Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'd rather be crazy than right, tonight.

"Even though I know it's just your personality to be outgoing and charming, I could see it in everyone of their eye's and they were getting sucked into you."-yup- someone actually said that to me.

I realize I have made a grave mistake. I have been focusing on developing new friendships and relationships with people who simply do not get me. I got a delicious reminder of this this morning at rehearsal when tending to the 4 inch massive blister on my heel (I HATE TAPPING in HEEL TAPS! UGH) one of the PA's delivered some surprise mail that had been sent to me. It was a package from one of my dear friends from Santa Fe. Many moons ago we met at some party for Habitat for Humanity in NYC when I was dressed up dancing like a disco Oliva Newton John (it was in my poor, I will do anything to pay rent dancer days). He is a wonderful, saving the earth, creative, amazing friend. He also happens to make jewelery in his spare time. I joking asked a while back for a nameplate that said Hustler. Well, guess what I received today! I love it. So me.

The card inside said this.

hey kelts! (see my true peeps always call me kelts)
I know its a lonely road you're on sometimes but remember that there are ton's of people out there who love you dearly and like me, admire you greatly for your tenacity and being so damn fierce! Love you!

It is human nature to focus on the bad instead of the good. This year I had some people say some things that deeply hurt me about how "I am a dangerous person because I can make anyone fall in love with me, and then I ruin their careers." that, coming from a group of people that I considered friends is an awful thing to hear. Mostly because I think it is sad that anyone in the world would wish for people to be alone simply because their sadness can make other people more money. If the greatest band of all time thinks all you need is love, then who are we to act as if love should be last on the list? I guess this goes along with the "sucking people into me" flaw. I am not sure when it became a flaw to be kind to other people, to laugh as loud as you can at funny things, to be excited about life and to love with all your heart. As charming as they come across-To me these are simply necessities of life!

Maybe I can be charming, I have, after all spent most of my adult life showing up at auditions unknown and trying to get directors and choreographers to notice me, be drawn to me and be interested in me. It is WHAT I do for a living, one would assume that some of that ability would trickle down into my regular life.

The lesson I think we can all learn from this is that you just have to be you. Not everyone is going to get it. Not everyone is going to be able to handle it. But you are who you are for a reason. Someone will appreciate and respect that. Sometimes someone who is confident in what they want and what they need overwhelms others. So many people tip toe through life and love with their suits of amour around there hearts and the "steps" in which things are supposed to happen ingrained in their minds. I do not have those things. I jump in, to everything, be it a night at the movies, a sing-a-long rendition of happy birthday, a box of cookies, or a crush all with the same hopelessly romantic fearlessly optimistic reckless abandon. It is who I am and I refuse to apologize for this. Maybe I try too hard, laugh too hard, cry too hard and love too hard. But no one will ever say I didn't try. takes a second but it is well worth it.