Saturday, June 6, 2009

Me, Myself and I.

I've been thinking about how much i love to take care of other people. I will lose sleep if people I care about are unhappy.

I have a very bad habit of putting everyone elses needs above my own. In the past few months I Have been working on letting that flaw go. I think there is a big difference between being selfish and self-centered. I am not sure I have ever met an artist that is not self-centered. I have been concentrating only on reaching the goals I have for myself and putting all of me into that. Last week I was hanging with a friend of mine named Tyrone who happens to be Jermaine Dupri's right hand man. I got to talking about how I had 5 goals when I was a little canadian dancer chicken, and I have reached all of them but one.

I want to dance with Janet Jackson.

His response was " girl, you are way to tall to dance with Janet, but I'll work on it for ya." I can keep dreaming can't I?

A few years ago, when I realized some of my big goals had been met (ie. dance in a movie, dance in a commercial, dance onstage at Radio City Music Hall, be a Radio City Rockette, ) I was forced to make a new set of goals. One of them was to try to make my inner self as happy as my work self, to throw a little more importance into my relationships and maybe open my eyes to meeting my match...

I have also been thinking about why in all my adult relationships thus far, I get lied to and cheated on. (THREE TIMES!!! UGH) Some will say, it is because all men cheat. Some will say it is because everyone is the entertainment biz is two-faced. Some will say that I am a bad picker. Maybe all true. Hopefully this is wrong.
At first, when your self esteem is in shambles it is easy to blame your self. Maybe if I was hotter, had better clothes, had bigger boobs, had cooler friends, and of course...maybe if for once I stopped trying to reach all my goals and be independant and successful on my own and just follwed my guy around then they wouldn't feel the need to ever be lonely and thus warm their hearts with someone else? It is messed up how you can change your own mind sometimes. Then I realize this. I might have to be alone my whole life because I will never give up! World traveller, hard worker, never sleeper is just who I AM! I think flat-chested girls are hot! Ballet bodies are so super sexy!

I have heard this a million times..." I love how you dont need me, I love how you have your own life" but really, I think these fellas might be fibbing. I think they just want someone to follow them around an stroke their egos . I am not that girl. I am not a follower. I am a trail-blazer!

Here is the thing, at the end of all these relationships I found myself somewhat heart sore, confused, and hurt. I always do what I say i am going to do. I don't lie and I don't cheat. Maybe I am a fool for believing in something that was never really there. Maybe I believe so much in the goodness of the universe that I want to see my guys as better, and that I do not see them for what they really are. There are so many ways to blame yourself for someone else's flaws.

But regardles of my faults, I am never alone. My dreams keep me warm at night. You can smash my heart, take awat every one of my creature comforts, and lie to my face a million times. But I will never be broken. I might be sad. But it only fuels my fire. I have so much more, and I never sacrificed abything. So when you leave me with nothing, I am still so full.When i stopped taking care of others and starting taking care of myself, I blossomed. It seems strange...

A friend of mine has been working with me on some very cool projects (hush, hush sorry!) and wants nothing in return. I said, do you want a comission? And he said to me, "I want to help you because I think you are talented, special and deserve it. I only want your friedship because that is good as gold. I believe in you, and I know you are a star."

I guess what I have learned is that, you have to really love yourself in order to love anyone else. Love doesn't come from being lonely, or wishing for it, or trying to create it. It just happens. We are lucky to have one great love in our lives, maybe two over a lifetime. Most people realize this love much too late. My flaw, I suppose is picking guys who cannot stand to be alone, ever. And thus, fill their hearts + beds with whatever girl is willing to conform to their needs. They pick Lust over Love. Kelis knows what I am sayin! Or maybe they never loved me. Maybe that was a lie too. The only thing you can believe it seems are the things that come out of your own mouth. What comes out of mouth is COURAGE. PASSION. HARD WORK.

I've heard it said before that music is my boyfriend. This just might be true. I've been in a relationship with my dreams since I was 6 years old and althought gut wrenchung at times, this dream has been the one true love of my life.

So I say, stand up, be that determined, fierce, taleted, badass person you are. Don't worry about doing anything but being you, and try to do that perfectly. Someone might fall in love with you, and then again maybe they never will. But who cares? Your dreams can keep you warm. Girlfriends are great for chats, and doggies are great for cuddles! and in the end, you can always come chill with me and Hobo (she just a bath and smells like lavender).

Last night in the Peep dressing room was Beyonce on pandora radio night. Heard this track.