Thursday, April 30, 2009

I don't have much to say.

Last night I watched the sun rise over a face instead of the sky. I laid on my couch and had some of the best conversation of my life until 7 am. For the first time in a really, really long time- something made sense. It was clear what I was ment to do and be. Hours later it is shady again, of course.

I was told last night that I was really good on the inside, and really good on the outside. Which is rare. I really felt like that was true. I had this moment of feeling like I was EXACTLY at the right place at the right time. It was surreal.

I am however, not good on the inside. I can lie. I have. I can hurt. I have. I can take someone forgranted in the exact way in which I have been taken. It is just when you are on the under side of this hurt you are the victim and it is all you think about, and feel- that pain. But when you are on the top of that hurt, there is some way in your head you can rationalize your malicious intent.

I know exactly what it must have felt like to have the best standing right in front of you and not be able to realize it. Know that they would never hurt you. Never leave you. Never put anything above you. And want to feel it so bad. Want to feel that it is the right thing, play along as if you could trick your heart into being smart and wanting only this goodness. I know what it must have felt like to really care about someone so much, want only the best for them, and yet in the back of your head know that there was no possible way it was going to be forever. I wonder what it is about us humans that we can never pick the choice that would be best for us. I wonder why apologies always come long after they are actually wanted. I wonder what it is about me that says, treat me badly, then like a few years later come tell me how awesome I am. Last night we talked about humans just being animals with a god complex. That makes me sad. I want to think that life is all magic and myth and movie musical soundtracks. Perhaps, it isn't though and maybe we are all animals.

Maybe I am a beast after all.