Thursday, June 24, 2010

why'd you turn my kiss into a contract?

It's isn't that I don't want a boyfriend.
It is that more than anything I do not want another ex-boyfriend.

Excuse me while I get all "summer" on you, but relationships are messy. I just cannot fathom failing again. I cannot wrap my head around being made a fool of ever again. I just really don't want another break-up in my life. Break-ups hurt, are hard to deal with, and make my already terrible eating habits even worse. I don't want to let someone into my life, to only have them leave again days, months or years later. I don't want to be responsible for promises that I am not even sure I can keep. I don't another person on my list of "I used to know you", my list is getting long. It is depressing, to be someones everything and then suddenly be nothing. When I love someone, I love them completely. Once I let you inside the inner workings of my heart, it is almost impossible to get you out. I have a whole army of ghosts that follow my heart around on a daily basis. I don't really have an energy left for near misses and almost lovers. Maybe this makes me a coward, or maybe it makes me a realist- but why are we all in such a hurry to give our hearts away? I love love. I really do. It took me a really, really, painfully long time to be okay with being alone. It took me a painfully long time to feel pretty without someone telling me I was pretty. It took me a long time to believe that good men exist.

I am learning that love is not a contract
and the people who swear they will love you forever, usually don't.
I am learning that saying you love someone is easy
and actually loving them, is really very hard.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave You were what I wanted I gave what I gave I'm not sorry I met you I'm not sorry it's over I'm not sorry there's nothing to save