Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Finally some time to really write.

Someone said something to me yesterday that I have not been able to stop thinking about. They said " girls, being vunerable is so atrractive." I wonder if this is my problem. In the past I never allowed anyone I was dating to ever see my fears, insecurities and emotions unless they were happy, strong and confident. Many times I did not feel that way but I was under the assumption that I needed to be confident and not like a whiny scared chicken. It is funny I guess. I have had a couple of girlfriends get the "I just don't want a girlfriend right now" kiss off in the past year. These were strong, assertive women who had their own awesome careers, lives and futures. Only weeks later is seems these guys DID want girlfriends, but the girlfriends they wanted were girls who had nothing better to do then to follow them around, say yes to everything and live THEIR lives.

Maybe I scare people, maybe the fact that I do not want to FOLLOW anyone around makes me unattractive. Maybe the fact that I can take care of myself and at the same time take care of others is unattractive. Maybe the fact that I have my own money, career, life, agent, clothing line, company scares people. Maybe the fact that it is rare for me to need help makes me ugly. Maybe I make men not feel like men because their role becomes sidekick lover and not leader. Maybe on the dancefloor I always try to lead the salsa.

I just wonder sometimes, why, why WHY someone wouldn't want a beautiful, fun, successful, sweet, has her shit together kind of girl? Why am I working so hard on being GOOD and ENLIGHTENED if the guys always seem to want the girls who are just strolling through life without purpose. Seems backwards. Although I wouldn't expect anything less from the complicated species of male.

I've been through alot the last week, lots of press, rehearsals, my mommy came to visit, and we are just a few days away from opening night. Each day is an emotional roller coaster. I've been working really hard on my new website, and shirts from Sugar and Bruno. I've had some fun too. We went out and did some party time this week also. Weird to be wearing a mic the whole time through life, but I really think our tv show will be cool and give the public a look behind some real people instead of that fake hills crap. These are people who are artists, without trust funds, and BMWs, just living, creating and working. There is no script, just film :)

What a jagged little pill.