Monday, September 28, 2009

You sat on my shoulder today.

Moments of true greatness for me are quite fleeting. In the 6 hours I rehearsed today I can bet that there were only a handful of moments where I was doing everything correctly at the right time. Today we worked on the finale of the show + it is my favorite number. It is called Shine + we have the most beautiful costumes + these super snazzy headpieces that make me feel like a mix between a prom Queen + the ice queen. Have you ever wished that you could freeze frame a certain moment and keep it for later? I would put all my stunning moments in the drawer next to my socks and when I was feeling bad about myself I would pull them out and pull on a fresh perfect version of myself.

Rehearsal days are very long + my goals during this process include trying to keep a smile on my face at all times, not biting my nails (unsuccessful), and staying focused so that I can try to increase my ratio of mistakes to perfections. I try to pull inspiration from all over and one of my favorite + most destructive pastimes is to pretend that I can hand pick my audience. I have been doing this since I was a little girl. In the basement of my house dancing around to Paula Abdul it was Jason Wilment the cutest boy in third grade. Later in high school musical theatre classes it was Justin Mills, the captain of the Hockey team. I do this even now. I imagine myself in my stunning costume with my perfect red lipstick. I think about what it would feel like for him to see me perform in a huge arena. I can't help but wonder if somehow you can make someone fall in love with you if you have enough talent or enough rhinestones? I have this feeling in the back of my mind that says to my heart, that if I could just get him in the fifth row that he wouldn't see me as that awkward, unsure, fanatical, obsessive, compulsive, narcissistic, monstrosity of a girl but instead would see me at this pinnacle of glamour and grace. The woman of his dreams.

I realized today on my way home as I was laughing at myself for doing this all day that this practice is a wasted effort. He isn't going to see me. Other dream creations of my mind have and it didn't change anything, but alas! it did change something. It changed me.

I have spent my whole life trying to reach goals and make things happen so that I could turn myself into someones dream girl. I haven't become that yet, but I am not sad. In the midst of trying to create all this for some mythical "You". I created it all for me.

I am the woman of my dreams.

Maybe it doesn't matter how we get there. Maybe not all our motivations are honest and mature but they still exist. I am so thankful for all the "yous" that have sat on my shoulders during my life. They won't ever know that they helped me so much, they have moved on and found dream girls of their own. And, I guess so did I- just in a different, more "Keltie" kind of way.