Saturday, September 12, 2009

Move on or move back.

Last night after a delicious dinner with some of my favorite Rockettes. During this conversation I made ears burn talking about how excited I was about the "new-not so new" and wonderful turn my heart has taken. I wish I could go into more detail but this comes on the end of a conversation about how I tend to give so much of myself to the world and that this thing is very special and this person wants something that is just between two people. Something that you can only find and feel in your heart, and not on the Internet. I love this idea and I am respecting these wishes. Someone somewhere is going to say. 'Move on'. I have been moved. Enough said.

I took myself on a date last night to see "the September issue". It was so good. I died over some of the clothes and the beautiful models. So stunning. I think it was really interesting the inlaying story about peoples perceptions of us. It seems ironic to me that Anna is labelled a bitch because she is a perfectionist and knows what she wants. To me that is just a strong powerful woman. The moments of solidarity make you almost feel sorry for her. The top can be a very lonely place. Maybe Anna takes herself to the movies too.

The movie showed alot of Paris. Paris is one of my weaknesses. It is most likely the hopeless romantic in me but the site of the Eiffel tower just takes my breath away. I was walking home and actually got a little choked up. It is a strange part of healing how you can not think of something for weeks and then a memory will come over you so strongly that you can almost smell it in the air. These memory overloads can come from anywhere. The sight of a toy from my childhood. The sound of a song I used to listen to in my first car. The smell of my dads cologne. We have all experienced this. It is nice to acknowledge the past. Last night I stopped on the street somewhere between 19th and first and stood in the rain and wrote this. It was exactly what I was thinking. Honestly. I actually almost picked up the phone to say "remember when?" I stopped myself. Sometimes you can feel something, and I think the purpose is just part of being alive, feeling and moving on. Life gives you a test and you have to make a choice. Move on or move back. I made the choice to smile at the thought of something wonderful. Smile and remember the reasons why I am glad that it ALL happened. Remember that I cannot have it all at the same time and somehow revel in my loneliness, give myself a nice big hug and smile. I was walking though the streets of NYC, my dream city, and I was free to do and feel whatever it was I wanted...

"I guess the choice we have is whether you want to move on, or if you want to live in the past. I cannot help the memories from coming into my mind but I get to choose how I acknowledge them. Move on or Move back. It doesn't matter what I say now. It doesn't matter that your memory ha come upon my senses so strongly like the smell of my moms fresh cut lilacs sitting on the kitchen table in the summertime. It doesn't matter that I can smell you right here on this street. I find it amazing that I can clear my mind of every awful thing that happened and remember what it was like to be in Paris, with the blue of the light reflecting in our eyes. Two transient lovers making homes in hotel rooms and in what we thought eachother was like. I am assaulted with loss. I can't remember what a terrible lover you were because I can only remember how alive I felt when I was trying to make the movies real for you. I can't help but wonder if there are other girls walking along the streets in NYC or far,far away in Paris who feel like me right now, questioning the reason why someone always has to lose. A heart can break, and then it can heal, I can move on, find new people to love but the years I lived with you are stolen because I lived them for you. I saw and experienced so many amazing things. I want to forget you. I try to take you out of each of the memories and somehow they don't seem as special. I don't even miss you. I just miss the way I felt about life when you said you believed in me. There were so many moments that took my breath away. You stole my heart away. And tonight, the sight of Paris, even in the movies took my strength away."

It's ok to feel sad. It is okay to always care about people you promise to care about. It is okay to mad, sad, angry or hurt. However, you have to feel it and then choose not to feel it anymore. Shortly after I stood there in the rain writing this down. I called up some friends, met for drinks and stayed out way too late for my own good. Move on or move back. I move on.