Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I know you don't want to read about happiness.

Happiness to anyone who isn't happy is likely vomit inducing. It was to me for a very long time. Lately I have found it both confusing and disappointing that it is far more artistic and interesting to be seriously depressed, than it is to be happy. So many good sad songs. I could search for images + quotes of desperation for hours, everything about happiness is in the shape of a daisy. boring.

Real happiness isn't like that. It isn't a sun shining, or a flower growing. Most likely, if you are like me, your tomato plant will be dying while you are your happiest. I think we live in a universe that is so challenging for us that when happiness or some sort of peace is upon us we spend those fleeting moments is complete fear of that happiness. I think I am happy! AHHHHHHH!!!! Hold on tight.

I kinda feel like, WHO DO I THINK I AM? Taking meetings with bigwigs, having them duel over who gets to play in my sandbox, being whisked away to the desert by a devilishly handsome swoon, daily letters of adoration from readers, a full jar of peanut butter, friends who have the mature ability to be both jealous of me, and happy for me at the same time (a quality I am not sure I possess), in the last 2 months having a little piece of my art be believed in by a swanky, high-powered manager who also happens to be slightly OCD and impatient like me, and a few bucks in my pocket.

My first instinct is always that at my next turn someone will find out that I am completely untalented fraud and that all of this will turn to dust, and I will be all alone again. I have to work hard everyday to love myself the way others seem to love me, it's nearly impossible. Having to walk into a room and explain the inner workings of my heart to strangers is close to hell for me. I get so stupidly nervous when i have to be myself. Why? because there is some gnarly ugly stuff inside me, and I've been able to hide behind that for nearly a decade in my dance career. Getting to walk in a room, smile, and dance around without really having to get to know anyone, or let anyone into my soul was a very safe choice. Smile. Tittie pop. get out.

With that safe choice, I have created a whole collection of pretty forgettable pieces of art. A few youtube videos, a collection of times I was the Blondie behind, beside and in front of a such-in-such star, some kicks where it was my job to blend in and be completely un-noticed. Now I am in a place where I am purging my entire soul into my work, in a very scary environment, and I am learning to be fearless with my words. Because I have been given to opportunity to create something timeless, inspiring and something that might inspire you, your friends, or even your kids to follow their dreams and be better, stronger, kinder humans. That is a job I do not take lightly.

I am not sure why i wrote this today. I guess I kinda wanted you to look at your goals and dreams and to not be so upset when they take a different twist + turn then you had planned (maybe since you were 9 like me). The universe knows where you belong, who you belong with, and what you are meant to create in your lifetime. You can be like me and fight that for many, many years...or you can close your eyes and absorb what the universe is trying to tell you.

No one ever wrote me a letter telling me how much my dancing changed their lives. I am pretty sure their are dancers out there who do receive those letters. I do however, on a daily basis receive letters about how these little words, and my little book have inspired you all to be better, live inspired and be careful with your hearts.

That's all the sign I need.
What is the universe trying to tell YOU?