Wednesday, June 16, 2010

that tiny sore part of my heart

I know this is for the best.

Being afraid and being overwhelmed with fear is usually a really good indicator of what you should do next.

Waking up in the morning and crying until your eyes burn is very depressing but it also is like a giant rainshower for your mind. Only after you deal with the emotions of rejection, anger and sadness can you see clearly, or at least clear enough to get out of bed and put your combat boots of life back on and start kicking butt again.

I want to tell you that it gets easier, I really do. I want to say that after 5 years of Rockettes + 10 Music videos + clothing line + a million other rad jobs + working with super famous people + having a powerful agent that at some point it gets easy.

I am sad to say that it doesn't ever happen.

In life, anyone who decides they like you, love you, want to cast you, thinks you are the best, prettiest, most bendy superstar dancer ever can turn around and instantly take it back. They can pull the rug right out from under your tap shoes and leave you with your jaw on the floor. You can give everything you have to something or someone you love, and it simply won't matter. I think this is the most depresssing thing in the world, to give and give and give, and to never be sure.

That is why I always preach so much self-love. C.perri said to me this morning, "we write what we wish we could be". Could not be more true. You have to be ok with YOU, not matter what kinds of hurricanes surround you. If you let is shake you, break you, know you down- it will, because life gets cruel sometimes. But, if you surround yourself with love and good people and a strong sense of self, you will cry your eyes out for 2 hours, get up out of bed and a make a list of the 234,754,353 other ways you will take over the world.

I did.

RIP old life.