inside us to forgiveall of them + ourselves for being young, trying so hard and failing. It is okay to fail just like it is okay to fall out of turns. What matters is if we let it ruin the rest of our performance, or the rest of our lives. We won't right? Onwards, upwards!

Before we went across the floor Calen spoke about hard work. He said that in dance we always seem to not want to do the things that take alot of work. We tend to love to just turn on the right and jump on our good legs. He then taught us a really challenging series of steps with alot of legs, balance and a double ballet turn from fifth on releve (no prep). He said that no one would do this perfectly tonight. That we all have something to work on. That everything is work. That if you do not like to work that your life will be very dissapointing because it is the only way to acheieve greatness...that we should always be working and the truely happy people will find a way to enjoy this work. This spoke directly to me is so many ways, of course. Insert the hard across the floor combo with life. If you want to be okay, in your heart, soul and mind. It takes work. It would be so easy to take the easy way and only do things that felt safe. I hated being alone, I could have just replaced my empty heart with someone new so I didn't have to feel that way. I hated Vegas. I could have just quit my job and come back to NYC 5 months ago. I didn't because, to me this was the best kind of soul work I could have done. I needed to do it. It was HARD HARD HARD work and sometimes impossibly heartbreaking work but I don't only want to turn on my right leg. I want to be strong, even during the hardest most uncomfortable moments, of class and of life.

Calen. I love you so much. I am so proud of you and the inspiration and master you have become. I am in awe of you and your special talent. Thank you for making me stronger that you will even realize. Love Nana.

Friday, September 4, 2009

my # 1 jeff

So today I got to see the "teaser" for a tv show I am working on. Someone was quoted as saying "when you meet Keltie you either love her right away, or hate her...and I love her." This made me so sad. I asked Spagatti about it and his answer was "yea, but how many people that really know you hate you?" My answer is zero. I was talking about why people might see me this way, it UPSETS me! He said I was abrasive, hard working, successful and beautiful. (awww thanks) but that this seems to piss off alot of people. Strange. It is weird to see yourself, playing a tv version of yourself. It is the same, but you don't to explain things like...I know, it was a terrible hair day. I flew all night, I usually have bangs...I ment that I am only waa-waa sad once and a while, not all the time...perhaps a bra would have been a good idea (maybe the braless and flawless summer doesn't translate well to film...Someone should have told me that I had that crazy crooked eyeliner on...I could go on...

Maybe that will make this all good. Maybe it is more real. Flaw filled + fearless?

I am glad to be back in NYC. Spent the day in the queens with my best, watched some smurfs, invented the word douchecock, and played one of my favorite games called "do motorboat lips while I take pictures". When Jeff + I are together we suddenly turn back into the 6 year olds we were when we first became friends. It is amazing. I love it. Of all the Jeff's in my life, this one is my number one fav.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I love you.

I feel like I have been reborn. Here I am sitting at my Spagatti's house in Queens. This place is one of the few constants I have ever had in my adult life. We moved to NYC the same year over 7 years ago and he has always lived here and I have lived in about 15 different places. It is a crappy apartment. I just killed a giant cockroach. The baseboards have dust on them that would give my mother a heart attack. I love it more than I love most things. There is a giant Canadian flag over his bed and a store manniquen named mandy that is wearing a gold sequin tube top and a leather rolling stones skirt in the living room.

Did Vegas even happen? I know I was there. I think I spent most of it some gut wrenching self-absorbed playing victim daze.

Anyways, New York is beautiful tonight. I walked back here from the subway and just the smell, the air, the people sitting on their stoops, the moon. There is just so much beauty here. You know how when you go clothes shopping and you try on 15 pairs of jeans and nothing fits right? But then you try on one pair and it just is exactly right in everyway. That is what NYC feels like to me. It is my perfect fit.

There is a line in this Mozella song that says

"But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life"

Ps. Finally got footage of the MJ tribute. Check us out!
choreography by Nick Kenkel.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

out wih the old. In with the new.

Goodbye Las Vegas.
Goodbye Firefly.
Goodbye Planet Hollywood + my theatre.
Goodbye spot between blades + allie in the dressing room.
Goodbye to 8 pm calltimes.
Goodbye steering wheel that is too hot to touch.
Goodbye Flamingo, the i-15 and Koval.
Goodbye pools that are nightclubs during the day.
Goodbye how serene ave. stopped being serene.
Goodbye damn &%$# express bus that has followed me around for 6 MONTHS everyday.
Goodbye to everything that was + every memory I had tied to this town.
Goodbye to my studio space at the Rock Center.
Goodbye to that girl who was scared to be alone.

Hello. New York City. It has been a while. I hope you still remember me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Chaos is a great teacher.

My favorite day in Vegas was when Hobo and I went hiking at Red Rock.

Working with Jerry Mitchell was a dream come true.

I loved spending my days off at Wet Republic with my girlies.

I am so glad that I got to shoot TWICE with the amazing Bryan Hainer.

I thought I was in heaven that I got to WORK with Mel B. She was such an amazing inspiration to me + full of girl power.

Today is my last day in Vegas. I was reflecting last night on the past 7 months here and all that has changed and how much I have grown. The girlies were all commenting on this also. It is amazing what life can throw at you. I moved out here thinking that finally I would have it all at the same time. My dream job, my dream doggie, my dream home and my dream heart all together in one place after fighting against the tides for almost 3 years. It seemed that from the minute I arrived that Las Vegas had it out for me. Suddenly half of my perfect world was gone, I was in the hospital, I got in a car wreck, I knocked my front two teeth out, the show was changing, the cast was changing, we were in the midst of a very stressful opening while being taped for our tv show, I met albie and we became inseparable and then completely separated, my mom visited 3 times, my best friend got her heart broken big time, they dyed my hair orange at work, I got the flu, I got strep throat, I got a lung infection... I really remember wanting to give up.

But I have come out of my months here so much stronger and with so much peace in my heart. I choose forgiveness for those people who hurt me. I choose to take better care of myself so that I won't be ending up in any more hospital beds, I choose to believe that above all else in my heart of hearts I am a good person. I make mistakes, I have flaws but my intentions are always for the best. I have spent these months in a sort of isolation. Far away from all my best friends and my city. I got to spend alot of time thinking about what it is that I am really searching for in life and all the things that I expect out of myself and others.

I still want it all at the same time, and I always will. I just think that my plan has to include NYC...I am leaving all my sins in sin city and starting fresh in my city. What could be better!