Saturday, July 25, 2009

If I could be so bold. I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

I love this piece by Travis Wall, I am so excited to see what he does next in the dance world. What a true genius. I feel like he made this for me. That is my favorite kind of dance, when it expresses something that I cannot seem to do with words. Everything the locket, the catch and release, the push and pull of a boy and a girl. I think they tore a page out of my journal. It is such a scary thing to ask someone to hold your heart, to give them some semblance of responsibility for your feelings. For me, it is an issue of trust and faith, two things that I struggle with to no end. I am a teeter-totter girl. One day I am fine. The nest day I am a mess. I wish I had a better grasp on my heart, but my grasp on everything else is much stronger. I have a wishing heart. I have a foolish heart. I have a fearless heart. I suppose that is much better than having a broken heart!

I quit my job today at Peepshow and gave my notice and my last day as Lil P will be August 25th. This is something I have been waiting to do as most of my unhappiness comes from being outside NYC. I am looking so forward to spending a tiny bit of the fall back where I belong. Vegas has taught me alot about bad fashion, good pools and the importance of staying true to oneself. What a journey. This 6 months has been nothing like I thought it was going to be. I had painted a perfect picture in my mind of my life having it all in one place- that is what life does though isn't it? It surprises us with those twists of fate we never expect. You can never count on your perfect plan because it just doesn't exist. I have felt that the world was ending only to see even greater things in the next sunrise. I am glad I took the time to heal, learn to like myself again, do some great therapy and work on myself for the last 6 months. Being alone is a really important piece of the puzzle. It is so easy to jump into someone else's arms just to not have to be alone. It was a tough little ride there for a minute, and all the minutes picking my heart up off the floor I am, stronger than ever with more will and determination than one girl should have. (hobo agrees! She is sitting here licking my hands as I write!) My heart is ready for something amazing. My mind is ready for the next challenge. My body is ready for my art.

When one door closes another door ALWAYS opens- and we may never know what the grand plan is, but believe me, the universe will give you everything you deserve if you just have faith. Karma is a beautiful thing.