big big big big big news.


we're engaged!

full story
http://keltiecolleen-imengaged.buzznet.com/user/photos/

view the full blog here.

Question:

is anyone ever happy in long term relationships?

answer: HERE.

depression is a beast.

When I was in 11th grade, an a week away from an ultra important ballet exam, the pressure got to me and I had a major meltdown. I had been eating only golden delicious apples for a week in preparation of the exam, and at some point the world got to much for me and I decided that hiding under the giant purple desk at my dance studio and crying was the best option.

That is my first memory of dealing with depression. It sneaks up on me.

A friend found me and it was the first time I went to see a doctor about my feelings. Over the years I have been to many and I suffer from a condition called PMDD. Sounds lame, but somewhere inside my chemical make-up my feelings are directly linked to my hormones. So, being a girl and having a 28 day cycle of hormones, my body doesn’t do very well when some of those hormone levels are high or low. I take medicine for this, and have for years, and I never told ANYONE, because I so embarrassed. Swoon was the first boy I ever told, and he’s been so amazing and supportive. I know this sounds really weird but somedays I wish I was just missing an arm, or something, then I could say- see look! This is why I am hurting. When it’s a condition inside your brain, you are always mixed with a hundred people and naysayers saying that it doesn’t exist.

I can live 40-50 perfectly happy days and then fall into a week of dark, hopeless days. I feel very embarrassed about my struggle with depression, and I never really talk about it, but I could assume that some of my up’s and down’s are why people say I am crazy. I’m not crazy, but I can fall into staggering lows if I let myself. Last week, I had a day where I turned off my computer, and phone and sat looking out the window for almost 10 hours. I just sat there. I had a million questions for the universe and I was pissed. At 5 pm swoon called me and I was crying so hard, he came home early from work. I swear, he thought I was dying. I kinda wished I was. That’s how low it gets.

In the midst of my darkest days, I feel like I might never recover. That I might not ever feel okay again, eventually, I do. But, inside of it all, I struggle. Do you know what I mean? And you feel a little silly right? Who am I to complain? There are starving children and people without a cent and with cancer and war heroes, and THOSE people have the right to be sad! Not us! I hope that this blog today opens up a good conversation about depression, and how it can happen to anyone. I also want to know that I accept fully that this is a condition that my brain has given me, and not something I brought on myself, and that it is not ANY of our faults when we feel this way.

I wanted to write this blog because I wanted to be honest, and I wondered if any of you have ever felt this way, or dealt with any form of depression. I put some of my symptoms in this gallery, and I hope you will take a look.

Just remember, you are never alone, and if no one if your world gets it- I do.

ps. I hope you click through and look at my gallery, and that you find some comfort in knowing someone out there struggles too. :)

CLICK HERE.

I think we all look in the mirror sometimes and give our reflection sexy face and are happily convinced that we are total babes. Usually, for me, the next thing that happens is that I see a photo of me from that day and I look like a super try-hard, lipstick on her teeth, nerd burger.

I think sometimes it's super hard to look out at the media and world around us and feel good about our outward opinion. Everywhere I turn I see Kim Kardashian going to the gym with a full face of makeup looking better than I do on a red carpet! It's hard on your girl heart- to always feel less than pretty.

That is why I was thrilled when legendary photographer Brad Elterman agreed to shoot me in Los Angeles. He is one of the most famous rock n roll photogs of all time, and I knew if anyone could catch a good side of me...it would be him.

Our day together was "cosmic" as he would say. Brad has amazing energy and was trying his best to convince me I was cool!! I guess what I learned from our shoot is that, the things that make you different are really the things that make you beautiful.

Check out this behind the scenes video & photos! Stay tuned for Brad's take on the photo shoot tomorrow and the full photos this Friday!

my AMA day!

INSPIRATION FOR YOUR DAY:

One thing I learned last night, that I wanted to pass along is that we see all these stars, and think in our heads that they are so untouchable, or that they possess something so much more special then any of us have, or that they have a kind of beauty that we could never posses. The closer I get to these people the more I realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. Anyone can look that amazing with a glam squad, and anyone (yes even me) can walk on a red carpet in a cute dress if they have the right team behind them. So, the next time you look t an US weekly, or a People magazine and feel jealous that j.lo always has perfect hair, remember J.Lo can't go to the store in her sweatpants without makeup. EVER. She can never just be herself....she always has to be 'J.lo" yikes, that seems like ALOT of work! Be happy to be you!

You can check out my AMA outfit here!

twilight.

last night I got to attend the Twilight Breaking Dawn premiere! I made videos and took pictures and if you want to see them click here.

It's been a really long road this year.

It began with a shoe store and I spent the better part of a year crying hysterically all day long, followed by joyous phone calls to my besties to celebrate minor successes! I got a manager. I got a big fancy agent. I got a big fancy producer to ask to make my book a tv show. I got to meet a big A-list celeb to play me. Everything was going as planned and then...

My integrity stepped in.

Somewhere they decided to make my character a slut, (I tried not to take that personally.) They turned the Rockers into stock brokers and the foot tape into leg warmers and began creating a world I didn't recognize, and one that I know that you, my readers, would not care about or be inspired by at all.

So then, at a gas station while washing my beat up 2000 CRV and counting my last few dollar bills, I made my decision. I wasn't going to take something so real, authentic and un-apologetically transparent and turn it into a bright, shiny made for tv movie will beautiful, perfect girls and fake story lines. I walked away.

I then had some people say really nice things to me like, "No one cares about your book until you sell 1 million copies" "We are waiting to see about getting you a publishing deal until we see if the tv show sells"

The emails got shorter, the time between responses got longer and I once again became an unpopular blogger who wrote a book and published it herself.

I don't care if I never make a tv show. I don't care if all the "book snobs" of the world think my book sucks. I don't care if agents and people who make a living making books, don't want to take mine under their wing.

Most of the time I agree with them, hate myself, look at my writing and agree. It sucks.

But, then you email me, you tweet me, you write me. Your long winded late night confessionals about why, who and how your own heart broke. How this quote saved you. How this book helped you. How you have your own Dreamer. How your own Rocker left you.

And that is what matters. Last night I was sitting, letting tears run down my cheeks in an honest conversation about death. I am so scared to die. I don't know about souls, or where we go and nothingness haunts me. I do know this. If we die, and all we have are our souls, then we need to make every single decision with those souls. The human connection is the only THING that is really real guys. When we go to heaven we won't have eyes to see BMWs or hands to count dollar bills with. We will have our souls. That's all.

So, I am filling up my soul by giving the middle finger to everyone who doesn't think I can be a writer. I am putting out the second edition of Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom on my own because it's gonna fill up my soul (and maybe your soul), and that's what counts.

AND YOU ARE GONNA HELP ME?

Calling all artists. I need you all to create the cover art for RRR 2.0. I see the things you create on tumblr, twitter, weheartit and I know that you are the most brilliant artists in the world. Here is a gallery of my favorite book covers, please create and post in the comments your design for me- I will be picking the winner next week and you will receive credit, a free e-book copy of RRR 2.0, some sugar and bruno clothes, and an autographed poster of your work. You have until Friday Novemeber 4th, 2011 and must be 13 years or older to enter.

Thanks for helping me, believing in me, and fighting the good fight. xx

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

-It can be photoshop, drawing, graphics but you must own the right to all images used

-Must include the title "Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom" and by: Keltie Colleen

-Color or black and white

-Please no ballerinas

-No photos of my face (i'd prefer to not be on the cover this time)

-BE CREATIVE!

you have 2 weeks!

visit my buzznet page for a gallery of images I love + to enter!

prescription for clarity:


1- try to develop a genuine appreciation for people by realizing the truth about them, they are all children of god, unique personalities and creative beings.

2- take the trouble to stop and think of the other persons feelings, viewpoints, desires, and needs, think more of what the other fellow wants and how he must feel.

3- act as if other people are important and treat them accordingly.

new blog.

here.

about this.

sometimes sadness can come over you in a wave
and your brain is just no match for your heart.
you should know better.

but a song
a smell
a photo

will take you right back.

And your happiness is ruin buy old hurt.


I hate old hurt.

The 'Oh shit" moment.

I was in church last week + heard the most amazing speech. I cannot remember it exactly but it went something like this.

"Everyone always thinks they have it totally figured out. Who they love, who they hate, what is important, what they want, what they need, and how the world works, and their relationship with god until...

the 'oh shit moment'

The moment when the plane is crashing or the cancer is happening that changes everything. "


I have been living my life this year as one big "oh shit" moment. Focusing truly on the things that are 100% important and living my life as if the plane is crashing down. It's meant some big changes in my friends, life, structure and time but I'd rather do it now then when I crash.

rome day1.

I am writing this as I take train by myself though inner italy, on route to my next stop on my 8 days here. It’s been amazing to be away from LA and the USA and everything normal and submerged in culture, beauty and a slow paced lifestyle.

I was eating dinner last night with my girlfriend that joined me for the first 3 days and we started talking about the things we love and what we would change.

I said that, although Los Angeles makes me want to collect things, I am always happiest when I am collecting memories.

She replied by saying “Driving a BMW is very nice, and I am sure it is fun, but it isn’t an experience, do not confuse the two”

I know we live in this culture that gives us one kind of pretty, one kind of success, one kind of rich and somehow we all become slaves to that status quo. It beats us down everyday making us feel like we are not good enough. That we do not matter unless we have lusted after “things.”

One day, at the end of your life, you will look back at all your years. I can guarantee you won’t marvel in all the hours you spent with perfect hair in your bmw.

Sometimes I spend so much time looking down at the ground, counting my imperfections in my head over and over, and rushing to get the the next part of my life that will somehow make sense that I forget that all my favorite moments are those in which I remember to look up.

If the sun is shining on me, and I can allow happiness into my heart- then I am the richest girl in town.

i made a gallery of all the things I have learned that I wish I could have told myself at 20. totally worth a read this morning.

enjoy. xx

CLICK HERE FOR GALLERY

for the heartbroken + uninspired.

emptied my "tape this to the fridge" folder on my mac + thought I would share it w/u -for the heartbroken + uninspired.

Click Here.

sometimes, no matter how much time has passed, or whose feelings were hurt, a person will always have a very special place in your heart. Years take the edge of rejection. Years take the sadness out of "I can't." The world has an amazing way of giving you what you need, and not always what you want.

It's been years. I will always consider you a part of my life in NYC and a million things have changed but you will always feel like home to me.

shark day.

This weekend I had a blast the shark night pool party. I realized that I am sort of a werid-o and I really enjoy marching to the beat of my own drum. I've been crafting a ton, and I made my flower halo for the party. Please check out the link to my gallery of photos~

things I learned at the pool party:

-hot tmz guy is hot in real life too.
-jeffery campbell lita's do not make good pool shoes.
-everyone has cellulite
-unless you are jennifer anniston or paula abdul you don't get to have your publicist act snotty to the press about interviews. You are the star of shark night, drop he tude chicks.
-a gay as a date never disappoints.
-when in doubt...lunge.

LINK TO PICTURES

It is very hard to see ourselves for what we really are. Easy to complain. Easy to want more than we have.

Today I am going to attempt to teach myself again that you cannot have it all just because you think you deserve it.

You don't really deserve anything, you work for everything.

get to work!

living louder.

a little musical story.

I once met a band of little boys. Those little boys signed a record deal, made a record, toured and never saw the success they deserved.

Then, no one knew what to do with them. So they wrote songs, for 3 years. Every song they turned in didn't sound like what the "safe" choice would have been, and so they were denied.

After a while, they had some break-ups, with managers and labels and I sat with my friends while they contemplated giving up totally. I decided that they might need some advice so I hooked them up with lunch with a guy i knew who was a music manager for a big company. They had lunch, and seemingly left even more defeated.

Eventually, that guy became their manager, they took all their own money and they made the record THEY believed in. The day it was released it took over the itunes charts without the help of a label, a fancy PR company or a million dollars. All they used was their songs and their amazing fanbase.

This is a story so inspiring, that it makes me cry. I will never forget this day. I will never forget what it feels like when the good guys win.

I am so proud.

If you haven't supported THE CAB by purchasing their record SYMPHONY SOLDIERS yet, please do.

This weekend was amazing. i got to go to Canada and turn off the internet, cell phone and life for 5 days and just enjoy my friends and family. I had never been in a wedding before and it just changed my heart so much. When I live in LA everyday I start making subconscious lists of all the things I want. A bigger house, a nicer car, more work, more money, more hours in the day. With my friends in Canada this week, I felt so rich. It didn't matter, none of the things we get blasted with that are "important" matter. Love matters. Family matters. I feel so happy and full.

I love when the good overtakes the bad, even if it is just for fleeting minutes.

If I had a penny for everytime you made me feel worthless, I'd be worth something by now.

Last night I got the chance to go to the troubadour and watch Christina Perri play. 3 amazing things happened.

first, she was amazing, gave me a shout out before jar of hearts, and made me more proud then ever. running up to her after the show and hearing "hi, best friend, I miss you" was the best thing ever. What weird about when one of you friends becomes an overnight sensation, is that in order to be a sensation, they don't really have time to be around anymore. It's been a hard year for me that way. To get used to LA without CP living underneath me. Not having my #1 around everyday like before. But, I guess that friendships really are like relationships in that, you just have to love someone, through the good and the bad and the close and the far. It won't always feel awesome but I think that sometimes the love that friends share is so special and what might tear apart lovers can never mess with a friendship.

secondly, I saw Rocker last night. I cannot remember the last time I saw him. Maybe 8 years ago? I couldn't look him in the eye but it was so nice to hug him and meet his lovely wife. Weird, how sometimes everything ends up just where it should be. When i was with rocker I was CONVINCED that he was the guy for me, and seeing him and his wife last night, made it really clear to me that that just wasn't the case. They are perfect together.

The third thing that happened was that i realized that my "perfect together" was there too. When Cp played "arms" and swoon stuck his around me, I couldn't help but think of how cool it was gonna be when Christina sang it for us at our wedding. It's just the perfect song for our story. i am crazy. He is calm. And he loves me anyways. I try to run everyday. I cry over stupid things. I obsess and he just rolls right along thinking I am the cats meow.

The most perfect moment was when we got home and I rolled over and said "Isn't it gonna be so cool when CP plays Arms at our wedding?" and he answered "I was totally thinking about that when she played that too!"

Bottom line: everyone is perfect for somebody. But we are not always perfect for who we this we should be perfect for. Love will find you. In the places you are not looking. Love is gonna find the people who broke your heart too, and you should want that for them. We all deserve happiness and once you find your own "meant to be" you won't feel so horrible about your "not meant to be's" loving someone else. Trust me.



you put your arms around me and I'm home.

this. just so much.

"you touch a wall and you break my heart"

thanks for nothing google.

I just googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?”.


I'm not even sure what my dreams are anymore? I am seriously questioning if I ever loved dancing. I think I might have just been in love with the music I got to dance to. In love with the musicians that played that music. I loved writing and wanted to be a writer until I realized that most of the time people just want you to write for free, and that writing is actually a hobby. Like doing crafts. Or jogging.


I had known from a very young age what I wanted to be when I grew up. In 5th grade I can vividly remember spending an entire week in health class filling out paperwork and using my number 10 lead pencil to make teenie-tiny dash marks on a receipt shaped paper during "career week." I answered questions like “do you prefer to work alone or in groups?” My choices were a)some of the time, b) all of the time or c)never. Next question, “I enjoy problem solving” a)some of the time, b)always, c)never. I was deeply convinced that at the end of all of these questions that my teacher would whisk my paper away, run it through that insane automatic marking machine in the office and would come back with an announcement. Not only to me, but to my entire 5th grade class. While Andy was most suited to being a firefighter and Jill was going to be a nurse, the test had proved without a doubt that the only job meant for Keltie was, superstar.

Over my years growing up my intention to my future calling never got any clearer. In 11th grade when I was failing algebra and had to get a math tutor, I announced at the top of my lungs to my entire class, that "math was stupid and that I was never going to need to use the Pythagorean theorem because when I was going to be a star and I would just hire someone to use the Pythagorean theorem for me, if I ever needed it, which I wouldn’t because no one actually uses the Pythagorean theorem."

So, I never made a back up plan. Back up plans were for people who were going to fail. Back up plans were for people who were not going to be stars. Back up plans were for people who in the deepest part of there guts, hiding in a teenie tiny little corner was the littlest hint of doubt that they had what it took to make it. I had no doubt. I had no back up plan. I had ballet shoes. I had a yellow leotard. I had a black and white headshot. I was going to be a star.

Fast forward. In 6 months I will turn 30 years old. When I was 14 I was convinced that like most things in life like rules and limitations, aging would also not apply to me. I am currently alternating acne cream and wrinkle cream nightly. I found my first grey hair. I am driving a 2001 Black Honda CRV with locks that do not work and blood splatters on the roof (I didn't notice them until I had already bought the car.)I buy most of my clothing at forever 21, as if wearing a dress that has a label that says it could actually make being perpetually 21 happen. I rent. I don’t have health insurance. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t have a back up plan.

Last night I googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?” in hopes that the information superhighway that usually tells me everything would have the answer to this question. It didn't. It did however, know how to make a chocolate cake from scratch.

dear followers.

Remember when you liked that guy in school and he didn’t even know you were alive? I am having a similar problem with a tv show. That show is So You Think You Can Dance Canada. I really want to be a guest judge, but they don’t know I am alive. If you agree with my 5 reasons they should consider me for guest judge please tweet the crap out of them. I can count on you army!

#1- That one time I was on the Cover of Dance Spirit Magazine (only 4 Canadians have ever done that)

#2- Danced for Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Fergie, Panic!, John Legend, Christina Perri + more.

#3- Grew up dancing in Canada + am Canadian.

#4- Radio City Rockette for 6 years. (one of 3 Canadians!)

#5-I really love dancing. It’s my soul. I would love to celebrate that love with my home and native land.

My soul thanks you in advance for helping me. Love, Keltie.

Tweet to @SYTYCDCanada

I saw Midnight in Paris the other night. I have to admit it messed up my insides. People said that it made them happy and hopeful about love. I felt the opposite. It made me terribly sad.

I wrote this after I saw the show:

Paris for me, is the reminder of love. Paris is the city of love. It was impossible to not have the movie pull on your heart strings. Paris to me represents, the kind of love the seems more special because you know it won't ever last. It can't possibly last. Love like that only exists on short vacations to Paris and tiny little places in your mind. Somehow memory changes everything that was wrong, into everything that is right. I guess that is why the last person who broke your heart, will always be the one that messed you up the most. Our minds have this uncanny ability to rewrite everything that was. Fear turns into fearlessness. The end is the beginning. Lovers are never realists. We cannot ever see the truth with our hearts. We can only see what we want to see. Paris to me, isn't real. Paris represents every romantic moment of my life and how fleeting that "perfection" is.

I think one of the greatest powers I possess is the power to be in bed in the morning, completely unsure if I can go on. Then somehow get up, smile, have "great energy" and continue on. No one who doesn't read this, or know me well would ever know how much I fight against my brain. The good news is, once and a while I create something that makes me like myself again, and this is one of those things. It's amazing how much good lighting and a skilled camera man can boost your confidence.


take a look at my behind the scenes video

Honestly, I just googled "What I am supposed to do with my life?"

I think the hardest thing ever is to simultaneously love yourself and completely hate yourself. To believe that there is something so special about yourself that all of this hard work will eventually turn into the life of your dreams and also be convinced that you deserve nothing of the sort.


I can't figure out which part of me to believe.

i needed this sign in my life today.

a year ago.

Sometimes I like to people watch. I see so many bits of the old me. So many are all trying to make things that do not work, work. I used to be that girl. Making excuses. Over looking obvious red flags. Fighting. I would have never believed it but I seriously think that there is a perfect person who fits perfectly into everyone of our lives.
I always wondered how you are supposed to know when you meet the “one.” I am far from an expert at relationships and I am far from perfect. All the days I have known Swoon I have never had a fight with him. I’ve never raised my voice, wondered if we would last, wished for someone else, drove off in rage. None of it. I think love must be when your care and concern for someone else’s well being equals your own. A mutual respect for each others feelings. You don’t have to freak out or yell because you respect the other persons far too much to treat them that way. When I get angry and break into fits of hysterics swoon usually says “awww come here mamma” and just holds onto my girl-fit until I calm down. He calls this snuggling. I call it hormones. This year when I started to walk away from my dance life (which provided a pretty radical paycheck) and went into becoming an unknown writer (which left me with an almost non-existent paycheck) he never made me feel like less of a human. He just told me he would support me as long as I needed him to and that he believed in me. So easy. We talk about getting married everyday and I never break into hives. When we play doggie swap with my ex he shakes his hand and says things like “I could see us all being friends one day.” Who says that? He is more handsome everyday. Sometimes I go to the laundry basket and smell his old shirts because that smell makes me happy. I know! I’m seriously screwed right?! But maybe that is what love is. The tiny little things that make normal days better.

I know I am going on and on, but love is confusing to all of us, and I thought that in the brief instant that I think I might have it figured out wanted to share.

Don’t waste time trying to change those red flags, because you might be missing out on your perfect match! My biggest regret is that I spent much of my 20’s wasting time on boys that were wrong for me. Sure, I loved them. Sure, there were moments of fun. Sure, skinny jeans make me swoon.

True love feels better than all of that.
Trust me.

In my life I had a godfather who was 6'6 and a deep-voiced, sort of intimidating farmer. He bought me my first roses. He used to tell me that "any boy who wanted me had to meet DA GODFATHER first". This past December when the girls from TWLOHA came to my house for a book party, he scared the crap out of them. Sometimes the things people do for you, stand out more than the words they say. He never said much. But, he was there for every single big day of mine. He bored people with stories of my adventures and when I showed up today in my 4 inch back heels, instead of cowboy boots, my mom told me "that is just the way he would have wanted you to be! Standing out from the crowd!"

Today we had the viewing of my godfather. I cried through the whole thing. I have so many memories of this amazing, sweet man. He was my biggest fan. Weird to be in a room of people and everyone knowing who you are because they've heard about your entire life.

I couldn't stop thinking about today was how we spend our entire lives collecting "things". We live in this insane commercial world where everything is for sale and our worth is determined by what we have surrounding us. My godfather passed away and now we must get rid of his cows, peacocks, shop, farm, cats, dog, even the turkey (who has been camped out on the hood of his pick-up truck waiting for him to get back) Everything must go. At the end of your life why did you work so hard to collect things? You should have been collecting memories.

LA has played a trick on me, it got me thinking that I am a less than person with my less than car and my second hand clothes. That I need a house with a pool. That I need fancy meals and fancy friends.

Today made me want to hug my parents, forgive my enemies, tell swoon I love every inch of his 6'5 self with all of my heart. It made me want to walk my dog, see the world, and relish in this awesome adventure called life. It did not make me want to drive a bmw. It didn't make me want to buy designer clothes. It did not make me want anything but to live my life completely full out and fearless.

People die. Unexpectedly.

So, start collecting love + memories and worry less about whatever new, hot thing that is being thrown in your face.

I know I am not making sense.
Just I love you.
I'm sad.
I wish I had the ability to tell people how much they mean to me before I can't say those things anymore.

ox

BUZZNET

The amazingness that is Kate Cordova followed me around all day so that I could give Buzznet a peak into what my life is like. My life is Diet Coke, HOBO in the front seat, auditions, interviews, managers, and a million meetings about my book-turned-tv-series. BAN.AN.AS!!

I am passionate about so many things that sometimes it gets me in trouble. I never have enough time to do everything. I also have a very ginormas forehead which bugs me. I guess the thing no one ever tells you about having your dreams come true is how much work is involved. I need a nap! I am so excited about all the art I am creating and totally thankful that I get to live my dreams.

In part one: shopping for a dress for the Mr. Popper's Penguin Premiere, pick up a script from my manager, and trying diet coke with lime (yuck!)

CLICK RIGHT HERE to watch the video!

matt nathanson. le sigh.

awwwwww crap.





i might be fake in love with the fake version of him I created in my head, again.

le sigh.

hey weird girl!

Your guts are your guts and when they talk to you, you should listen.

There are so few things in the world that are REALLY yours, your skin, your hair, your underwear. Most of us rent shelter, have car payments and eat food prepared by someone else. Really, your feelings have to be one of your most prized possessions.

Sometimes my feelings make me act like a whiny little baby.
Sometimes my feelings get me so high that I cannot help but skip, sing at the top of my lungs and drink 14 diet cokes in one day.

Feelings are hard to understand but I always try to remember this:

(IF I have had enough sleep...because me without sleep is the exception to this rule)

If there wasn't a reason to feel hurt, you wouldn't feel hurt.
If there wasn't a reason to feel weird, you wouldn't feel weird.

These questions should not be allowed:
"should I be feeling this way?"
"am I just being stupid?"

What you feel is really in essence, who you are. So, just know that whatever happiness or loneliness you are feeling right now is preparing you for something really important. We have to believe that. You kinda have to be able to look at life and acknowledge all the good stuff, all the messy stuff and all the weird stuff and somehow sort out that you still actually like yourself and that your entire life is not a tragic waste. There is no reason to ever feel "weird" because if you are feeling then you are living!

In was reading “Don’t Sleep with your Drummer” by Jen Sincero last week and she had the best line. “ Being in denial is a lot harder when someone else has witnessed the truth” SO true right? I’ve been in that situation so many times. Especially in relationships. People would (most spagatti) tell me that someone was bad news and I would choose not to admit it. My guts knew it. The girls he had invited on the tour bus and impress with “she’s not my girlfriend” lines knew it. But, I wanted to stay in denial. It is a much safer place to stay. We work so hard to create these picture perfect magical lives and when they do not turn out the way we think they should, and after SO much work, it is really hard to throw in the towel and admit defeat. Sometimes for me, it was a mix of wanting things to work and not wanting to fail at something. It’s really hard to be bad at love. Movies and tv shows make love look pretty easy, most of my friends have found totally contented love that thrives. It is embarrassing to me to fail once, at anything. I failed more than two hands can hold at love. Sometimes, even when you know things are not working you do not want to admit defeat.

But Jenn is right.

You cannot deny something when everyone else has already seen the truth!

temporary bliss.

someone once said to me. Do not fret, this is only temporary. I think this is the single best piece of advice I have gotten all year. I get so passionate and emotional so much of the time. Little insignificant things will fill up my Psyche and I will obsess over them until the point of tears. I swear if I have a nickel for all the times I was convinced the world was ending I would be driving a way sweeter car. I think myself into these bubbles and have a really hard time understanding that everything in life is only temporary.
The way we feel.
Our surroundings.
Our situations.

It really is a new day at each and every sunrise.

That friend that hates you right now.
That boy who has no idea you are alive.
That empty wallet of yours

Is only temporary! Doesn’t that make it so much better!?

Carpe the hell out of that diem!

sometimes it seems like people who are mean, rude, and act out seem to win. I hate karma for working that way. we all have to believe that it is only temporary. everyone is watching them because they are pulling focus. no one is watching them act that way and then actually liking them. At the end of it all, are they really ahead?

no.

stay strong army. fight the good fight.

thanks universe.

I started dancing when I was 3 years old. It was the only thing I really ever did growing up. I got to the point where I was supposed to decide what I was going to do with my life and it made sense to pick dancing. After all, I had worked for years at it. So, I forged out on this career and have fought tooth and nail for all of it. Every single day of my career have worked my butt off forcing fate.

Next story-
A few years ago I got my heart broken and I started writing. I just wrote because I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. Eventually, I finished writing and decided I would put out the book I had made. It all came from love. There was no tooth and nail. It was a very natural (*although sometimes heartbreaking) process. Eventually, the book ended up in the hands of some really nice people and since that day my job has been to go around and talk to people about my story, my heart and the things that make me tick. I don't have to wear padded bras or transform myself into "hotter" "more commerical" version of myself for these meetings. I usually roll into them in an old tee-shirt and my boots. I don't think that in this world I get to ever pop open the champange and celebrate but some really mind blowing, amazing things have happened in the past few months.

Here is my thought. Sometimes we need to sit back and realize that the things was WANT to make happen are not always our destiny. You can push and push and push, but the universe (god, the heavens- whatever you call it) has a pretty clear path mapped out for you. Sometimes we are trying so hard to make something happen that we pass by what it so naturally put in front of us.

I bet if you stopped crushing on that total jerkface there would be a nice guy around for you, just saying.
I bet if you just looked like you, and spoke your mind that people would listen.

Listen to what the universe is telling you!

meet my honeys, honeyhoney.

I have very good news.

I cannot tell you that news so I have to tell you some other good news.

When you go see CP on tour this summer you will also get to see one of my favorite live bands ever, HoneyHoney. I met them last year at sxsw and have been a super fan ever since. They are insanely good humans + put on a drag down, sexy town show.

Get into it!

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”

-The Notebook.

I used to think that love was about seeing someone you thought was delicious and then letting them know your insides and kissing and holding hands. I am sure all of that is true, but I now know that love is about waking up each day and making a choice to live for someone and to put effort into loving them. You have to show them that love and making the time to show them your heart, not just in the beginning, but everyday.

Love is about being close to someone when they are right, being selfless when they are wrong. Loving their ideals and what makes them tick. Loving the way a look from them can calm your constantly ragging guts.

Usually, at weddings when the bouquet toss happens I stand in the back avoiding being the person to catch it. I've always been afraid that it would end up in my hands.
Last night I stood in the front because I wanted it to be me.

I wanted to be next.
I wanted us to be true.
I want you.

a million years could pass and that little house on the hill with you and her inside will never feel better in my guts. I could get married, get swept away, get his name, get the love I deserve and it still wouldn't be enough.

I wish that happiness could erase old hurt the way old hurt obliterates knowing better.

Last night I was going to run.
swearsies.
I read this.
This morning I woke up so glad I had stayed.



"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

— Bob Marley

New! New! New!

I've been writing my tail off + couldn't be prouder that I can announce that I have officially finished the homework my mangers gave me. Tomorrow I am meeting with the amazing people who made 2 1/2 men (again) because they want me to meet the guy who wrote "Wonder Years". There are some things I wish were different sure, but instead of complaining I am reveling in the blessings my hard work have given me. Slowly, I am going to share bits and pieces + promise to keep you updated on what is happening. Thanks for hanging in with me. I love your guts.



New Work!

Every single night before I went to bed I would do three things in this order:

I would ice every single fiber of my body that was sore. First my feet and ankles, then my shoulders and lastly my hips. Twenty minutes each part.

Next, I would go to the bathroom and start tearing away the hockey tape I had used to cover my blisters all day. Once my feet were tape free I would sit on the toilet holding a tissue between my legs hoping to catch some of my magical foot salvation. I would then take the tissue I had just peed on and prop my feet up on the sink and carefully cover each of my blisters with my own urine. This I found was the magical cure for open sores. There was nothing that could heal a blister faster than this. Once the pee had semi-dried, I would hobble into bed. I slept with the urine on my feet all night long so that hopefully in the morning my feet would be slightly less raw and sore. There were so many things to worry about during rehearsals and there was absolutely no compassion given to blistered feet. It wasn’t
that we were going to be able to NOT get blisters, it was how many, which toe and were they infected yet? We had an entire team of physical therapists who treated our feet. I once had a blister that was so bad it would hang like a lip over the back on my tap shoe, when they finally took me to the doctor they lanced it off to reveal a nasty infection coming from the blister underneath that blister. Even my blisters were blistered.

The last thing I would do before I went to sleep at night would be to plan my escape. I would make a mental list of all of the reasons that I could pack up my bags and go away from all of this insane pressure. In my head I would make plans to take what was left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, Prince Rupert or Greenland and become a Starbucks barista. Sure they had to deal with people asking for triple venti skinny one shot mochas but at least they didn’t have to sleep with their own pee on their blistered feet.
I would plan to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I played out what it would feel like to show up at rehearsals late the next day and start yelling at people, just showing up without my tap shoes on and just start screaming all the ways that everything about this process ruined my soul. That there was no reason to be hard on us, couldn’t they see we were all trying so hard inside each moment! Did they know that at the end of the day we all had tears running down our cheeks? This was my childhood dream! I had missed out on proms, parties, and Friday nights my entire life for this! This was supposed to feel magical, like watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade on repeat! This was Christmas for heaven sake. We were ambassadors for the most wonderful time of the year! All the girls and even Santa himself would look at me in shock and awe and then band together and we would all run off to Greenland together, free from the pressures of getting exactly what we wanted and not wanting it at all.

But that never happened. Somewhere inside my fantastic escape plan I would find sleep. The next morning my alarm would ring. I would get up, put on my tights and tap shoes and become the lines fearless leader for another 8 hours.

-RRR 2.0

Some my favorite people...


Jamie from TWLOHA
Swoon.
Elmo, Cp's drummer.

cute right?

Today I heard a song line that went "everything is magical until it becomes routine".

So true right? 5 years ago I would have died to have the kind of week I had dancing with Beyonce!! Swoon drove all the way to vegas just to sit in the crowd an cheer me on! All good things right?

But it didn't feel magical. It just felt normal. That's how I feel in my heart too. So weird isn't it? To just want someone so normal for so long and then not be able to take anything from it because it feels so good all the time?

Falling in love is the single best feeling on the planet. You cannot get enough of someone. Your eyes twinkle when they meet eachothers. He's perfect. He's kind. He really cares about you. But for some reason I have such a hard time even appreciating that because my mind is set that all really good things should be really, really hard.

I think it is so pathetic that I feel the most alive + inspired when I am hurting.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Guest blogger: Lucy Karahagopian !!

I was having a conversation with someone today... a conversation I've previously had with the same person countless times. And although said person forgets what has been said the next day, i've realized that while trying to help her snap out of her depression I have helped myself to stop being such a douchebag.

So this person has lived her entire life being afraid of what other people might say. She has lived her life as the image of perfection on the outside, and a complete mess on the inside. 8 years ago something happened in her life, and even though it was something drastic that affected the lives of more than one person she still has not been able to let go. For the past 8 years she has been a workaholic and a very aggressive person who takes it all out on the people she loves.
She is an extraordinary person, but a martyr. She helps everyone around her but fails to see the good things that come to her and pushes them away.

The worst thing you can do is live by other people. Here's the thing, they're not the ones living your life. They're not going through your pain. They have no clue what goes on inside your head, or your home. People who have nothing better to do than discuss other people's lives are pretty much worthless and hence you should not even give them a second thought. When you do, you give them more chances to interfere with your own affairs and you let them get to you when you really shouldn't give a damn. At the end of the day it's your life. Live it. Do whatever you want, wear whatever makes you comfortable, go wherever you wanna go, blast the music and dance like a lunatic if it makes you happy.
If you do not let yourself be happy, no one is going to do it for you. So either take matters into your own hands or shut the hell u p and do not blame other people.

You know that saying that you should do good and not expect anything in return? Don't take it too seriously. What happens most of the time is that you do good over and over again, people get used to it and thats the fastest way of becoming a doormat. Do not give anyone the chance to abuse you. So yes, be good to people, help them if you can, but you do not have to sacrifice your happiness for people who do not appreciate it.
I understand sacrificing for people you love, and poeple who appreciate what you do. But giving up your own happiness and that of people who care about you for the sake of others who are just going to turn around and stab you in the back, that I don't get.
I am becoming a strong believer of the fact that the most important person in your life should be you. If you are not well enough to be able to take care of yourself and provide your own happiness then you will never be able to achieve anything and you will never be able to be of any help to people who truly need you. I've heard this several times from my best friend but have only started to realize how true it is.

The point of all this rambling is that YOU are the only person who can stand in your own way by choosing to be negative, by not giving yourself a chance, by constantly doubting yourself and by not caring enough for your own needs. Cut it out. Take a breath. Loosen up. Go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Screw other people, screw society, screw everyone who's ever made you feel any less than amazing. YOU are phenomenal. Act like it.


more at http://deludedkitten.blogspot.com/

Lucy, I love this. there is a good chance I am printing this out and putting it up on my fridge, amazing. Thank you for sharing.

sometimes I wonder why things happen. Why did I date singer? Why did he come in and out of my life. Sometimes the answer comes really quick, in a few days and sometimes it takes years. Apparently, Singer was in my life so that I could follow him around while he played in this band, and so I could become friends with Luke (the lead singer) and then after Singer left the band, continue to love Atomic Tom and continue to follow them around to all their shows.

And then one day the made a music video and asked me to choreograph + I said I would but I had to dance too.

You just never get to know what the universe has in store for you. Maybe it is a broken heart. Maybe it is a tittie pop.

what do you guys think?

messing with a broke...broke.

I have been hiding out writing as many of my crazy NYC dancer stories down that I can think of. It's been really fun. I wanted to share this one!-KC



The next day I received a phone call from a casting director regarding a dance job I had applied for on one of endless streams of casting websites that I click, click, clicked every morning with my morning cup of green tea.
He was looking for the featured dancer for a music video that was shooting in Brooklyn the next day. He had seen my photos on my submission and wondered if I had any background in 1970’s go-go dancing. As a rule of thumb in my career- I had a background in everything, honestly I was at best a good dancer. But depending on who was on the other end of the casting phone call I would completely morph myself to having whatever skills they were looking for. You need someone who could do pointe work? I hadn’t touched my ballet shoes in almost 3 years, but I was still an expert who “almost” danced with the National Ballet of Canada, lie. You needed someone who could do lifts and partnering? I did one boy/girl jazz duet at dance competitions, so obviously that qualified me as a pas de deux expert, lie. Jobs for me were so few and far between that when landed on my lap, I had to do my best to be whatever it was that they needed. I didn’t care WHAT they wanted, I had to convince them that they wanted me.

So I did what I did best, I faked it till I made it. Almost instantly, I had studied fosse extensively and was very versed in all things with the 1970’s feel when really I was born in 1982. I had no idea what I was talking about. He seemed intrigued. He said that this was great and he said he would email me the address and information for the shoot and asked me to be there at 10 am the next day. I asked him about rehearsals and other dancers and he told me that I didn’t need to rehearse because I was going to be the only dancer. I couldn’t be more excited! I didn’t even have to audition. My very first official music video and it was a solo! When the email arrived I found out who I would be dancing for, Kayne West. This was many years before I would be dancing beside Taylor Swift and comforting her the night when the combination of these two stars on the MTV stage would cause an uproar. This was long before I knew what a golddigger was. I had no idea who this was. I call my mom.

“Mom! I booked a music video! I am going to be dancing for KAYNE (I pronounced it KA-IN-YEA) WEST”
“who is that?”
“I have no idea! It shoots tomorrow, amazing right!”
“yes!”

We celebrated my doing un-specified choreography in an unspecified music video for an artist I had never heard of like I had just won an Oscar.

The Next day I hopped on the subway and headed out to Brooklyn, when I arrived to the station, I treated myself to a cab ride from the station to the shoot. Mostly because I had no idea where I was, and also because I wanted to seem important when I arrived. When I did arrive in my cab, no one was outside to see me being important. I paid the cab driver and looked at the door with the numbers that matched my email. I started to seriously doubt that this was actually a job, there appeared to be no one inside. I knocked on the rusted, graffiti covered door and heard nothing. Finally after enough time had past for me to plan how I was going to tell my mom that the video had turned out to be nothing, the door opened. It was a dude with a headset. I told him I was a dancer in the video, he looked confused and told me to come with him. I followed him around the set while he asked every single person, "do you know where I put this dancer?" PUT THIS DANCER. It felt the same as if he was asking the crew where the dumpster for the trash was. This was not the glamorous version of my music video debut I had envisioned. Finally, the dude put me in a tiny little dressing room and told me to wait there. SO, I waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, the director found me. He introduced himself and brought me to set. He showed me a giant white shadow box and had me step inside. It was made of white paper and lit from behind so that when I was inside all the camera could see was my silhouette. It became clear why I had booked this job without an audition. It didn’t matter what I looked like, because you weren’t going to even see me. I was going to dance inside a box. I came out of the box and waited for shooting to start and watched a giant entourage of huge men surround a tiny little guy wearing a Letterman sweater. Apparently Kayne West had arrived. Once he got onto the sound stage the guy who had been standing in a giant bear costume for the last 45 mintues in the heavy stage lights moved out of the way and got out of the bear suit. Kayne put the suit on and it was time to shoot. Where the heck was I? I was Dancing in a box for a guy rapping while wearing a bear suit? Was this what showbiz was always going to feel like? Confusing and overwhelming?

This was the first time I could ever remember learning one of the lessons of my entire dance career. Dancers lived at the bottom of the showbiz pond. On top were the stars and somewhere down at the bottom with the silt and sludge were the dancers and production assistants. No one of set knew my name, brought me water, cared that I had been dancing full out in that tiny box completely overheating for the last 2 hours without a break. I was far too scared and overwhelmed to ask for anything I might have needed. In between takes I would just take deep breaths and pray that it would all be over soon. I was released from my box and nothing was ever said again to me. I walked around set and tried to find the man that I had spoken to on the phone, I asked everyone if they knew where we got paid. I told them I was told I would get $150 at the wrap of the shoot. No one seemed to know. When I finally did see phone call man he told me that he was so sorry but had forgotten to get cash to pay me, he took down my address and promised to send out a check tomorrow when everything calmed down. I agreed because I trust everyone, I am Canadian, I don't even lock my house. I learned that day the reason it is called show business. If it was going to be a good time and people were going to throw money at me after I completed a job it would be called, show fun.

Everyday for the next two weeks I ran to the mailbox to see if I had been paid. For me at the time a check for $150 was a tiny life of dance life salvation. The check never came. That day I learned the reason that Kayne’s “golddigger” wasn’t messing with a broke...broke. He kept that $150 for himself.

You know how our favorite actresses, pop stars or icons all tend to at one point in their career, go seemingly mad? I used to think that was based on the fact that you have to be a little weird, unique and slightly out of your mind to want to be in show business.
The truth is that showbiz is one big illusion. An empty mirage. Showbiz is a world full of constant judgement and scaredy cat people. There is nothing real here because everything we make is make believe.

That being said. I am off the the 101 to have breakfast with my bestie because love and friendship are the only thing worth fighting for, I believe.

crying is okay here.

everything single fiber of my being wants to give up today.

In my head within the last hour I made plans to take what is left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, prince rupert or Greenland and become a starbucks barista. I have made plans to drive my shitty suv off the edge of the highway because I am pretty sure the relief that I am aching for could come from the smash of all of me + all of my car. I have decided to start yelling at people, like just showing up at their office, house or via email and just start ragging on every single thing that I cannot control and want to be able to. I want to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I have already started by skipping pilates, auditions and meals.

It has been a very, very long time since I stood crying in the shower. I know you all know, that overwhelming, spinning sense of utter confusion at what to do next. Should I scream? Should I rinse my hair? Should I lay down?

It has been an even longer time since I thought about laying down on the floor and not getting up for days, because I might feel better in days. I know I am supposed to rejoice in all of the many blessings the universe has given me and the people I love, but if those blessings make it impossible to see your best friend, or the guy you love, are they even blessings? We are living as totally successful loners. Although, at this point I am more of the barely getting by loner. We have "the life" the big wigs, the vip passes and the names to drop but when does being busy and making your dreams come true become a curse? Why do we work so hard so we can have nice houses, cars and meals (I have none of those yet), if we never actually get to enjoy any of it. Swoon planted an entire garden for me a few weeks ago and I have been outside to see it 4 times.

every single fiber of my being wants to run very far away today.

But I can't move to greenland, lay on the floor or throw rocks at peoples houses.
Because that isn't what a fighter does. and WE, you and me, we are fighters. We are the good guys, we are supposed to win.

so, I'm gonna get up off this floor and I'm gonna do exactly what I said I would, and I'm gonna do it better than anyone else could. If I have to cry my eyes out every single day until something makes sense, I guess I am going to have to do that to. I am so sorry I haven't been better at connecting and inspiring you lately. I honestly, am just having such a hard time inspiring myself to keep going, that I don't have any extra inspiration left for you. Please forgive me. Please get up off the floor and fight with me, because I can't do this alone.

We can't give up.
I won't let you, if you don't let me.

guest blogger: Gretchen McCutchoen

Everyday: Makeup, hair, fancy outifits. You know what I did today? I wore no makeup, I didn’t touch my hair, and I wore old sweats. It was like a glamour detox. Today, I felt perfectly happy in my own skin. (Even if it does have a few blemishes here and there!)

Sure I like that “fashion” stuff sometimes, but girls wear it to put on a facade it seems; to cover up who they are and the way they were born. They depend wearing on five pounds of foundation, 2hours worth of frying their hair with a flat iron, and the latest clothing trends before they can step out the door. A couple years ago I was like that too. I wouldn’t even go the grocery store without spending an hour primping beforehand! But this year, I realized that people who are even worth my affection, would like me for who I am on the inside, rather than the mask I wear on the outside. If someone only likes you for the way you look or the clothes you wear, NEWS FLASH: they don’t really like you. Remember the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast? Belle loved the beast because he turned out to be a wonderful person on the inside, no matter how menacing his looks were.

As it has been clearly established, I’m the world’s most hopeless romantic. The girls on tv and in the movies all look perfect, thin, and modelesque, and the boy always falls in love with the beautiful girl. Of course I want to be that beautiful girl that Prince Charming falls head-over-heels for. I’ve tried ALL the latest makeup tricks, new hairstyles, different clothes, losing weight, and anything that might make me more “beautiful”. However, every Prince Charming has a different vision for his princess, and every princess has a different vision for her Prince. Think about it, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, they will see you and love you even at your very worst and STILL think you’re perfect. I stopped trying to change who I was. I embraced what I wanted to wear, what I decided to eat, and what I considered beautiful. No need to try to be like everyone else. I was made the way I am for a reason, and so were you.

Try it, take off all the makeup. Don’t worry about your gorgeous locks. Wear whatever you want to, and Smile. Just detox yourself from any insecurities, worries, or self-hate. Try it. Brown hair, brown eyes, not skinny, and not modelesque, yet perfectly imperfect. It really opened my eyes up to what is really “beautiful” and that is being ME.
Inspiration of the day: “Remember all those days we spent trying to fit in with the cool kids? Look again, we are the cool kids.” ~from Keltie Colleen’s blog “High Kicks and High Hopes”

Head on over to BUZZNET.com + enter my little contest. In the spirit of PROM I am giving away a dress from Bestey Johnson! The directions are over on buzznet but all you have to do is leave a comment saying the BEST EVER line to get someone to go to prom with you...

ie. "I am bendy, wanna go to prom?"

so... Go! Play! Join! Shop! Anyone can enter + it ends of Wed!

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

I remember once being so heartbroken I couldn't get out of bed. More than once. When I look back at what I have learned about love, it really boils down to the fact that I never really loved myself. It seems pretty silly right? For a very long time, I very openly blamed a whole handful of other humans for the fact that they couldn't love me right. Although those people are not all together innocent, most of the blame landed on me. I came from a world of dance where perfection could never be reached. I would spend numerous hours each day of my life growing up picking myself apart in floor to ceiling mirrors. I've been pretty cruel to myself over the years. It is no wonder then, that I easily connected with other people who also were pretty cruel to me. It felt really right. I started to fight for recognition in my career and my relationships the same way, by pretending that everything was fine and never letting anyone see me cry. I could barely take care of myself, but I found it helpful to my heart to attempt to take care of others, almost obsessively.

I spend two years alone, working on my heart and out of the awesome abiss came swoon. I have never met a better human, or a better man. I get to spend my days with my best friend and someone I admire and look up to (and also, have to look up to, see video!)

It's May, and that calls for a home movie. I hope that you like it and feel inspired to find you own swoon one day...

I know you don't want to read about happiness.

Happiness to anyone who isn't happy is likely vomit inducing. It was to me for a very long time. Lately I have found it both confusing and disappointing that it is far more artistic and interesting to be seriously depressed, than it is to be happy. So many good sad songs. I could search for images + quotes of desperation for hours, everything about happiness is in the shape of a daisy. boring.

Real happiness isn't like that. It isn't a sun shining, or a flower growing. Most likely, if you are like me, your tomato plant will be dying while you are your happiest. I think we live in a universe that is so challenging for us that when happiness or some sort of peace is upon us we spend those fleeting moments is complete fear of that happiness. I think I am happy! AHHHHHHH!!!! Hold on tight.

I kinda feel like, WHO DO I THINK I AM? Taking meetings with bigwigs, having them duel over who gets to play in my sandbox, being whisked away to the desert by a devilishly handsome swoon, daily letters of adoration from readers, a full jar of peanut butter, friends who have the mature ability to be both jealous of me, and happy for me at the same time (a quality I am not sure I possess), in the last 2 months having a little piece of my art be believed in by a swanky, high-powered manager who also happens to be slightly OCD and impatient like me, and a few bucks in my pocket.

My first instinct is always that at my next turn someone will find out that I am completely untalented fraud and that all of this will turn to dust, and I will be all alone again. I have to work hard everyday to love myself the way others seem to love me, it's nearly impossible. Having to walk into a room and explain the inner workings of my heart to strangers is close to hell for me. I get so stupidly nervous when i have to be myself. Why? because there is some gnarly ugly stuff inside me, and I've been able to hide behind that for nearly a decade in my dance career. Getting to walk in a room, smile, and dance around without really having to get to know anyone, or let anyone into my soul was a very safe choice. Smile. Tittie pop. get out.

With that safe choice, I have created a whole collection of pretty forgettable pieces of art. A few youtube videos, a collection of times I was the Blondie behind, beside and in front of a such-in-such star, some kicks where it was my job to blend in and be completely un-noticed. Now I am in a place where I am purging my entire soul into my work, in a very scary environment, and I am learning to be fearless with my words. Because I have been given to opportunity to create something timeless, inspiring and something that might inspire you, your friends, or even your kids to follow their dreams and be better, stronger, kinder humans. That is a job I do not take lightly.

I am not sure why i wrote this today. I guess I kinda wanted you to look at your goals and dreams and to not be so upset when they take a different twist + turn then you had planned (maybe since you were 9 like me). The universe knows where you belong, who you belong with, and what you are meant to create in your lifetime. You can be like me and fight that for many, many years...or you can close your eyes and absorb what the universe is trying to tell you.

No one ever wrote me a letter telling me how much my dancing changed their lives. I am pretty sure their are dancers out there who do receive those letters. I do however, on a daily basis receive letters about how these little words, and my little book have inspired you all to be better, live inspired and be careful with your hearts.

That's all the sign I need.
What is the universe trying to tell YOU?

Hey guys,
I know it is guest blogging month, so I haven't been writing a ton but I felt compelled to write a little today.

A few years ago I laid in my bed in Queens crying my eyes out feeling the lowest of lows and seriously contemplating going downstairs and drinking the bottle of bleach under my sink. I felt like there was no reason to go on, and that the world was always going to be this muddled, backwards, non-karmic nightmare.

So, I started writing. You started reading. I fell and in and out of love. In and out of hate with myself. But most of what you were reading was a daily letter to myself to KEEP GOING. I am so happy it inspired you and touched you, but mostly I am so glad that I didn't drink the bleach that day, or any of the other days afterwards I have wanted to.

Sometimes I wish that when we were born we were given a map so that we could be semi-informed of where life's twists and turns might take us. I think it might be easier to navigate if we at least had a hint of where we might end up.


I just wanted to say, please do not give up. It is really easy to think that happiness and success and love look exactly like we pictured at 6 years old after watching wonder years re-runs, but I think real success isn't about bmw's or fancy shoes. Success to me is creating art with integrity and being able to pay my rent. I used to think that happiness existed inside the "cool" people or certainly inside of rooms that I was never being invited into, but I have figured out that happiness comes when you actually like yourself. Liking myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn.

And love, ah love. Love isn't a lovesong, or a picture that looks sweet, or a million people ooohhhing and ahhhhing over how cute you are together. Love is when someone stays up all night with you to help you practice being yourself, because you are so bad at letting people see the "real" you, that you actually have to prepare in order to speak about yourself.

Staying true to who you are and not letting the million pieces of who you should be that the universe throws at our eyes is one of the biggest challenges of our generation. I am so glad that we are all here together figuring out how to do that.