fearless heart #3

Hi. I am Keltie. This is my heart. Thank you for sharing it with me.

"On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.


That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.


That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.


That you control that completely.


That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.


That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.


That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.


That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.


That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.


That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.


And so are you."

-from what should be your daily blog read "Pleasefindthis.blogspot.com".

EDIT:
Lesson learned this week: take the high road, people will follow your lead. Low road filled with low lifes. Be the architect of your life.

Stranded in the aftemath of those who leave and won't come back.

There are men out there who like blondie's.
There are women who like muscles.
I myself, like musicians.

I do not do it on purpose I swear. My brain tells me, stock broker, dentist, 9 to 5'er, Loftiss yells at me each time I come to her and say "I met a boy...he plays music". It is actually funny at this point.I have come to accept the fact that this is one of my beautiful flaws and well, here is hoping 4th times a charm! Sorry Loftiss!

One of my favorite winters, what year was it? 2005? was the one I spent hanging around the east village with my friend, I think we may have dated for a second ;), Wes Hutchinson. My mom still rocks Wes's cd in her car and we are still great friends. Wes is the single best songwriter I have ever met. I have ALWAYS said that. His song "stay till someday" is the only song that has brought me to weeping tears at a show. He writes the most amazing songs. He wrote a couple about me actually, if you have time check out "No need to talk about it" , "All you are" and sadly (eek!) "Down in Flames" of the record of the same title. Wes taught me about god, southern food and all the best places in New York City's lower east side to see live music (some of my favorites Piano's, Rockwood Music Hall, The Bitter End, Joe's Pub). It was such a fun time. We were not right for each other but I love him and his music to this day...Hi Wesley!

Wes wrote this piece and it was never released and it made it into my mind for ART today. I used to be just a successful dancer, I got to dance for big stars, on TV and movies and with famous troupes long before you ever knew who I was. Long before people were wearing my clothes and putting me in magazines I was just this girl, in NYC, auditioning everyday and really happy with my little bitty bite of success. I started this blog because I wanted to inspire, I wanted to share my story and I wanted to let other little chickens sitting in their dance studios Friday night ballet classes to not give up! That they could do what I was doing and that it was exciting and awesome! I felt like I wanted to let people know, if they cared that, I was normal, that I struggled and that all of us who appear to have it all together are far from it. I think this song is perfect for this feeling...

"There was a girl who fell to earth
out of the sky in into the dirt
kissed the world and made it cry
I've never seen such a beautiful hurt.

She was born without a skin
the world lined up and she let them in
everybody took a piece until the day there was nothing left..."




I am not expecting to ever get to a place in life where everything makes sense and everything feels perfect. That place would be so boring to me. I adore the feeling of FEELING, being alive and going through the amazing emotions of life. Some of them are really amazing, and some of them, hurt really bad. But I have never felt more alive than when I am in a studio taking out my frustration, emotion, anger, love on a dance floor. THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR.

"Horizons they are rising, and arriving for us both. So get dressed, take a deep breath and just say YES to the unknown!" - Wes Hutchinson

Tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay.

I must once again clap my hands (perhaps even a thunderclap) at my friend Stacey Tookey. It has turned out that everything amazing this season on SYTYCD is from her. This brought tears to my eyes tonight, and it actually amazes me that such brilliance can come from such a calm, caring, sweet grounded person. Most of the time, the best artists are nutcases and everyone put up with them because they are so talented. Stacey is both talented and sweet. I could gush forever...

Thanks so much for the response to the last blog. I cried my eyes out most of the day and the stories of your sweet puppies and kitties helped warm my heart. As usual I most likely said way too much but life is a story and this is the place I get to tell mine. Thank you for joining me.

Some exciting news on my front: Sabre (So you think you can dances season 3 winner) was spotted rocking my peace.love.dance tshirt at the HUGE dance summit fashion show in NYC this weekend. It was choreographed by Mandy Moore and I am so honored that one of my pieces made it! Also got a call from the Peepshow Documentary crew and looks like the show might air this fall, so that is fun. Also, many of my Rockette friends stopped by the Sugar and Bruno booth at the Pulse in NYC this weekend to pick up some stuff! So cool! I would have loved to take Brian's class. Word on the street is that all my items are now on backorder off the website which is both AMAZING and sad. Hopefully they will be up as soon as possible again. We are looking into doing some sort of give away of Chelsie + My line with some sort of video contest in the near future. That girl is getting ready for another insane season of DWTS so it is a little hard to keep in touch! Is anyone out at Ihollywood in LA this week? Please give Tokyo the biggest bear hug ever. Love that dude.

In other news: I am still on team brandon. Big time.

One more thing. Angel said to me once "girl, if you don't have haters you ain't shit". I certainly have my share. I realize I am not perfect. None of us are, but instead of throwing around words of hurt let's all just tell our stories and grow and collect and dream. There is something to be learned from everything. I wish I had bones in my body for hate and jealousy. I just don't. I never get jealous. Not my style. My good friend Shu-shu (who ALSO happens to be my Rockette roomie this season) said it best. "Sometimes people lash out at everything they are scared to be." So I say this: There is room on this planet for us all to stand together, unite and support eachother. When I meet someone who has something I want it inspires me to work my butt off. When someone does something mean to me it inspires me to not make that same mistake and inflict hurt on anyone else. When I find myself on the verge of knocking someone down because it might make me feel better, I think about how much I could learn if I only stopped to watch them instead. What has happened has happened. I am free to report that. But our reactions and actions to the what the universe puts in front of us is what matters. Sometimes my reactions are lame and generally immature, but other times I surprise myself with my strength. My only goal is to work towards more of these "surprises" and less of these "lames". I am not there yet. I might never be. But the journey, man, this is all so amazing to live through. Thank you for reading, responding and inspiring me each and everyday.

In the words of Sarah Jessica Parker in the greatest dance movie of all time, Girls Just Want to Have fun

"Not everyone needs to warm-up"

she responds:
"YES, THEY DO."

Goodbye Hobo.

"Oh honey, you will find a better man, but you will never find a better dog."- my mom.









2 years ago a very unexpected litrle doggie made it way into my life. I can remember getting a phonecall while I was in Canada and the voice on the other end said " I am gonna get a dog today". My response was "that is a very bad idea." This was a boy who would invite me to a house with no hot water because he forgot to pay the bills. We lived lives where we never knew where we might be, where we would live and what was next. He was lonely. I was rational. Somewhere in between I became a doggie mommy. I met Hobo in LA at Pete's beautiful Hollywood Hills side bachelor pad his girlfriend Ashlee had noticed Hobo has run out of food and began looking after her. The entire basement smelled like Hobo. She was impossible to train. Her daddy would have to leave her along for hours on end while he sat in recording studios banging away, and to this day the only thing Hobo is afraid of is thunder.

Very shorty, we realized that we were in over our heads. Hobo moved out to Las Vegas with us.I thought it was a good idea if we sent Hobo to puppy training. She spent 6 weeks away with the best dog trainer in Vegas and was promised to come back to us ready to heal, sit, stay and do tricks! She came back and the trainer said to us " Hobo is untrainable" and left. We would put her in the crate, and 5 minutes after she would sit there with her giant puppy dog eyes, we would end up pulling her out and inbetween us in the middle of the night. Hobo would sit outside in the backyard with Jon and her dad and eat crickets right out of the sky. Hobo smelled like puppy until after her first birthday. We moved, renovated and inbetween picking out colours for the walls, fabric for the curtains and watching my dream wooden bookcase be constructed Hobo learned how to eat wooden staircases. Hobo learned to Eat Dior. Hobo learned to run up and down the hallways of the apartment complex night after night her tail wagging so big and her big velvet ears flapping in the air. Her daddy and I found ourselves in tours, working and she lived at a million houses (I owe my friends BIG TIME) We were the farthest thing from good parents. It was clear that he was in no way ready for the puppy and shortly after I baked Hobo birthday cupcakes, we decided that I would bring her back to my apartment in New York City. I did. Hobo loved NYC. We would walk along the west side highway and watch the sunset each day. I was in love with having her with me.

The fall came and we decided that since we would both be on tour that the best thing to do was have Hobo spend the winter with my family in Canada. She learned about snow, and winter and got really, really fat. (It's cold there!) My mom sent us pics of her dressed up for xmas and we photoshopped her onto our xmas card. I loved our family.

I went to go pick up Hobo at the end of my Rockette contract this January. She came back to Vegas with us and we were all together again. It was wonderful.

When I left the only thing I took was my wallet and my Hobo. I ran out so fast I forgot to put the leash on her and she thought we were just running around the hallways for fun again. We had nowhere to go. We drove around the highways until one of our friends answered their phone and I went there. For the week afterwards, uprooted from everything we knew and completely heartbroken Hobo slept on my chest. I would wake up in the morning and she would literally be laying across my chest sound asleep on my heart. There were so many mornings I would wake up crying and just lay, and cry in bed and Hobo would sit beside me and lick my hands, face and tears. I would take Hobo for walks around the neighbourhood at night and remind myself to look up at the sky and that, yes I was still alive. I felt dead. I had no idea why I was here, in Las Vegas, completely homeless, and heartbroken. Every single day from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep Hobo followed me. She was waiting by the door when I got home from work, and waiting beside me when I woke up. I went to the kitchen to eat, so did Hobo. I had to pee, Hobo came along. I would be typing on this very computer and she would come and paw at my hands and demand that I stop and give her kisses for a minute. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed and have complete conversations with Hobo. I would explain to her that I was confused. I would explain to her that I was wounded. I would explain to her that it hurt so badly because I knew her daddy didn't miss us.

Each night after work I started dragging myself to the dogpark by the house I was staying at. I would stay there for 3 hours. I got asked on ALOT of dates. I always said no. I met alot of dogs, one circ gymnast, and 2 panic at the disco fans. I would let Hobo run around until my heart stopped hurting. Sometimes it did. Mostly it didn't. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I called a friend and tried to pretend I was doing okay. Hobo mimicked each and every movement of my heart, on our best days she would run free following groups of doggies all over the park at full speed. On our worst days Hobo would not leave my grasp and sit all 18 pounds of her on my lap and stare at me and my pathetic mess of a self.

One day Hobo and I went to the doggy park and her dad stopped by to say hi. He brought her some treats. We talked and talked and I said, that I did not believe that this was it. He told me that he didn't want me to date anyone else, but he didn't want to be with me. That one day he would regret this because he knew how perfect I was. I cried alot. He cried alot. Hobo went sniffing far away so that we could try to make some peace. I talked about how all of my dreams were coming true, showed off my DS cover! Told him that had gotten signed to my own clothing line! and none of it seemed to matter. I only wanted our family to be togther again...I had always said to her daddy that all I really wanted to be in life was adored. I felt like I had created this really special being, and that I just wanted to be with someone who woke up everyday and though "How did I get SO lucky that someone like Keltie wants to be with me!" That is all we really want isn't it? It is certainly what we all deserve.

That night as I was leaving the doggie park with Hobo beside me I asked to be left alone. I asked that he not contact me, or confuse me. He has honored this wish and I appreciate that. We saw him when he came to town to support us and see my show, and have a sleepover with Hobo. It sucks to have someone you care about tell you one thing to your face, like, that he's having a really hard time moving on, and then, turn around and parade new lookalike girl all over town. It's hard to want the best for someone who obviously only wants hurt for me.

Regardless...Hobo and I moved, we created a clothing line, we found our friend Albie and pooped many many times of his bathroom rug (Hobo not me!), we ran the blocks between maryland parkway and flamingo, we laughed together, we snuck into peepshow, a cried together and we hiked the beautiful mountains in Las Vegas together. Eventually, my heart hurt less and less and Hobo started to weigh less and less! We smiled when we woke up in the morning, and we sat together and watched all out dreams come true...Hobo found her love for nylabones and I learned to live alone for the first time in my life. It is well documented that this has been an eventful few months for me. I made no attempt to be classy or silent about my heartbreak. I was really honest each and everyday. Some people get to write songs, some people get to paint and I get to write and dance. I would have never survived without my pup. I never knew that I could love THIS much. Sometimes I put her fur in my hands and smell it and want to hug her until her bones squish because that is how much love I have for her. I know what love feels like, and maybe, for me, I won't ever have that great love of my life like the romance movies show us. Maybe I am ment to be a fearless girl all alone. I think that with my busy schedule, career, and plate that maybe I am unlovable.

Hobo was supposed to be a 7 pound minibeagle who would ride around with her rocker daddy on the tour bus. Somehow she ended up being my sidekick in life and my best friend. Gone are the days when I wake up crying and she has to lick my tears. I wake up and am treated to all the things I never had before. Someone to really adore me. My own house and the feeling that it is not so scary to be alone in it. Peace with her daddy. The realization that Karma exists. When I was 21 I was an idiot. I messed up so many times you couldn't count them on all of my fingers and all of Hobo's claws. We all make mistakes. We are all just finding ourselves. I think the hard part is trying to learn all these lessons without hurting anyone else too badly. Maybe that didn't happen this time, but I know you'll never read this, but thanks for agreeing that it was best that Hobo be with me. I know you don't miss me, but I can only imagine you might miss her.

Hobo has to leave me tommorrow and I am crying my eyes out thinking about my life without her for the next few months. She loves it in Canada but I am not sure how I am going to be without my sidekick. She sleeping on my legs right now and she knows something is up.

Is there anyone else out there like me, who just is madly in love with a doggie? I feel so silly but I can't be the only one.








s

I am still afraid of the dark.

I guess if you look in the urban dictionary under the word "fearless" you see my name in definition #4. I gotta say, if I never create another thing on the planet, never inspire another person, book another job or dance another step...this is enough for me. I was having an amazing convo with some great friends post show about the rise and fall of "fame". I've watched so many people fall from grace in the last few years. I would be lying if I didn't move to NYC with the big city dream of being the next Janet Jackson/Paula Abdul/Sarah Jessica Parker but to be honest, I found myself wishing almost the opposite at this point. I think notoriety is far better than fame. Just think, I have gotten to work with huge huge stars, while they were huge, on big events on tv and in movies, and when the next flash in a pan comes along, hopefully I will dance with them too. But once they fall and fall far down into the dirty world of showbiz, imfamousness, and episodes of the "sureal life" I will still get to do what I love each and everyday, in the coolest places possible. It is almost better to be in the background, I will never be a "has-been". Instead I will always be a "has-been-behind-that person". There are no limits on my success. I really like that. When I screw up (and trust me I do) no one gets to know but me. I kinda get to take the easy way out, only it's hard too.

My point was about being fearless so I shall return to that. If I am going to be known as this I think I should put out into the world that I am infact afraid of many things:

-scorpions
-scary movies
-basements
-bombs and guns
-eels
-losing things I love
-trusting people
-having my heart broken again
-thunder
-sweeney todd
-singing in front of people
-petite allergo



AND if I am going to go down as the fearless one I must go down with my fearless partner in crime Kesha. This girl...I wish I was half as strong and graceful as her. I also wish it was wear my glitter butterfly shirt everyday world but that is another blog... night night...

If I could be so bold. I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

I love this piece by Travis Wall, I am so excited to see what he does next in the dance world. What a true genius. I feel like he made this for me. That is my favorite kind of dance, when it expresses something that I cannot seem to do with words. Everything the locket, the catch and release, the push and pull of a boy and a girl. I think they tore a page out of my journal. It is such a scary thing to ask someone to hold your heart, to give them some semblance of responsibility for your feelings. For me, it is an issue of trust and faith, two things that I struggle with to no end. I am a teeter-totter girl. One day I am fine. The nest day I am a mess. I wish I had a better grasp on my heart, but my grasp on everything else is much stronger. I have a wishing heart. I have a foolish heart. I have a fearless heart. I suppose that is much better than having a broken heart!



I quit my job today at Peepshow and gave my notice and my last day as Lil P will be August 25th. This is something I have been waiting to do as most of my unhappiness comes from being outside NYC. I am looking so forward to spending a tiny bit of the fall back where I belong. Vegas has taught me alot about bad fashion, good pools and the importance of staying true to oneself. What a journey. This 6 months has been nothing like I thought it was going to be. I had painted a perfect picture in my mind of my life having it all in one place- that is what life does though isn't it? It surprises us with those twists of fate we never expect. You can never count on your perfect plan because it just doesn't exist. I have felt that the world was ending only to see even greater things in the next sunrise. I am glad I took the time to heal, learn to like myself again, do some great therapy and work on myself for the last 6 months. Being alone is a really important piece of the puzzle. It is so easy to jump into someone else's arms just to not have to be alone. It was a tough little ride there for a minute, and all the minutes picking my heart up off the floor but...here I am, stronger than ever with more will and determination than one girl should have. (hobo agrees! She is sitting here licking my hands as I write!) My heart is ready for something amazing. My mind is ready for the next challenge. My body is ready for my art.

When one door closes another door ALWAYS opens- and we may never know what the grand plan is, but believe me, the universe will give you everything you deserve if you just have faith. Karma is a beautiful thing.

FULL OUT! FEARLESS!!

Today is the proudest day of my life! Finally after 6 months of work my designs are available! I hope that everyone loves the choices and I am currently working on even more pieces (sweats, bags, hoodies) for winter.

The Fearless tank came from the idea of doing something that everyone could wear. I wanted to make something for dancers and non-dancers alike. The idea came after I went through some crazy struggles all within a short amount of time and I really felt like had hit rock bottom. I read an awesome inspiring email a friend had written me that said " You can't fear the future Keltie. The Future is where are your dreams come true." This was during a time where I was rehearsing each and everyday with Jerry Mitchell and his favorite thing to yell is "FULL OUT!". I adopted the saying "FULL OUT! FEARLESS!". A few days later I got the word fearless tattoo'd on my ring finger. For me this was a turning point. I decided to embrace the unknown, move forward and create a world in which all my dreams come true, and to not fear love, rejection or my own weaknesses. A week later I was signed to Sugar and Bruno and began my work! For the Fearless Heart tank I wanted the font of the word to match my tattoo, and I wanted the heart to look like I had drawn it on myself. The detail within the back design is doodles representing all the fearless things, stars like my tattoos, hearts, flowers (still got that hippie thing) and in the back is my name signed...very small. I wanted this to be printed on an everyday tank, you can wear it to class, or you can rock it with a pair of jeans. This is just a reminder to just be fearless, I am. I have lived one of my worst nightmares right out here in the open for everyone to see, handled it with half the grace I wish I had, but I jumped back into life and love fearlessly. Same goes with auditions, you are gonna get cut 50000 times before you book that dream job. Just be fearless and full out! Everything happens for a reason!


The Peace. Love. Dance. tee came from a place where I wanted to make a hippie t-shirt. I thought this shirt would be white with all kinds of flowers and drawings all over it. The more and more we worked on it the more I loves the idea of doing something bold and bright. All of you told me that you love v-necks and I took your advice! I loved the idea of doing a "dance" t-shirt that was not cheesy and pink. I wanted something even the dopest b-girl would rock. It was only supposed to be printed on the black and during a mistake at the factory we discovered this grey sort of vintage look too! I love them both.



I am sitting here crying with emotion. This year has been the greatest year of my life and it is only JULY! Working in a kickbutt show, filming TWO tv shows, being on the cover of DANCE SPIRIT and inside DANCE MAGAZINE and DANCE TEACHER MAGAZINE, Making the 60% for the rockettes, selling out of mantra cuffs in a week, and meeting the cuties at Sugar and Bruno and them signing me even though I am not on SYTYCD or Dancing with the Stars...they took a big chance and I have worked my butt off to make great designs so that I can make them proud. I really hope you love this gear. Thanks in advance for all your support.

Kelly Monaco once said to me. "It doesn't matter what happened to you, no one cares, they are only watching to see you fall apart afterwards, don't. Use this as a platform to be the most kickass girl in the world."

done? well, in any case I feel like I am well on my way. I owe alot of this strength to you all. You are my lifeline and my vent journals and my inspiration to stay positive. I love each and everyone of you. Whenever I see you on the street I will hug you till you cannot breathe. Thank you for your love, support, tough love, sometimes really honest tough love that I didn't want to hear...but mostly your love and belief that after so many years of relentless hard work I would finally get all the recognition in the world. It feels crazy but it also feels amazing. Now hop on down to www.sugarandbruno.com and check out my signature series page!

It's about that time again.

Good news...the new Xmas Radio City commercial has been made and your truly is all over it. This is good for two reasons: #1- I make lots of money #2- It will constantly remind me how out of shape I am and how IN SHAPE I was last xmas. It's strange to watch this video because so much has changed for me since last season... I can honestly say I was so joyful during all these kicks. I was so oblivious to all the secrets that can be held when someone is far away on the road. I was too busy to notice. There is a great line in a dashboard song that says " road rules apply". I've never applied those rules but I guess they exist and I just never knew. I was so busy laughing, hanging with my sisters and having a blast to notice. It is for the best though! It was a super wonderful part of my life and I have the highest hopes for tour this year, some of the dates are already up on radiocity.com and I cannot wait to do my thing in CANADA this year also.

Can you spot me...Hints... I am downstage in the double line with my back to the camera kicking, an then second from the left in the straight kickline (eeek my right kick is SOOOOO open...NOTE!) and then I am on of those goofy ragdoll running around too!

So excited to get back to this all, and it is only a month and a half until we start up rehearsals...

I walk down another street

watching shane sparks routine tonight on SYTYCD:

"now what would this be called" - mommy

"It's hip hop mom" -me

"oh, I thought thought in order to be hip hop they had to wear baggy pants"- Mommy

I am with Nigel, I feel like this season is super paint drying material. I feel like the ideas are old. The dancers are uninspired. I judge everything by the goosebumps. I didn't get any this week. Sorry. They could most likely beat me out in a ballet class but...I remember nigel coming to peep and talking with me afterwards about the fact that he was not sure he had any superstars this season...I think he was right. It is just okay.
Team Brandon though. Should I craft a t-shirt?

Since we all need to be inspired I thought I would post this. If this doesn't make you feel tiny and want to do more for the world I am not sure that anything will.



That was amazing. This is also amazing. In addition to her keen knowledge of hip hop my mom brought me a collection of poems. This was the first one. Let us all not fall into the same holes over and over again.

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson


Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

will you spend your life with me? for the next 10 minutes.

One of my favorite broadway voices is in the news this week, as the dates for his new musical (and Jerry Mitchell of course) CATCH ME IF YOU CAN are pushed back because of this:

"The lesbian sister of Tony Award winner Norbert Leo Butz was stabbed to death in her Seattle-area home on Sunday. Police are investigating the murder as a possible hate crime."

First of all, my cast did a prayer circle for this amazing member of our community. Secondly though, it left me thinking- is it 1987? Are people still being murdered? It seems to me the world is a little more classy than that. I guess I am wrong. Thirdly, are we still not accepting enough of eachother that HATE crimes still happen? I am in shock that this kind of small minded thinking even goes on anymore. So sad. Please universe grant us all compassion and peace so that we can focus on the really important things.

The first time I heard Butz's voice was when a friend introduced me to what is now tied in my top 2 musicals "The Last 5 Years". It is funny how if you sing along with someones voice enough you start to feel like you know them. I don't of course, but this news breaks my heart. For him, his family, what was supposed to be a great week opening a great new Jerry Mitchell show and mostly for the universe. So sad.

This was a perfect day to look up this song and take another listen. I love this song and how it sings about just living in the moment. It asks "will you spend your life with me? for the next 10 minutes" and when that ends if we are ok, I am going to ask you for another 10. Maybe this is the best way to live. Just a few minutes at a time. If that goes okay, we can all move on to the next few minutes and see where that takes us. If I think too much about the future I just get scared. I am scared I will run out of time. I am scared I will get trapped. I am scared I will invest a whole bunch of years and in the end be alone sobbing on my floor again. I am scared that my best is behind me. I am scared that I will ruin it all. But, for the next 10 minutes I am going to sing my doggie to sleep, rub her belly and kiss her goodnight. After that, I guess I will have to see...

rainy. rainy. rainy. blue.

I am getting to the point where I see that parts of me are beyond repair. I have given away these part of me that hurt, the hurting parts, over and over. Everyone promises to fix me. Everyone promises to be better. I am having a hard time deciding if I want to even try anymore, to be fixed. Sometimes at pilates Rolando will give me a really hard exercise and I will say "that seems like alot of work". I never use the words in life- I can't. I don't want to. I just say, "that seems like alot of work". Well, it seems like alot of work to trust, love, fall, or even pretend that anything makes sense. What does not seem like alot of work is focusing on myself, hanging with my doggie and singing Robyn tunes at the top of my lungs in my car. Being lonely is not so bad, unless of course, it rains for 4 days in the desert. Then it feels like the whole desert is wallowing in your emotions. I love the smell of rain. I hate the feel of gloom.

It seems alot easier to just fix myself, board up that ol' heart of mind and start using my noggin' instead. I am gonna become that old woman with cats, dogs and who sells her crafts at the farmers market on the weekends. Not so bad, I heard they make killer popcorn at the farmers market...

back in the day I used to live in Queens...

A story that goes along with my very first headshot! So long ago...black and white, babyface, and LONG hair (thank you to whoever told me to get bangs!) . A good reminder of just how far I have come....



For me the end of tour ment going back to live my busy struggling dancer life in New York City. It was the begining of the summer and I had just moved into the quintessential struggling dancer housing situation. A flight attendant crash pad in Queens shared with 4 cute flight attendants. I rented my small room for 500 bucks a month and included in the amazing price was 3 flights of stairs between the kitchen and my room, a 20 minute walk to the E train subway line and a small family of mice eating my pantry items daily. I didn’t have the heart to kill the mice so I made my landlord come over an catch and release them twice a week, they always came back and soon I gave up. After all the little mice were just trying to get by, and so was I. A normal day would consist of me waking up, getting ready and heading out the door to the subway early in the morning to be first in the 200 girl long line at the 10 am broadway auditions. Sometime in the mid afternoon after I auditioned my heart out all day, i would make it down to the last 5 girls and would inevitably get cut. I would drag my heavy dance bag and heavy heart all the way back to Queens. My nights were spent hussling to make rent. Sometimes I would go-go dance, sometimes I would dance at bar-mitvas, sometimes I would paint my whole body gold and stand as a human statue at some rich new yorker’s over the top birthday party. I was a hustler. Relentless, and determined do only “dance related” work. I did not want to have to be a waitress. Whatever happened. I just did not want to be one of those people who went through life as a actress/waitress or dancer/waitress or musician/waitress. If I was not booking the best dance jobs then I was determined to just cha-cha slide my way to making rent. I was knew if had to tell my parents I was a waitress they would begin questioning my lifechoice to skip college and move to New York. I had enrolled in the school of hard knocks and I as determined to be the valdictorian. - from Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom by Keltie Colleen

The world is really big.
I am really lonely.
Sigh.

Video killed the radio star.

I spent the morning looking for ways to describe awesome. I found one in the form of my friend Sheryl. We have worked together about a zillion and three times and no she is off doing HUGE things like Beyonce's Ego video... Sheryl shares my love for the sailor hat and that is why today she is on my blog, plus some really kick butt dancing!





One more time, be kind to everyone, and be your best self at all times you never know when you are on tour with a band like collective soul and you meet a hottie named nick in a band called silvertide that said hottie will have the most amazing sister and you will lose the guy but keep the sister and they two of you will become amazing friends and one day she will live in LA and meet a boy named Jed, they will start a production company and that company will be working with someone who has the same "peeps' as your favorite director in the world Alan Ferguson, who you met sitting backstage at some awards show where everyone was acting a fool and you were talking about karma and promoting world peace and then sat in random parks in NYC dreaming up amazing video ideas, and he will recommend you, and sister will recommend you and someone will give you another chance to get rid of status quo dancing and change the face with some groundbreaking originality. You just never know. In the word of my favorite author "It is always anything can fucking happen day".

never is a word you can sing with alot of despair but also alot of beauty right?

saw you at the station.
you had your arm around what's her name.
she had on that scarf I gave you.
you got down to tie her laces.


Dear Self,
You have spent six long months trying to be understood by all kinds of folks. You are really worn out from the emotional roller coaster of being misunderstood. It is totally okay to not be liked by everyone-you don't like hot peppers, everyone dislikes something. You know that every single thing you did, you always did with the best intentions.

Love Keltie

Peace. Love. Dance

Here are the first looks at my Sugar and Bruno Ad campaign photos. This is maybe the most exciting day of my life, other than in 6th grade when my mom shelled out the 109 dollars it cost to buy me lace up Jazz boots like Paula Abdul had. If a year ago you would have asked me if I could do all this I would have said, "one day". That day is here. I am doing it. I am being the best I can be. I am not always right but I will, from now on, always be rocking a really rad t-shirt...






“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

-Virginia Satir

the coolest girl ever.

So, sometimes you meet people at you instantly click. This happened to me and my label mate Chelsie Hightower. Yes she is super amazing and on Dancing with the Stars but more importantly, she is just hella cool. Within the first 4 hours of us being friends we shared bras and shoes, made up a song about the Sugar and Bruno warehouse, played with toys, realized our mutual love of Diet Coke and nude lipgloss and most importantly I taught her how to twitter from her phone. You are welcome chelsie fans! She is so rad and I am so happy to be clothing label mate and friends with this girl. Plus she makes really great sweatpants.

Stay tuned to Sugarandbruno.com this week for pics of our photoshoots, behind the scenes video and maybe a song, alligator car, rubber glove and some girls climbing through windows and sneaky-sneakying thru the factory!

My photos for my autograph cards, clothing tags, ads ect turned out so cool. For the last pics I decided a hawk was important (with bangs of COURSE for my 5 finger forehead!) I am also going to be appearing in an upcoming issue of DANCE MAGAZINE rocking my gear, Very cool.

In other news, well, the news has got me down. The media is strange, sometimes they tell the truth and sometimes they make stuff up, the problem is that it is all intertwined and it leaves us wondering...All I can say is that 50 percent is very very very true and the other half just hurts. It is the same with our mouths... people tell me I have a terrible filter for the things I say, and I agree but at least I say it out loud, to a face and not behind someone's back. I do not think there is anything that feels worse that the malicious activity that goes on behind my back. I had this discussion with Aubrey and lucky for you, you get to see it on tv, but I am just a speaker, if something bugs me, I say it, OUT LOUD to your face so that you can correct me, defend yourself or tell me to kiss off. I respect humans enough to be upfront about my feelings, we don't always have to agree but let's all have a big grown up talk about it instead of sneaking around behind eachothers backs. You know?

I meditated on this today:

I will suppress the urge to win arguments and prove I am right.
I will measure my words ever so carefully and make sure I speak the truth in love.
I am not a slave to the opinions of others.
I will keep silent when the opportunity comes to talk behind someone's back.
I will take responsibility for my reactions to people and stop blaming others for how I am.
I will not stand on the side and allow the music in my heart to fade away.

We can all be better, each and everyday is a new day to reinvent ourselves.
XOKC

tokyo + I both have tats to match our shirts, of shirts to match our tats, or we are just rad.

I think that teaching and inspiring the next generation of dancers is one of my favorite things ever. What a totally rad day. I was talking to these nuggets (what i call dancer chicks) about being fearless, how you stand in a class with a teacher you have never met in a room with a bunch of people you don't know and are expected to just act cool, calm and collected. No one ever feels that way. I sure don't. We can all learn though to fake it really well, the trick is to walk into any situation and be able to overcome whatever it is inside you that is holding you back and be FEARLESS and just go for it. Leave it all out on the floor. Believe in yourself even if no one does. One of the greatest things I witnessed today was this girl in the yellow shirt, standing in the back being an amazing dancer but hiding. I pulled her out, told her to lose the fear and she really blossomed. So special. It was also cool to hang with Lacey and Toyko and get to see all the rad Sugar & Bruno gear in one place. What an honor to teach and rock my own designed clothes and then have kids run out to buy them! I feel so much cooler than I really am. RAD.

I've been getting alot of emails as of late and I was just thinking about why I exist and what my purpose is. I cannot answer that but I can say this. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Dance. life and Love are so amazing, and if it was not for the really rough times I wouldnt have anything to pull out of my soul when I dance, if it wasn't for the good times, I wouldn't feel as amazing as I feel right now. I can only ask this of you. Stay true to what you believe. People and things will come in and out of your life but never let they sway you. I have very strong convictions of what I think is right and wrong and I stand behind those. People are gonna try to change your mind. Your mind doesn't need changing. Maybe that makes me uncool, maybe I don't fit in to what everyother person in entertainment is doing, maybe it makes people want to get me out of their lives so they are free to do things I do not thing are ok, maybe, maybe, maybe, but i believe that love is the answer and that maybe the moon is beautiful on its own and being human is being able to stand outside and look at it an be amazed, just by being amazed. Maybe one day you will find yourself seemingly surrounded by people who love what you do, what they do and could talk about it for hours. I hope you do. I am so blessed to be so loved. I am so blessed to have the life I have. I am so blessed to always have the courage to want more for myself and demand more. None of this makes sense, but it all makes sense.


The AMAZING tokyo. Some kids that are way better than me. Love.

welcome to: pick yourself off the floor

Amy Dunn sent me this today, it is this summers DEX girl ad. Pretty scandalous but I guess it really shows off the self-tanner I am trying to sell! I got to see Amy this weekend and she is just rocking and taking the NYC by storm. So sweet.

Lucky me is laying the most amazing hotel room somewhere in IL. The had a doggy greet me at the front desk. This is my kind of place. I miss Hobo. I wonder what she is doing?

This morning I was driving in a taxi through soho and the east village and I started to cry, tears of complete happiness. Being back in NYC was like coming home to the way your childhood house smelled at christmas. I feel like, in the past 6 months I have been living in a little bubble. The only things inside this bubble were me, my feelings and my job. I think it made me feel worse, and feel sadder because I didn't have my city, my friends, my dance spaces, my favorite tea places, my streets, inspiring sights to light up my heart. I just had a 7 oclock call each night and 11 hours prior to that to think, think, think. I like to think I used my time for work, clothing, dvds and fun writings but honestly, I laid in bed and felt sorry for myself alot. Cried myself to sleep alot. Cried to my friends alot. I just was not myself.

I can honestly 100 percent say that my heart is healed, lifted and inspired. I think it was really important for me to spend this time alone, finding myself and finding out what it is I really want. You know when people say everything happens for a reason? it really does.

I had an amazing conversation with a friend of mine and he said to me that he was really scared of me. I said that I get that alot because I am such a workaholic and have so much going on and am so super independent. He corrected me and talked about how he just was worried and knew that he has to be very careful with me and there was alot of pressure on him because if he messes up or hurts me, well, he was sure that it just would ruin me and my heart. He said that he just wants to prove to me that it is possible for me to have the fairy tale and to be treated the way I deserve. I think my heart melted. What a wonderful thing to hear. I think it is really easy to say those things, and much much harder to actually do them. But I am being really open and honest about my issues with trust and admit to the world that I am scared, freaked and I am not sure how many more cracks my heart can survive. I want the fairytale. We all do. I am just not sure I am ever going to be able to let anyone in enough again to get to that. Time, I suppose and alot of good talks. I left a note of my besties door today that says, you are not alone, you are available for someone outstanding. I think we all need these signs. I had one on my dressing room spot that says " there is a guy out there who is going to be really happy you didn't get back with your crappy ex-boyfriend". so true. We are so scared to be alone, but being alone for me was the time of the greatest learning and growth, it is so easy to run into someone arms so you never have to be alone. For me being alone sucked, I was sad but I am so happy I went through it. I feel so strong. I am gonna do some pushups.

Okay, finished my pushups...Tommorrow morning I get to teach with the AMAZING Lacey Schwimmer who is cool enough to have 2 cell phones. One for her friends and one for her work. My new goal is to have so many friends and so much work that I need two phones. I also want to have a portable craft closet and be able to fit hobo into my back pocket so she can come everywhere with me all the time. I am so excited to see what Lacey is gonna do...and to shoot our commercial tommorrow night. I think I wanna rock a fauzhawk. I know I wanna rock my body.

Hopefully I'll have vids up of my work tommorrow- is anyone else really, really excited for SYTYCD this week? I am.

I think that I cried for days, now that seems light years away

Hi. I am in New York being the best friend can to one of my best friends who is going through some serious grief. I am not going to be able to take the time to do anything but hug her for the next few days, so thanks for understanding.

I will leave you with some things that make me incredibly happy.


This song.



This guy.


YET another one of my friends choreographing on SYTYCD! Get is Joey!

its here!!!!

I just got a huge box full of my first samples of my shirts from my line! I cried! I cannot believe how amazing everything turned out. It looks cool laying on my floor but even better on! The fearless tank is so superrad and I am trying to decide which color I should do the tshirt in? HELP? I am sitting here on a day when I have cried my eyes out all morning, my guy called me back three times to say, are you still crying? you wanna talk? and finally on the fourth call I was crying because of happiness! After all the things I have been through, and all the nights I have spent dreaming, working and planning and all the sacrfices I have made I can see MY NAME on something I designed!!

I love that my signature (heart)Keltiecolleen for Sugar and Bruno is on every shirt. So amazing.

What do you think???

Crazy Horse Carmen!

Last night I was lucky enough to go and see Carmen Electra's one week stint at the Crazy Horse Paris. I had heard the show was good but I was BLOWN away. Keep in mind this show originated in Paris in the 1930's (I believe) and thus is very risque, european and very naked. When I was in Paris and went to see the Moulin Rouge I was honestly dissapointed, but Crazy Horse (even the Las Vegas Version) did not dissapoint. The women were stunning and the show opens with a duet of girls on a spinning neon circle en pointe and continues through dance numbers both dark and sexy to light, humourous and funny. The women are all french, there are no americans in the cast and the talent level and technique of the dancers blew me away. In Between each act the curtain close to delicious french music and one lead dancer comes out and uses her body to tell you the next story, then the lights go out and the title of the dance is lit on the front curtain...It is hard to explain but I literally felt like it was 1930, I was in Paris and all I could think was Oui, Oui, Oui!

Carmen was amazing. She is sexy, talented and really bendy! I thought for only her second show she did a really great job. I got to meet her backstage and she was tiny, cute, humble and talked about being perfectionist and how she thought she could improve her performance. I love that. A girl after my own heart, never satisfied. You might not know this but Carmen Electra was one of the orginal pussycat dolls back in the day at the Viper room in LA. Back when the PCD were just this really cool caberet show and stars like Gwen+ Christina used to show up and front the show. Very cool. Carmen got her start as a backup dancer for PRINCE and then went on to star in baywatch ect. I think its hella cool that she has made it back to her roots and is doing a dance show.

Tonight is my last show before I take a weeks vacation from peep and get the heck out of Vegas. I am heading to NYC to spend some time with one of my bests that is going through a rough patch and then off to Indy to teach the Sugar and Bruno summer school and do all the press + photos for my line! The samples are to arrive today and I am waiting not-so-patiently by the door for the ups man to arrive with them! I am going to be shooting new ads with Lacey Schwimmer and Chelsie Hightower and it is all so exciting I could scream, I fooled someone out there into thinking I am cool! Rock on!

Also: I cannot believe the overwhelming response to my Mantra cuffs. If you still need to order yours please visit www.keltiecolleendance.com.

sometimes dance says it all.

So I am sitting here wanting to talk about and post pictures from my amazing night meeting Carmen Electra at crazy Horse Paris and seeing what I think was one of the best shows I have ever seen. I can't talk about that tonight. I came home to watch some left over SYTYCD and this piece was on.


And so...

How is it that 6 months later I am calling my mother in the middle of day, crying, and worrying about someone who I don't even know anymore. Losing someone you love is hard...so hard..but you know what is worse? Loving someone so much that even after they have been awful to you just want them to be okay. I wish I could just hate him. I wish so badly that I didn't care and that this didn't affect me, but it does. So shut your mouth when you want to tell me to shut up, that its over, that its none of my buisness. Because I CARE. I am heartbroken to see what someone who was so amazing has become. My mom says that I need to just say one sentence and address this so that I don't get a hundred emails a day from people begging me to fix it, like I did today, to help, to reach out. So here it is...

I loved him so much. I worried about him everyday I was with him and everyday since. I am sad for him that he seems so lost that he has alienated his band, friends, family and mentors in his new LA lifestyle. I am sad to see the things he is involved with and the people he surrounds himself with because if they loved him they would not put an addicting substance in front of someone who has grown up in an addicts household. They should know better. Shame on those "friends". I remember meeting a guy who loved books and poptarts and was in magazine for reinventing what cool ment, without booze or drugs. I thought that guy was pretty amazing. We are all worried. ALL OF US. One his family members told me today that I was the best part of his life... and And we have all reached out to him to no avail and thus, I will watch MIA create something on a perfect day and cry my eyes out for him and then I will wake up tommorrow and keep on keeping on in my life and moving forward. I am so sorry if that lets you down. I tried my best but he doesn't love me and it is clear that he doesn't love himself very much either. Please do not contact me regarding him, it hurts my soul too much. There is not a thing I can do. Thank you.

I am so very sad and dissapointed and I know you all are too, well maybe not al of you, but those of you who know what I am talking about. Tommorrow I will tell you all about meeting Carmen and the show. Tonight, I will watch this on repeat. Packing for New York and shed a few tears for the way the world works. So sad.

xoKC

I live here on my knees and I try to make you see

The fine line.

This is my bestie Spagatti. It is 3:27 am I just got home from a really brutal night of shooting and I feel all alone in life and in my convictions. I wish Spagatti was here to make me a cup of tea and talk this through with me. He always has the best advice. I will say this. Maybe to some I come off like I put myself on a pedestal. I do not think I am better or worse than the next guy, but let me admit that I think that my show, and my life and special- if to no one else but to me then fine. I will not now or ever be okay with people cutting down my work. The lessons are the same no matter what walk of life you come from. Maybe some people think I had it easy. Well, I most certainly did not. When I was poor and getting my butt kicked on the E train coming home from gigs at 4 am and waking up at 8 am to stand at some convention all day to hand out flyers for my 200 bucks a day, that is how I hustled. Maybe some girls do other things, and I am not looking down at them, but Peepshow, is not that. There is a fine, fine line between making a point and insulting me.

I am so happy and excited to be getting the heck out of Las Vegas for a week. I need a break from this town. I will be so happy when I get to see New York City again and all my best girlfriends, who love me, and all my crazy convictions.



"There's a fine, fine line"

There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

-Avenue Q

Courage. Passion. Hard Work.

When I was in high school a friend of mine who was an amazing hockey player used to use masking tape and whatever city he was in would tape up his mantra above his door. I was so inspired. I started doing that same thing. It started over my door in Sherwood Park, and I continued through 4 different bunks on 4 different cruise ships, and apartment in East Meadow, Kew Gardens, a airline crash pad in queens, an apt on the upper west side, about 400 hotel rooms, Rockette dressing stations and finally here in my little condo in Vegas. My mantra represents the three things I must have in order to make my dreams come true.

Courage. Please universe grant me the courage in my heart to walk into scary and uncomfortable situations and hold my head high. Allow me to follow my heart and realize that the only standing in my way, is always me. Let me be courageous.

Passion. Please universe let me remain passionate about my dreams. Let me feel my work in my heart and soul. Let me strive everyday to awaken new feelings through my art. Let me never allow other pleasures if the world to steal the importance this goal.

Hard Work. Please universe let me have the strength and determination to work hard. Let me stay focused on the dreams I have set for myself and to continue working until they are reached.

A few months ago I was hanging with a friend of mine Alex and he had a big cuff on an I loved. These are made of 100% recycled eco-silicone and can be worn in class because there is no metal to hurt you or your partner! A new dance fashion! I knew I had to make these for everyone and for myself. Sugar and Bruno is going to release some special cuffs in the spring but right now. I knew the mantra cuff had to be first. I hope you like them.

Visit www.keltiecolleendance.com/webstore to purchase! xoxox

Oh la la she was such a good girl to me.

Tonight I had some friends that are constantly surrounded by beautiful women come and see Peepshow. They loved it. Told me it was the best show in Las Vegas. Told me that I was the most beautiful girl up on stage and then had a little chatty with me afterwards over some dinner and bevys. George wouldn't stop touching my hair, saying that it was so nice to see someone with real hair, then said to me and allie, you have such beautiful lips, and then, it was great in the show that you all just have your own (natural) bodies. I started telling him that maybe he was so used to the plastic world of las vegas that he was losing his mind but I really thought this was sweet. You know, society tends to give us one or two versions of beautiful that we can fit into and we are sometimes left feeling badly about ourselves if we do not match up to these standards, I think what george was trying to say was that it was just nice to see girls, be themselves and own their bodies and talents, He told me I looked like Debbie Gibson so I started singing electric youth, I also begged him to bring the KOOKS to his casino, the Palms for a show but he said they are not big enough :( but anyways, I guess it is just a lesson that we are all beautiful in our own way and someone out there is going to love whatever it is we have to offer. Love is a strong word here. But you get the point, own you shizz people. It's great.

I am a poster girl with no poster. I am 32 flavors and then some...



ps. Screw you George, The kooks are my very very favorite. Bring them

She's dancing fancy pirouettes!!

Last night I made a vow to go to sleep before midnight so that I could make use of a many hours as I could of this glorious Monday. So much going on, to prepare for and to do. I was blindsided this morning with the amount of breakups that can happen in just a 24 hour period, good thing I went to bed because I did need all my hours, not for errands but to digest what on earth has gone on. Is it the full moon?

First off, I've gotten many messages about the musical breakup- it is really none of my business anymore and I am not sure why y'all care so much what I think, but alas...I think that one of the conditions of being human is thinking that the grass is always greener, that if we just get to this date on a calender, or this weight, or get this job that all of a sudden it will all be ok, and that life will make sense. It never makes any, and I think we all just have to take care of ourselves, our friends and our loves so that we can have the best possible journey. I think that it was a honor to hang out and watch the tail end of the circus tour and watch them create the hippie record. I am honored that many of those songs echoed what was a really wonderful summer/winter/and spring with someone I cared for deeply and spoke of a love that I knew was real. It was a really magical time of believing that we could all change the world, believing that all you needed was love, and watching four best friends tour around the world shouting it from the rafters. (and occasionally me and a beautiful girl named Cassie getting in trouble for throwing balloons and candy into that crowd.) I remember sitting and telling ryan that I had a cool idea for a video that involved his dads old set of russian dolls I had found when I had moved all of his fathers things from his old house...and I guess that says it all... Things have changed. And it's ok. I wish them all the best. But mostly just Cassie. Love you Pilates hottie!

Second of all, the dancer breakup- I was so happy to see what was a thin and frail version of my favorite man on the planet Jerry Mitchell these past few days while he checked in at Peepshow. Jerry's momma has been sick and between setting up "catch me if you can" on Bway and the changes inside Peep and that he was a little worse for wear...and yet so gosh darn inspiring. Even with a broken heart Jerry sat and spoke to a wide eyed cast with intent and love. He Cried. He spoke about how even though some elements in our show have changed and that our growing period has been super rough on us all that he was so proud of us because it had not damaged our spirits. That our love of dance had made it possible to overcome. This echos a talk Jerry and I had a few months ago, about focusing on the really important things in life. I love Mattie with all my heart and he is so talented and kind and I know that Jerry and Him will both find happiness. (but my heart breaks for them). Jerry is someone who has put his career first and love second, and I see alot of myself in him, so driven, such a perfectionist, such passion...

Third, another breakup that I will not speak on but I will say this. Friends are it. We spend all this time talking about, singing about, reading about love. The strongest Love I have ever had is that of my 4 am friendships. That when I invite you into my life to be my friend, I will always take care of you, love you and defend you. Always. In this most difficult time, know that I am here, I love you, I will help you, and I will always think you deserve the best. And just like the sex and the city movie, get out that big hat because we are going where the sun shines bright and one day the crazy Keltie will make you laugh again. That day most likely will not be today, but you will. I promise. I love you.


On a postive note: Tommorrow I start filming for my tv show on VH1, and nervous and excited and hope I do not make a fool of myself. My mantra cuffs are on sale tommorrow and have already been spotted on "Girls Next Door" star miss. Holly Madison, broadway director Jerry Mitchell, Broadway STAR Shoshana bean and Ottawa Senators Goalie Jeff Glass! Courage. Passion. Hard Work! I also found out that Me and Miss. Chelsie Hightower will be shooting some ads together for the Fall Sugar and Bruno line next week! So excited! I guess the Karma Police have come around my neck of the woods and I am delighted. The grass looks mighty green, I'd say.

Love you all. Each and everyone of you. I mean it.
oxKC

i'll run

This seems fitting this morning. I must be a crazy girl for pushing away someone great because I'm scared. I really am. Just. Scared. It is so easy to hold onto hurt and use it as a reason to be bitter and alone. It is so much harder to start fresh, trust someone and dive in fearlessly! My mom says I think too much, that seems like the understatement of the universe.

Full out=easy
Fearless=not so easy.