Sunday, June 28, 2009

You can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written.

Yesterday was the "fearless heart" photo shoot. First of I would like to thank the amazing photog Bryan Hainer who is brilliant, a perfectionist and seemed to know exactly what I ment when I said " it like...I've been listening to alot of Alanis "jagged Little Pill" lately". Not only is he a super cutie but he never lets me get away with just staring at the camera, he always reminds me that a photo is all about where your head is at. So true. Also, the amazing Artist Jessica Galindo ( Please check out her amazing art and baubles. I am rocking an amazing cuff that says " Expression is liberation- set yourself free" that was handmade by her. She painted my heart, and later me...those pics will come later. Simply stunning talents, really.

The story of how this all came to be.

I once was a girl who was madly in love with someone who didn't love me back. When it ended. I was scared, afraid, and lonely. I realized that I had a choice, and that choice was to roll up in a ball, be defined by my sadness and just give up OR I could put my combat boots on, pick my pathetic butt up and out of bed, and just forge ahead, fearlessly.

The amazing thing that happened was that, the universe started giving me amazing rewards. When I began focusing my energy on saving myself instead of saving someone else the world changed. Yes, it hurt, yes, I was sad, but everytime I got sad I took it for what it was, healing and forced myself into my work, art and surrounding myself with people who love me, believe in me, and respect me. I knew I needed time. Maybe I still do.

When you get hurt, in any aspect of life, it is easy to just hide away. Sometime after being cut at the first 499 auditions your heart just cannot take anymore and you want to just give up, but do not. That 500th audition is your dream job, and you are going to get it. When someone hurts you, it is easy to hide away from love. Easy to pretend you don't need or want it. But we all want love. I know I do. Maybe you will meet someone who is the best version of everything you have been looking for, through people you would have never known if you hadn't been in that relationship that broke you. Maybe every single thing happens for a reason, the beauty of life, is that we never get to know the big plan, and it isn't the end that matters. It is the journey, I was living the kind of life where I did not want things to change, I was scared of change, I was scared of being alone, and I was scared of failing. I was not actually living, just existing hoping things would never change, where I could live in this perfect world of pretending I knew who he was, pretending I knew what I wanted, and pretending that everything was perfect.

I want to be the Angelina Jolie of dance (you'll find this funny when you see step up 3- but not the stealing brad part) I want to use my success to inspire people and help humanity. I want to live in NEW YORK CITY, not LA, not Vegas- NYC. Bottom line. I want to be with someone who calls me 27 times a day just to hear my giggle. I want to be with someone who is obsessed with me ( "dude, you are totally obsessed with that girl!"- You'll find this funny when you know where it comes from one day) I want to take many more ballet classes until I do not have to stand in the back and feel like I am the worst dance alive. All of this comes from many lonely nights of journal writing, and pondering. Alone! Not so bad after all!

I have a fearless heart. I am open to the miracles of life, love and art. The universe rewards me for my talent, kindness and compassion. I am honest with myself and others about my expectations. I deserve to be loved by someone extraordinary. I deserve to allow myself to be extraordinary. I will never give up. I will never give up. I will never give up.