Friday, April 24, 2009

a big cup of tea.

Good evening world,

Hobo and I just snuggled up on the couch with a huge mug of tea and a snuggie (yes I own, and use my snuggie).

Today was some insaneness, and a great show. Jermaine Dupri and Tabitha + Napolean were in the crowd tonight which was cool. Sadly no Janet. I have been so busy I have had little to zero time to think. I do most of my thinking in my car. I prefer to do my thinking wrapped in a snuggie, so here I am thinking. Spagatti left me our journal (we have passed back and forth a journal for almost 10 years) and I got to reading some entries from way back. I found something I wrote many. many years ago and rings true today, also sadly.

Tonight, I am holding in my heart.
I pursed my lips tight so that a million blames and reasons wouldn't cry out.
I was not looking for an explanation so I left before you gave me one.
I was no longer craving any of your time so I left before I got my fill.
I was not looking into your eyes, I was looking past them into the reflection of what I thought I saw and what was actually there.
What everyone else thought you were then, and the fact that I got caught up and believed them-
instead of seeing the you that you are, instead of the you that even you fooled yourself into believing you were.
It feels so good to shine.
It lightened my heavy heart .
You like to tell me ' you are just not that guy...'
and I liked for once, that instead of wishing I could change you, I could finish the sentence for you.
"you are just not that guy that I thought you were"
and for once I am not allowing myself to be dissapointed.

I wrote this after I got dumped by my very first musician boyfriend many, many years ago. I saw him months later and I remember him being more excited to go out and sign autographs for fans than he was to spend a few hours with me and I came home and wrote this. I remember feeling like I would never find anyone that I liked more. That I would never find anyone as artsy and interesting ever again. I remember feeling like he would go on with his million dollar record contract and tour the world and I would never be able to get over him because I could never top that. I could never be better than him. I remember feeling really sad, for a really long time. I also remember him calling me up a year after we broke up and telling me that he was going to marry me one day and that he had been all around the world and that I was one in a million. I also remember him getting dropped by his label shortly after that. I also remember realizing that being "better" is only really judged on your humanity score. Things, belongings, money, fame, and that whole lifestyle is so fleeting, and the only thing that really counts is how good of a human you are, and how much love and compassion you posses. Think of who might be on the cover of US weekly if these were the things is which made us famous and adored? ~Hugh Jackman gave my friend (and boy from oz costar) 30,000 when her families house was ruined in Hurricane Katrina and never got an ounce of publicity for it. amazing.

Anyways, maybe I am a really good trainer of men. I think I have shaped some boys into pretty great lovers. I've taught a few guys how to love, maybe by them being with me, or being without me afterwards. I think I have made some guys that are gonna be pretty cool boyfriends and husbands one day to some girl. I taught them about flowers, I would like to stop being the trainer please. I would like a prepackaged superman to show up already trained in being a good human and a great lover. (Do they sell them in the skymall?).

I've been feeling low because I have had so many AMAZING things happen to me lately and no one to be proud of me. Of course, I am being stupid and I have a zillion people that are so proud of me. I suppose getting opening night flowers from your dad should feel just as great as it does from your boyfriend, but I couldn't help but be maybe slightly sad for maybe 5 seconds this week when I was one of 2 single girls without there guys at the party. I do not mind being alone. I am happy I think. Regardless of the bullshit my boyfriends have served me over the years, there was always something special about hearing "I am so proud of you" from the mouth of someone you thought was equally as special. This past January I was in Hawaii and I met a really cool older couple who asked me what I was planning on doing with my life. My answer to them was " Well, I want it all, I want to be the best dancer, a really famous choreographer that EVERY artist wants to work with, have an entire empire of dancewear, DVDs, books and help for young dancers, I want to inspire the next generation of dancers and humans, I want to write a book, be on tv, I want to be the "it" girl of dance." It was easy for me to answer that question because I think about it every single day. I think there was a good chance that the people at that table that beautiful night did not believe that I was capable of doing those things. Maybe I was so busy defending myself to strangers, or helping others that I never really focused enough to make others believe that I would, and WILL make all of this happen. I guess it feels weird for most of these things to be coming true, only a few months later and the people that I shared all these dreams with for so long are not around to tell me that they are proud. It is sad when you spend years dreaming your dreams together and then you find yourself dreaming alone. Well, I guess in the end. I am damn proud of myself. I have risen above adversity and odds to define myself.

I think one of the biggest lessons we can teach ourselves is to find acceptance within ourselves. It is easy to look outward for acceptance and love. This is one of my biggest flaws. I rarely consider something achieved unless I can show it off. Maybe when great things happen to us, or better yet, we create great things it should be enough that inside our souls and minds we know we did something amazing. Let me know if anyone feels like this is possible. I am not so sure. Is it just us showpeople that have our self worth determined by others opinions of us? Or is it everyone?

Or worse? Is it just me?