cause you broke all your promises

Many moons ago I dated a fella name nick. Nick was kinda rad, but then I met his sister, Christina and I was hooked. Months later Nick broke up with me. Christina and I were upset because WE didn't want to break-up. SO we didn't. We have been friends since. One time when a boy broke my heart she ran from Philly to NYC and sat on my fire-escape smoking cigs while I laid in bed and cried all day. I forgave that boy and excepted his lame excuse for whatever it was that he had done to hurt me (which I shouldn't have) and christina was my girldate for concerts, shows + birthday bashes whenever boy was away.

When boy broke my heart for the second time she sat beside me and had the best kind of words.
"Seems guys always win like that, and get to act unaffected. Just because success comes in waves for him doesn't mean he will ever be happy. He's gonna love and lose for the rest of his life, and you will blossom each year . we, down here, subjectivly, wont ever be able to see it, but we can believe it is true. I sure do, chin up, you are a star"

I had those words taped to my fridge for a long time. I would read them each morning and find some comfort during that time. So when I first heard Christinas song, Jar Of Hearts, I felt like it had been written for me (obviously it wasn't). What good friends do is support, love, believe, and fight for their friends. One day Christina will get to tell her story of how her song ended up in the "what's hot" section on itunes this morning. I know I played a major role. My favorite thing is when really good things happen to really good people. My favorite thing is when strong powerful women call call out the messed up things that boys do. Who hasn't had someone come back months later trying to fill their own ego with you still needing them? This STILL happens to me and its been years. Boys just have this way of knowing when you get over them, and some secret radar goes off and then MUST reach out to you to make sure that they still can mess up your insides. And, of course, they can, and they do. This is the perfect song to reflect that...

Please support one of my bests Christina Perri. Hop on over to itunes and pick up her song. It is a perfect song.



I know I can't take one more step towards you
'cause all that's waiting is regret
don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most

learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time

who do think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
don't come back for me
who do you think you are?

I hear your asking all around
if I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms
learned to live half alive
now you want me one more time

It took so long just to feel alright remember how to put back the light in my eyes I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed cause you broke all your promises
and now your back
you don't get to get me back

my darling neighbour stella came over today to find me hunched over on my magical flowered chair in total devastation/defeated mode staring at the wall. I wanted her to leave instantly because I knew that of I opened my mouth to speak that a million little things that live in the deep dark places that make up the hell of me would come out. So, obviously I spoke, then cried, then learned to breathe again, and then spent the rest of the day wondering why I feel so awful.

Currently, right now in my week, I have helped one friend find a good song, one friend get the sort of recognition she deserves, lent one some money cause she was strapped, let another one sleep on my couch because she's testing the waters in LA. I do these things for my friends, because they have, or I know they would do the same things in a heartbeat for me. In a perfect world, karma would work like this...you do something nice for someone and you get an equal and direct karmic response from the universe. Sadly it seems that many times that no good deed goes unpunished.

I have been spending all my time opening the gates for others, perhaps to distract myself from the giant steel doors closing in my face. Remember giant meeting? never heard from them. Remember audition #2947 for something dance related in LA- I got cut. again. Remember awesome hosting agent who was on team keltie, seems they've moved onto team someone else. Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of things to be thankful for. Plenty.

But that is my point, in my head I feel like because I give it all, that I also should get it all.

Stella said to me today, that sometimes they measure mental health by the amount of "unknown" you can handle in your life. I think my cracks are beginning to show. I have a very clear picture in my head of where i WANT to end up. I have a very thorough list of all the ways I plan on getting there. But I have no heartmap of how I am supposed to feel about it all. Will anything ever be enough? Will I ever feel smart enough? pretty enough? good enough? Will I ever get rid of this ridiculous feeling that something about me is so special that there is a reason that I will succeed over the other 14 billion people living in LA trying to do the exact same thing? I really feel like el lay is starting to rot my soul, or maybe I have always been rotten and la just brought out the worst in me.

Someone told me today that I was completely self-obsessed.
Someone else told me I was a work-a-holic.

IS there a difference? If my work is kcdance and I am the KC?

frug-a-licious

people spend their lives trying to look like the girls in the magazines, be like the women from the movies or dress like the chicks on the red carpets. Not me. I don't own a tv. I don't buy magazines. I often get asked who is your celebrity crush, who is your favorite celebrity- I honestly don't have one. All my idols and crushes are true talents. Dancers, choreographers + singers no one has heard...

I live my life trying to one day get to the level of "cool" that this chick has. Fosse created effortless sexy, cool and sophisticated movement topped with the right touch of "aloof". She's so sexy because she commands her body. Long, lean, and powerful! No wonder Beyonce stole this idea for her "get my bodied" video a few years ago. Beyonce is a super fox, but she has nothing on the OG. (ps. do I see a titty pop in her video!? sweet!)



Frug. There just isn't anything cooler.
Get your high ponytail. Your black lashes. Get into it.

There are so many things to say this weekend. BUT I am skipping over all of it for this.

There are so MANY wonderful things happening on So You Think You Can Dance this season.

First off my dear friend miss. Stacey Tookey is kicking butt. Second of all, I will be at the filming on wed (can't tell you why JUST yet!) and third KENT BOYD IS TOP 9!
Almost a year ago I met Kent because he was my assistant at Showstoppers...what you see on tv is real! He is kind, goofy and sweet as pie. I wish him the very very best and am very sad he won't be assisting me on Saturday at showstoppers in Myrtle Beach! (WHO IS COMING!!)

You know life in hollywood-land, and even some of newyorkerland can get really weird. It seems that everyone is clutching onto trying to be somewhere at the right time, with the right people so that they can fit in, or feel a little better about their lives. People go to the "hot" clubs and the "hot" restaurants because it apparently makes them cool, and...they might run into someone even cooler and become hang out friends with said celebrity.

For me, I've never been into the coolness of it all. I've always just surrounded myself with people I thought were talented, kind, and fun. Stacey and I grew up together, Kent worked with me and my date for SYTYCD and I have know each other for 10 years. I have watched all three of these people go from nobody to somebody. I just want to remind everyone to spend time on the good stuff- following your dreams, being good to your soul, and trusting your gut.

Being in a cool place doesn't really make you any cooler. Standing next to a "name" just makes you "the person standing beside whoever". I've sat on the tour buses, and had all kinds of VIP passes and you know what...

...if it isn't yours to hold. It isn't yours.

So spend less time trying to be something else, and spend more time being yourself, and just try to do that perfectly. There is a time and place for you to shine, and I promise if you work hard enough...you will be the brightest, most undeniable star that ever was.

I've got to cut you out.

why'd you turn my kiss into a contract?

It's isn't that I don't want a boyfriend.
It is that more than anything I do not want another ex-boyfriend.

Excuse me while I get all "summer" on you, but relationships are messy. I just cannot fathom failing again. I cannot wrap my head around being made a fool of ever again. I just really don't want another break-up in my life. Break-ups hurt, are hard to deal with, and make my already terrible eating habits even worse. I don't want to let someone into my life, to only have them leave again days, months or years later. I don't want to be responsible for promises that I am not even sure I can keep. I don't another person on my list of "I used to know you", my list is getting long. It is depressing, to be someones everything and then suddenly be nothing. When I love someone, I love them completely. Once I let you inside the inner workings of my heart, it is almost impossible to get you out. I have a whole army of ghosts that follow my heart around on a daily basis. I don't really have an energy left for near misses and almost lovers. Maybe this makes me a coward, or maybe it makes me a realist- but why are we all in such a hurry to give our hearts away? I love love. I really do. It took me a really, really, painfully long time to be okay with being alone. It took me a painfully long time to feel pretty without someone telling me I was pretty. It took me a long time to believe that good men exist.

I am learning that love is not a contract
and the people who swear they will love you forever, usually don't.
I am learning that saying you love someone is easy
and actually loving them, is really very hard.





There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave You were what I wanted I gave what I gave I'm not sorry I met you I'm not sorry it's over I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Living Your Dream...

So many of you know that I started hosting my own show on teen.com called "living your dream"

I love doing this show so much because I love meeting people and finding their inspirations for what they do. Everyone has a story, and I love meeting people and finding out theirs. I am not sure how exactly I fell into hosting shows- but I am so glad I did. Make sure to head over to teen.com to view all the episodes each week... and do me one favor today and answer this question...


WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?

ablie.

you're so damn beautiful.

remember that time we woke up and he dragged me to the living room and made me slow dance with him in my pajamas to this song?



I love slow dancing.
I love that him at 6'5 + me at 5'6 make me head directly on his heart in slow dance position. (his heart beats 64 times a minute, I counted)
I love boys that treat girls like the precious little mysteries that we are.

Maybe it will end tomorrow, maybe we will decide that this isn't what it should be, or that life will get in the way, or other people, or work or any of the million reasons that things fall apart. But, right now, today- I just feel so lucky that you gave me a happy story to tell. I was so tired of my worn out, what went wrongs, where my scars are story. I just can't tell that one anymore.

I like this story better. I like you better. I like the me I am with you, better.

i'm in the corner watching you kiss her.

this song breaks my heart. have you ever caught a glimpse of the "new love". no matter where you are in life it never ceases to rip apart your insides right? even worse is having to stand in a room and watch him kiss her. trust me, i know.




Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you at, I bet she's around
Yeah I know it's stupid
But I just got to see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her

I'm right over here, why can't you see me

I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home

I keep dancin' on my own

everything has changed.

first of all- did you know I have a twitter? yup. little ol' me, I am pretty sure you do to, well you should follow me...@keltiecolleen



This is someone you should know. Calen Kurka. Teaches at BDC in NYC. He is a magical artist.

Knowing Calen and learning from him, and being his friend has changed the way I see myself, the way i feel about life and the way i feel about art.

I am someone who cannot do one tiny thing without letting the world know.
Calen is someone who has been brilliant for years + I had to beg him to make a youtube page. Calen makes me feel like I am faking it. He speaks such original thoughts + I just regurgitate whatever it is I see.

Please support calen + his company. He deserves it.

that tiny sore part of my heart

I know this is for the best.

Being afraid and being overwhelmed with fear is usually a really good indicator of what you should do next.

Waking up in the morning and crying until your eyes burn is very depressing but it also is like a giant rainshower for your mind. Only after you deal with the emotions of rejection, anger and sadness can you see clearly, or at least clear enough to get out of bed and put your combat boots of life back on and start kicking butt again.

I want to tell you that it gets easier, I really do. I want to say that after 5 years of Rockettes + 10 Music videos + clothing line + a million other rad jobs + working with super famous people + having a powerful agent that at some point it gets easy.

I am sad to say that it doesn't ever happen.

In life, anyone who decides they like you, love you, want to cast you, thinks you are the best, prettiest, most bendy superstar dancer ever can turn around and instantly take it back. They can pull the rug right out from under your tap shoes and leave you with your jaw on the floor. You can give everything you have to something or someone you love, and it simply won't matter. I think this is the most depresssing thing in the world, to give and give and give, and to never be sure.

That is why I always preach so much self-love. C.perri said to me this morning, "we write what we wish we could be". Could not be more true. You have to be ok with YOU, not matter what kinds of hurricanes surround you. If you let is shake you, break you, know you down- it will, because life gets cruel sometimes. But, if you surround yourself with love and good people and a strong sense of self, you will cry your eyes out for 2 hours, get up out of bed and a make a list of the 234,754,353 other ways you will take over the world.

I did.

RIP old life.

there are always going to be things you wish were different and a list of things you wish you could redo. There is no rewind button in life, so chin up and realize that the universe is giving you exactly what you need. A reason to remember why you cut someone out of your life and a reason to be excited why you let someone else in. A reason you didn't book that job, tour or commercial. A reason why you got caught in every red light, even though you were in a hurry. Please trust that the universe is unfolding as it should.



The beauty of life is cut from the same cloth as the beauty of showbusiness- we never get to see what is waiting next in the wings.

It doesn't make me cry less over lost job, or easier to swallow the words that still cut open my vein I made directly for him to my heart, or make it easier to trust, love and be graceful. It just makes me feel like I belong, to the beautiful little army of girls who read this who really have no idea what they are doing. We all just sort of have to hold eachother up or bring eachother back to earth- depending on the day of the week.

what if?

This weekend I did some super zexy dancey dancey at the viper room in honor of gay pride week! I <3 my gays! I donated the money I made to my charity of choice DRA. For more info please visit: http://www.dradance.org I wanted to share some fun stills from the show. Thanks to Marti Matulis for catching these photos, one day when I am old and grey I will remember that time I lived in LA, danced around the stage to Spoon and took pics with my camera on stage :)











and now...some thoughts. dating and falling in love and how much it directly resembles auditioning and booking a job.

So, I see you formspring haters- calling me out for being a hopeless romantic and falling madly in love 4,643 times this year, but I have to defend myself here. I have been groomed to react to life in this very certain zestful way. I also, spend alot of my time trying to pretend that I was in a much better place than I was. For me, a very pathetic defense mechanism. If i just PRETEND to be okay and moved on maybe I can fool myself into believing it too. To be honest, I pretty much scared everyone that had the balls to ask me out before we got to a second date, I guess the sentence "I'm looking for a rebound" was a bad idea. Just kidding. almost.

ANYWAYS...

To me dating is like heading off to an open call audition, or maybe an invited call if suddenly after years of being friends with someone you decide to go on a date. You put your best foot forward (every single pun intended). I put just as much thought into my first date outfit as I do into my audition outfit. I think, am I covering up my lovehandles? Does this outfit in one glance completely sum up exactly what my personality is? Am I blindingly throwing it his face (him being future man of my dreams or future fabulously gay dance captain) that the very best part about me is my legs and wear something short so that they will either want to be with me, or in fabulously gay dance captains dreams, actually be me. Either way, I have so many notches on my date/dance belt that it is safe to say that I am well versed in both of these walk-into-the-room-try-to-not-act nervous appointments.

Sometimes, if all goes well, you might get a callback or a second date. The phone call is pretty similar.

Callback: "hi keltie, we'd like to see you again tomorrow at 10 am"
Date: "hi keltie, I'd like to see you again tomorrow at 10 pm"

So, you can see where this all gets very confusing for a showbiz ingenue/hopeless romantic. In both cases, I will spend the next 12 hours until the callback OBSESSING over every small detail of what is to come. Most of this time is spent thinking about the big bang outcome of, what if this is it this time. WHAT IF?

Callback: what if it is it this time? my national television dancer extraordinaire "it" girl showcase of talent, glam squads, duets with paula abdul, never have to worry about paying bills again, walking red carpets, being over magazine cover, winning tony, oscar and emmy awards kind of life changing contract.

Date: What if it is it this time? the one true love, forever and ever, white dress, nicknamed smoochie, tall, dark, handsome, man who loves my dog and saying romantic things and closely resembles both jordan cantalano from my so called life and the hottie in all the marc jacobs ads who just happens to adore, worship, cannot even see anyone else existing when we are together, going to rewrite every single thing about what it means to fall madly in love sort of lover?

So, what you get, dear blog, on most days is a recount of one of those two things. I am usually playing dress up in my career or in my heart. I named this blog with the words high hopes in the title, because that is really what I have, the highest hopes.

When you don't have a contract, you audition.
When you don't have a boyfriend, you date.

It is totally normal to get overly excited about the thought of either of these two things. I fall madly in love almost everyday with something or someone. I love love. I love to spread it and i love to accept it. I love to look in someones eyes in the car next to me and make up our story somewhere in my head about how at the next corner we will stop again and then somehow fall madly in love. I always walk around the corner to my car thinking that some person might have left some love note on the window of my car. I've never said no to a date. Never. Why? because I hate when people judge my by my cover and I refuse to do that to others. I also believe that it takes time to get to know people so, of course on date 1,2, or three I am falling off my seat with excitement the same way I jumped out of my skin for audition 1,2 or three when I first started dancing. It is okay to be excited about the prospect of all your dreams coming true, for both your feet and for your heart.

So you can call me the girl who cried love + success, and I happily accept that, because what if?

what if this time I am right.

Think for a second about where anger comes from the many ways of displaying it, and about creating a more positive life. People being rude or mean to you is their own flaw, even though they think they are pointing out something wrong with YOU, hate is more about their insides and flaw than yours. Try to remember that when they make you cry.

I am totally, on most days, okay with myself, flaws and all...so really nothing anyone can point out- is going to affect me.

Hey army! Let us instead learn to be compassionate towards others + to speak with kindness. It will make your insides feel yummy. I promise.

courage. passion. hard work.

new mantra: get the &%*# out of your own way.

something I know for sure (and that I am very happy about)

one day people will write about me, not for being a girl who dated some guy who had a smash song, or the girl who did eye high kicks with Santa, or the girl who inspired you to do spins and stuff.

they will write about me being the girl who helped this girl make THIS happen. one day years from now after grammy's are won + goosebumps are felt I will STILL be pushing this girl to make this music and get out her own way. I would rather hold this girls hand, than any boy in the universe.

There are a million pretty voices and a million pretty girls behind them.
Those girls have stylists + vocal coaches + songwriters making them who they are.

This girl is the coolest girl I know, without the help of anyone.
There is only one Christina Perri.



CAUSE YOU BROKE ALL YOUR PROMISES.

swoon.

5678

Things I have learned:

-no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
-credentials on a wall do not make you a decent person.
-what you see in the media is a carefully crafted version of what suits in boardrooms want you to see, what they want you to like and what they want to define as cool. people pay other people thousands of dollars to get their faces in magzines=red carpets+events. the media isn't fooling me.
-two people can look at the exact same thing as see something completely different.
-we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-that true friendship grows over long distance, the same goes for true love.
-you can do something in one instant that will give you heartache for life.
-you can keep going long after you think you cannot.
-either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.
-intentions matter.
-wishing on stars + skipping are highly underrated.
-you cannot be afraid to let your talent shine.
-it is OK to want it all.
-if you make a promise you should keep it.
-jealousy works the exact opposite way that you want it to.
-if you are sorry, you should say you are sorry.
-trust your gut. always
-when you get the things you want, you won't want them.
-we are tiny, small little creatures in a vast universe. keep your perspective.
-listen to you and not to them.
-everyone gets old, wrinkly + saggy. Inner beauty matters yo.
-pessimism never won any battles.
-embrace how little you really know. ask questions.
-everybody needs someone to love.


and most importantly, be fullout + fearless!



SPEAKIng of fullout and fearless:

TONIGHT on Highkicks+Highhopes Radio I am having a very special dance superstar guest! miss. Ashley Everett. Ash is a friend of mine + a rockette sister! She happens to be the lady on the left of this kinda-sorta-famous music video. She's been on tour with Beyonce for-EVER and she will be giving listeners the INSIDE scoop on it all! tune in!http://www.blogtalkradio.com/highkicksandhighhopes 7 PM LA time.

unitarded.

so American apparel is launching their new DANCE line with American Apparel. This means that now you can order all your hipster girl stuff at the same time you are buying your 10th pair of pointe shoes, or your pink tights. AA likes to think they started the "leotard" as regular clothes style thing but, as I have explained before, I've been in leotard since I was 5. no big deal.

anyways, in addition to my line with Sugar and Bruno I am also (one) of the faces of the new AA line. I am pumped. Mostly because I got free swag at the shoot + I got to jump + dance around all day on set.

Here is a little story to inspire you in case you might ask...how on earth did you get to do something like this?

once upon a time I was a first year Rockette. dance captain Trina. nice to Trina=friends. 6 Years later. Debbie Roberts who runs the oldest + most epic great dance competition in North America SHOWSTOPPERS saw me on the cover of Dance Spirit Magazine. Debbie--->Trina that she would like to work with me. I started working with Showstopper. Debbie introduced me to Shelli. Shelli is a mover and shaker at Discount Dance. Discount Dance = over 3 million of us dancers as subscribers. Debbie went on + on + on about me (blush. awesome!) to Shelli. Shelli thought I was the most positive + loving person. Shelli contacted me to work with Discount Dance. American Apparel signed with DD and Shelli wanted me to be the face of it. rad.

So this was a little seed planted over 6 years ago.

So little dancers: it will happen. it can happen. but it will not happen overnight. you have to go out, each day, be the best you can, be kind to everyone regardless of what they do or who they are. create the reputation that you want to stay with you for your career. Show business is a show, but it is also a business. You will not be successful on high kicks alone. stay true to who you are + your dreams, but make sure to be aware of the oppurtunity to turn a pas de chasse into magic.

Miss. loftiss said to me today "you can't give up before the miracle". so true. stick with it. stick it out. stick to it. you can do this, even if every blister, sore muscle, bone in your body threatens to tell you that you cannot- you can.

i believe in you.

did you see that arabesque?

sorry but this video is the bomb.com. as a dancer i often have conversations with other dancer friends about how annoying it is that we study and study and train and train and for some reason in 99% of dance jobs we just hop around and do one left kick, granted I have based an entire career on that left kick.

I love this video because it is so different and fresh. the dancers are stunning and even thought the song is slightly to very wah-wah the video is visually stunning. I never got bored.

keep up on class + technique + hopefully directors + artists will see that true talent and real DANCING is so much better than booty pops and hair flips.



yum.

ps. I am making a new rad over sized tee for sugar and bruno and my idea is to put three ballet term giant urban outfitters style on the front in bold black writing. what three ballet terms would you use? so far I like Plie, Tendu and I need ONE more! help!

pps. awesome behind the scenes on the video!

fall in love or fall in hate.

the way a heart breaks:

first night. cannot move. breathe. think. eyes swollen from sobbing. a list of why's. a list of regrets. a backpack full of denial. a phonecall could change it all back, but the phone never rings. forget eating. forget swallowing. forget smiling. walking away and no one is chasing after you. scared. alone. ruined.

months later. culprit finds their own regrets. sorry. forgive me. you are the greatest. friends? he says hello. wishing hello = the words that he will never say. would feel better. only feel worse. something like words cannot fix something like broken hearts. eating. breathing. dancing. every sad song is written for me. every boy i see will never be you. you love someone else. i still love you.

day after day. month after month. i swallow down our story. jealousy tastes horrible on my lips.

years later. clarity. you. ugh. the worst. only want the things you cannot have. my words. my time. my response. i don't love you anymore. i don't even like you. over.

last night. you came to me in my dreams. i won't let you haunt me when I am awake. smarter. you were sweet. version of you i wish you were. i could smell you. don't you dare. don't you fucking dare ruin this for me. got you out of my system. off my mind. out of my heart. stay away from me. i want nothing of you.

get back to the point(e).

i've been busy all talking about love and shiz but let's get out heads on straight and jump back into the dance world.

this little one:

a) a better dancer than me and she is 12.
b)this is maybe my favorite song of all time.
c)i have no doubt in 8 years when she is old enough she will be stealing my job from me.




gaga ballet:
a) this is fucking EPIC and I am just putting out there into the universe that pointe is BACK in a big mega rad way + some artist needs to let me choreograph ballet into their video!
b)i love it when underage ballet school girls in pointe shoes kiss eachother. yowzer!




happy dancing!

it might kill me.

all i really want to do is love you
a kind most closer than friends use.

the reason that your heart it buried deep inside your chest behind the protective walls of lungs and layers of skin is because hearts when exposed to extreme cold or extreme truth usually end up feeling burned.

I tried so hard to numb myself and list all the reasons why love and marriage and forevers and promises and soul mates and couples are just a sham, and you have come along and ruined all my hard work.

So no matter what you see me as - friend, lover, crazy obsessive compulsive girl who asks to many questions and snorts when she laughs, I see you as worth it.

inside my white room.

"What you gave me was a reason. Not an excuse. Because there’s sex, making love and fucking. And then there’s you." -www.iwrotethisforyou.me


There is this white room called life. I can clearly see myself standing inside it. I have no idea where I am, or what I am doing, what I possess or where I am going. But inside that room is you and that is all that matters. It no longer matters what I create or what I destroy because I live inside this white room and if you are inside, then I have everything I need. We can create the rest, hold things in our hands that we think are important and then lose those things in an instant. Money, Fame, Chanel, nice cars, clothing lines, covers of magazines, none of these things are as important as love. That is why I believe, pray and fight for it everyday and I always will.

Always.