Sunday, July 12, 2009

welcome to: pick yourself off the floor

Amy Dunn sent me this today, it is this summers DEX girl ad. Pretty scandalous but I guess it really shows off the self-tanner I am trying to sell! I got to see Amy this weekend and she is just rocking and taking the NYC by storm. So sweet.

Lucky me is laying the most amazing hotel room somewhere in IL. The had a doggy greet me at the front desk. This is my kind of place. I miss Hobo. I wonder what she is doing?

This morning I was driving in a taxi through soho and the east village and I started to cry, tears of complete happiness. Being back in NYC was like coming home to the way your childhood house smelled at christmas. I feel like, in the past 6 months I have been living in a little bubble. The only things inside this bubble were me, my feelings and my job. I think it made me feel worse, and feel sadder because I didn't have my city, my friends, my dance spaces, my favorite tea places, my streets, inspiring sights to light up my heart. I just had a 7 oclock call each night and 11 hours prior to that to think, think, think. I like to think I used my time for work, clothing, dvds and fun writings but honestly, I laid in bed and felt sorry for myself alot. Cried myself to sleep alot. Cried to my friends alot. I just was not myself.

I can honestly 100 percent say that my heart is healed, lifted and inspired. I think it was really important for me to spend this time alone, finding myself and finding out what it is I really want. You know when people say everything happens for a reason? it really does.

I had an amazing conversation with a friend of mine and he said to me that he was really scared of me. I said that I get that alot because I am such a workaholic and have so much going on and am so super independent. He corrected me and talked about how he just was worried and knew that he has to be very careful with me and there was alot of pressure on him because if he messes up or hurts me, well, he was sure that it just would ruin me and my heart. He said that he just wants to prove to me that it is possible for me to have the fairy tale and to be treated the way I deserve. I think my heart melted. What a wonderful thing to hear. I think it is really easy to say those things, and much much harder to actually do them. But I am being really open and honest about my issues with trust and admit to the world that I am scared, freaked and I am not sure how many more cracks my heart can survive. I want the fairytale. We all do. I am just not sure I am ever going to be able to let anyone in enough again to get to that. Time, I suppose and alot of good talks. I left a note of my besties door today that says, you are not alone, you are available for someone outstanding. I think we all need these signs. I had one on my dressing room spot that says " there is a guy out there who is going to be really happy you didn't get back with your crappy ex-boyfriend". so true. We are so scared to be alone, but being alone for me was the time of the greatest learning and growth, it is so easy to run into someone arms so you never have to be alone. For me being alone sucked, I was sad but I am so happy I went through it. I feel so strong. I am gonna do some pushups.

Okay, finished my pushups...Tommorrow morning I get to teach with the AMAZING Lacey Schwimmer who is cool enough to have 2 cell phones. One for her friends and one for her work. My new goal is to have so many friends and so much work that I need two phones. I also want to have a portable craft closet and be able to fit hobo into my back pocket so she can come everywhere with me all the time. I am so excited to see what Lacey is gonna do...and to shoot our commercial tommorrow night. I think I wanna rock a fauzhawk. I know I wanna rock my body.

Hopefully I'll have vids up of my work tommorrow- is anyone else really, really excited for SYTYCD this week? I am.