Thursday, May 5, 2011

crying is okay here.

everything single fiber of my being wants to give up today.

In my head within the last hour I made plans to take what is left of my savings and buy a one way ticket to Paris, prince rupert or Greenland and become a starbucks barista. I have made plans to drive my shitty suv off the edge of the highway because I am pretty sure the relief that I am aching for could come from the smash of all of me + all of my car. I have decided to start yelling at people, like just showing up at their office, house or via email and just start ragging on every single thing that I cannot control and want to be able to. I want to skip work, skip brushing my teeth and skip being polite. I have already started by skipping pilates, auditions and meals.

It has been a very, very long time since I stood crying in the shower. I know you all know, that overwhelming, spinning sense of utter confusion at what to do next. Should I scream? Should I rinse my hair? Should I lay down?

It has been an even longer time since I thought about laying down on the floor and not getting up for days, because I might feel better in days. I know I am supposed to rejoice in all of the many blessings the universe has given me and the people I love, but if those blessings make it impossible to see your best friend, or the guy you love, are they even blessings? We are living as totally successful loners. Although, at this point I am more of the barely getting by loner. We have "the life" the big wigs, the vip passes and the names to drop but when does being busy and making your dreams come true become a curse? Why do we work so hard so we can have nice houses, cars and meals (I have none of those yet), if we never actually get to enjoy any of it. Swoon planted an entire garden for me a few weeks ago and I have been outside to see it 4 times.

every single fiber of my being wants to run very far away today.

But I can't move to greenland, lay on the floor or throw rocks at peoples houses.
Because that isn't what a fighter does. and WE, you and me, we are fighters. We are the good guys, we are supposed to win.

so, I'm gonna get up off this floor and I'm gonna do exactly what I said I would, and I'm gonna do it better than anyone else could. If I have to cry my eyes out every single day until something makes sense, I guess I am going to have to do that to. I am so sorry I haven't been better at connecting and inspiring you lately. I honestly, am just having such a hard time inspiring myself to keep going, that I don't have any extra inspiration left for you. Please forgive me. Please get up off the floor and fight with me, because I can't do this alone.

We can't give up.
I won't let you, if you don't let me.