Monday, June 14, 2010

what if?

This weekend I did some super zexy dancey dancey at the viper room in honor of gay pride week! I <3 my gays! I donated the money I made to my charity of choice DRA. For more info please visit: I wanted to share some fun stills from the show. Thanks to Marti Matulis for catching these photos, one day when I am old and grey I will remember that time I lived in LA, danced around the stage to Spoon and took pics with my camera on stage :)

and now...some thoughts. dating and falling in love and how much it directly resembles auditioning and booking a job.

So, I see you formspring haters- calling me out for being a hopeless romantic and falling madly in love 4,643 times this year, but I have to defend myself here. I have been groomed to react to life in this very certain zestful way. I also, spend alot of my time trying to pretend that I was in a much better place than I was. For me, a very pathetic defense mechanism. If i just PRETEND to be okay and moved on maybe I can fool myself into believing it too. To be honest, I pretty much scared everyone that had the balls to ask me out before we got to a second date, I guess the sentence "I'm looking for a rebound" was a bad idea. Just kidding. almost.


To me dating is like heading off to an open call audition, or maybe an invited call if suddenly after years of being friends with someone you decide to go on a date. You put your best foot forward (every single pun intended). I put just as much thought into my first date outfit as I do into my audition outfit. I think, am I covering up my lovehandles? Does this outfit in one glance completely sum up exactly what my personality is? Am I blindingly throwing it his face (him being future man of my dreams or future fabulously gay dance captain) that the very best part about me is my legs and wear something short so that they will either want to be with me, or in fabulously gay dance captains dreams, actually be me. Either way, I have so many notches on my date/dance belt that it is safe to say that I am well versed in both of these walk-into-the-room-try-to-not-act nervous appointments.

Sometimes, if all goes well, you might get a callback or a second date. The phone call is pretty similar.

Callback: "hi keltie, we'd like to see you again tomorrow at 10 am"
Date: "hi keltie, I'd like to see you again tomorrow at 10 pm"

So, you can see where this all gets very confusing for a showbiz ingenue/hopeless romantic. In both cases, I will spend the next 12 hours until the callback OBSESSING over every small detail of what is to come. Most of this time is spent thinking about the big bang outcome of, what if this is it this time. WHAT IF?

Callback: what if it is it this time? my national television dancer extraordinaire "it" girl showcase of talent, glam squads, duets with paula abdul, never have to worry about paying bills again, walking red carpets, being over magazine cover, winning tony, oscar and emmy awards kind of life changing contract.

Date: What if it is it this time? the one true love, forever and ever, white dress, nicknamed smoochie, tall, dark, handsome, man who loves my dog and saying romantic things and closely resembles both jordan cantalano from my so called life and the hottie in all the marc jacobs ads who just happens to adore, worship, cannot even see anyone else existing when we are together, going to rewrite every single thing about what it means to fall madly in love sort of lover?

So, what you get, dear blog, on most days is a recount of one of those two things. I am usually playing dress up in my career or in my heart. I named this blog with the words high hopes in the title, because that is really what I have, the highest hopes.

When you don't have a contract, you audition.
When you don't have a boyfriend, you date.

It is totally normal to get overly excited about the thought of either of these two things. I fall madly in love almost everyday with something or someone. I love love. I love to spread it and i love to accept it. I love to look in someones eyes in the car next to me and make up our story somewhere in my head about how at the next corner we will stop again and then somehow fall madly in love. I always walk around the corner to my car thinking that some person might have left some love note on the window of my car. I've never said no to a date. Never. Why? because I hate when people judge my by my cover and I refuse to do that to others. I also believe that it takes time to get to know people so, of course on date 1,2, or three I am falling off my seat with excitement the same way I jumped out of my skin for audition 1,2 or three when I first started dancing. It is okay to be excited about the prospect of all your dreams coming true, for both your feet and for your heart.

So you can call me the girl who cried love + success, and I happily accept that, because what if?

what if this time I am right.