Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Goodbye Hobo.

"Oh honey, you will find a better man, but you will never find a better dog."- my mom.

2 years ago a very unexpected litrle doggie made it way into my life. I can remember getting a phonecall while I was in Canada and the voice on the other end said " I am gonna get a dog today". My response was "that is a very bad idea." This was a boy who would invite me to a house with no hot water because he forgot to pay the bills. We lived lives where we never knew where we might be, where we would live and what was next. He was lonely. I was rational. Somewhere in between I became a doggie mommy. I met Hobo in LA at Pete's beautiful Hollywood Hills side bachelor pad his girlfriend Ashlee had noticed Hobo has run out of food and began looking after her. The entire basement smelled like Hobo. She was impossible to train. Her daddy would have to leave her along for hours on end while he sat in recording studios banging away, and to this day the only thing Hobo is afraid of is thunder.

Very shorty, we realized that we were in over our heads. Hobo moved out to Las Vegas with us.I thought it was a good idea if we sent Hobo to puppy training. She spent 6 weeks away with the best dog trainer in Vegas and was promised to come back to us ready to heal, sit, stay and do tricks! She came back and the trainer said to us " Hobo is untrainable" and left. We would put her in the crate, and 5 minutes after she would sit there with her giant puppy dog eyes, we would end up pulling her out and inbetween us in the middle of the night. Hobo would sit outside in the backyard with Jon and her dad and eat crickets right out of the sky. Hobo smelled like puppy until after her first birthday. We moved, renovated and inbetween picking out colours for the walls, fabric for the curtains and watching my dream wooden bookcase be constructed Hobo learned how to eat wooden staircases. Hobo learned to Eat Dior. Hobo learned to run up and down the hallways of the apartment complex night after night her tail wagging so big and her big velvet ears flapping in the air. Her daddy and I found ourselves in tours, working and she lived at a million houses (I owe my friends BIG TIME) We were the farthest thing from good parents. It was clear that he was in no way ready for the puppy and shortly after I baked Hobo birthday cupcakes, we decided that I would bring her back to my apartment in New York City. I did. Hobo loved NYC. We would walk along the west side highway and watch the sunset each day. I was in love with having her with me.

The fall came and we decided that since we would both be on tour that the best thing to do was have Hobo spend the winter with my family in Canada. She learned about snow, and winter and got really, really fat. (It's cold there!) My mom sent us pics of her dressed up for xmas and we photoshopped her onto our xmas card. I loved our family.

I went to go pick up Hobo at the end of my Rockette contract this January. She came back to Vegas with us and we were all together again. It was wonderful.

When I left the only thing I took was my wallet and my Hobo. I ran out so fast I forgot to put the leash on her and she thought we were just running around the hallways for fun again. We had nowhere to go. We drove around the highways until one of our friends answered their phone and I went there. For the week afterwards, uprooted from everything we knew and completely heartbroken Hobo slept on my chest. I would wake up in the morning and she would literally be laying across my chest sound asleep on my heart. There were so many mornings I would wake up crying and just lay, and cry in bed and Hobo would sit beside me and lick my hands, face and tears. I would take Hobo for walks around the neighbourhood at night and remind myself to look up at the sky and that, yes I was still alive. I felt dead. I had no idea why I was here, in Las Vegas, completely homeless, and heartbroken. Every single day from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep Hobo followed me. She was waiting by the door when I got home from work, and waiting beside me when I woke up. I went to the kitchen to eat, so did Hobo. I had to pee, Hobo came along. I would be typing on this very computer and she would come and paw at my hands and demand that I stop and give her kisses for a minute. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed and have complete conversations with Hobo. I would explain to her that I was confused. I would explain to her that I was wounded. I would explain to her that it hurt so badly because I knew her daddy didn't miss us.

Each night after work I started dragging myself to the dogpark by the house I was staying at. I would stay there for 3 hours. I got asked on ALOT of dates. I always said no. I met alot of dogs, one circ gymnast, and 2 panic at the disco fans. I would let Hobo run around until my heart stopped hurting. Sometimes it did. Mostly it didn't. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I called a friend and tried to pretend I was doing okay. Hobo mimicked each and every movement of my heart, on our best days she would run free following groups of doggies all over the park at full speed. On our worst days Hobo would not leave my grasp and sit all 18 pounds of her on my lap and stare at me and my pathetic mess of a self.

One day Hobo and I went to the doggy park and her dad stopped by to say hi. He brought her some treats. We talked and talked and I said, that I did not believe that this was it. He told me that he didn't want me to date anyone else, but he didn't want to be with me. That one day he would regret this because he knew how perfect I was. I cried alot. He cried alot. Hobo went sniffing far away so that we could try to make some peace. I talked about how all of my dreams were coming true, showed off my DS cover! Told him that had gotten signed to my own clothing line! and none of it seemed to matter. I only wanted our family to be togther again...I had always said to her daddy that all I really wanted to be in life was adored. I felt like I had created this really special being, and that I just wanted to be with someone who woke up everyday and though "How did I get SO lucky that someone like Keltie wants to be with me!" That is all we really want isn't it? It is certainly what we all deserve.

That night as I was leaving the doggie park with Hobo beside me I asked to be left alone. I asked that he not contact me, or confuse me. He has honored this wish and I appreciate that. We saw him when he came to town to support us and see my show, and have a sleepover with Hobo. It sucks to have someone you care about tell you one thing to your face, like, that he's having a really hard time moving on, and then, turn around and parade new lookalike girl all over town. It's hard to want the best for someone who obviously only wants hurt for me.

Regardless...Hobo and I moved, we created a clothing line, we found our friend Albie and pooped many many times of his bathroom rug (Hobo not me!), we ran the blocks between maryland parkway and flamingo, we laughed together, we snuck into peepshow, a cried together and we hiked the beautiful mountains in Las Vegas together. Eventually, my heart hurt less and less and Hobo started to weigh less and less! We smiled when we woke up in the morning, and we sat together and watched all out dreams come true...Hobo found her love for nylabones and I learned to live alone for the first time in my life. It is well documented that this has been an eventful few months for me. I made no attempt to be classy or silent about my heartbreak. I was really honest each and everyday. Some people get to write songs, some people get to paint and I get to write and dance. I would have never survived without my pup. I never knew that I could love THIS much. Sometimes I put her fur in my hands and smell it and want to hug her until her bones squish because that is how much love I have for her. I know what love feels like, and maybe, for me, I won't ever have that great love of my life like the romance movies show us. Maybe I am ment to be a fearless girl all alone. I think that with my busy schedule, career, and plate that maybe I am unlovable.

Hobo was supposed to be a 7 pound minibeagle who would ride around with her rocker daddy on the tour bus. Somehow she ended up being my sidekick in life and my best friend. Gone are the days when I wake up crying and she has to lick my tears. I wake up and am treated to all the things I never had before. Someone to really adore me. My own house and the feeling that it is not so scary to be alone in it. Peace with her daddy. The realization that Karma exists. When I was 21 I was an idiot. I messed up so many times you couldn't count them on all of my fingers and all of Hobo's claws. We all make mistakes. We are all just finding ourselves. I think the hard part is trying to learn all these lessons without hurting anyone else too badly. Maybe that didn't happen this time, but I know you'll never read this, but thanks for agreeing that it was best that Hobo be with me. I know you don't miss me, but I can only imagine you might miss her.

Hobo has to leave me tommorrow and I am crying my eyes out thinking about my life without her for the next few months. She loves it in Canada but I am not sure how I am going to be without my sidekick. She sleeping on my legs right now and she knows something is up.

Is there anyone else out there like me, who just is madly in love with a doggie? I feel so silly but I can't be the only one.