Wednesday, November 23, 2011

depression is a beast.

When I was in 11th grade, an a week away from an ultra important ballet exam, the pressure got to me and I had a major meltdown. I had been eating only golden delicious apples for a week in preparation of the exam, and at some point the world got to much for me and I decided that hiding under the giant purple desk at my dance studio and crying was the best option.

That is my first memory of dealing with depression. It sneaks up on me.

A friend found me and it was the first time I went to see a doctor about my feelings. Over the years I have been to many and I suffer from a condition called PMDD. Sounds lame, but somewhere inside my chemical make-up my feelings are directly linked to my hormones. So, being a girl and having a 28 day cycle of hormones, my body doesn’t do very well when some of those hormone levels are high or low. I take medicine for this, and have for years, and I never told ANYONE, because I so embarrassed. Swoon was the first boy I ever told, and he’s been so amazing and supportive. I know this sounds really weird but somedays I wish I was just missing an arm, or something, then I could say- see look! This is why I am hurting. When it’s a condition inside your brain, you are always mixed with a hundred people and naysayers saying that it doesn’t exist.

I can live 40-50 perfectly happy days and then fall into a week of dark, hopeless days. I feel very embarrassed about my struggle with depression, and I never really talk about it, but I could assume that some of my up’s and down’s are why people say I am crazy. I’m not crazy, but I can fall into staggering lows if I let myself. Last week, I had a day where I turned off my computer, and phone and sat looking out the window for almost 10 hours. I just sat there. I had a million questions for the universe and I was pissed. At 5 pm swoon called me and I was crying so hard, he came home early from work. I swear, he thought I was dying. I kinda wished I was. That’s how low it gets.

In the midst of my darkest days, I feel like I might never recover. That I might not ever feel okay again, eventually, I do. But, inside of it all, I struggle. Do you know what I mean? And you feel a little silly right? Who am I to complain? There are starving children and people without a cent and with cancer and war heroes, and THOSE people have the right to be sad! Not us! I hope that this blog today opens up a good conversation about depression, and how it can happen to anyone. I also want to know that I accept fully that this is a condition that my brain has given me, and not something I brought on myself, and that it is not ANY of our faults when we feel this way.

I wanted to write this blog because I wanted to be honest, and I wondered if any of you have ever felt this way, or dealt with any form of depression. I put some of my symptoms in this gallery, and I hope you will take a look.

Just remember, you are never alone, and if no one if your world gets it- I do.

ps. I hope you click through and look at my gallery, and that you find some comfort in knowing someone out there struggles too. :)