Tuesday, June 29, 2010

my darling neighbour stella came over today to find me hunched over on my magical flowered chair in total devastation/defeated mode staring at the wall. I wanted her to leave instantly because I knew that of I opened my mouth to speak that a million little things that live in the deep dark places that make up the hell of me would come out. So, obviously I spoke, then cried, then learned to breathe again, and then spent the rest of the day wondering why I feel so awful.

Currently, right now in my week, I have helped one friend find a good song, one friend get the sort of recognition she deserves, lent one some money cause she was strapped, let another one sleep on my couch because she's testing the waters in LA. I do these things for my friends, because they have, or I know they would do the same things in a heartbeat for me. In a perfect world, karma would work like this...you do something nice for someone and you get an equal and direct karmic response from the universe. Sadly it seems that many times that no good deed goes unpunished.

I have been spending all my time opening the gates for others, perhaps to distract myself from the giant steel doors closing in my face. Remember giant meeting? never heard from them. Remember audition #2947 for something dance related in LA- I got cut. again. Remember awesome hosting agent who was on team keltie, seems they've moved onto team someone else. Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of things to be thankful for. Plenty.

But that is my point, in my head I feel like because I give it all, that I also should get it all.

Stella said to me today, that sometimes they measure mental health by the amount of "unknown" you can handle in your life. I think my cracks are beginning to show. I have a very clear picture in my head of where i WANT to end up. I have a very thorough list of all the ways I plan on getting there. But I have no heartmap of how I am supposed to feel about it all. Will anything ever be enough? Will I ever feel smart enough? pretty enough? good enough? Will I ever get rid of this ridiculous feeling that something about me is so special that there is a reason that I will succeed over the other 14 billion people living in LA trying to do the exact same thing? I really feel like el lay is starting to rot my soul, or maybe I have always been rotten and la just brought out the worst in me.

Someone told me today that I was completely self-obsessed.
Someone else told me I was a work-a-holic.

IS there a difference? If my work is kcdance and I am the KC?