Saturday, September 5, 2009

I never believed you. I only wanted to.

Calen never ceases to amaze me. We were taught by the same teacher growing up and somewhere along the way he became one of the most inspiring people alive + I became the girl who cannot seem to keep her head straight. When he speaks in class I cry. He is such a true artist. When I walk through the door of his class, it is like being reborn as a girl who knows nothing about herself.

Tonight as class began Calen had us lay down on the floor and close our eyes. He had us assess our bodies, our minds + our hearts.

"think about your body, think about how if feels right now and what it needs"

My right foot still hurts, as per usual, my right hip needs to be cracked, my left knee is aching, my neck is so sore from sleeping on planes, my calves are tight, I hope I don't make a fool of myself in this class, everyone keeps getting younger at Broadway dance center and I keep getting older...What happened to my old class crew...are any of them even dancing anymore...focus keltie...

"think about your mind, and what you will ask of it in class tonight, get yourself prepared"

dear mind, please focus. Don't think about what you have to do tommorrow. Stop thinking about what other people are thinking. Try to remember to breathe. I wonder what the peepshow cast is doing right now. Do you think when I look up every one of my ex-boyfriends will be standing in the window watching me grand pile and realize that they made huge mistakes like in the dance movies? they could run in and we could do a bluebird lift + the happy song will play + suddenly a choreographed dancebreak will start and my makeup will be perfect and my hair will fall out of this half bun and into a long lucious mane of beautiful soft waves. Keltie focus, FOCUS, please mind, help me not get annoyed at my severe lack of grace and balance. Chris and Calen are so cute, I wonder when their wedding will be..FOCUS KELTIE!

"think about your heart, think about where it is this very minute. Not where it was when you woke up, not where you wish it was, where is actually is, don't lie. Art is honest and so is your heart, get your heart ready for class"

Dear heart. I am so glad you made it back in one piece to New York, see? I told you we would feel better here. I am not lonely. I think we may have cleaned up that messy co-dependant/cannot ever be alone problem we had. I really love being alone with you. I don't even have time to do all the things I want to do plus open you up again. We are supposed to go on a date tonight after class...should we make up and excuse and go home instead? I wonder what Hobo is doing right now. Focus KELTIE! Heart, you feel strong. Forgiveness feels so wonderful. I am so glad we found it inside us to forgiveall of them + ourselves for being young, trying so hard and failing. It is okay to fail just like it is okay to fall out of turns. What matters is if we let it ruin the rest of our performance, or the rest of our lives. We won't right? Onwards, upwards!

Before we went across the floor Calen spoke about hard work. He said that in dance we always seem to not want to do the things that take alot of work. We tend to love to just turn on the right and jump on our good legs. He then taught us a really challenging series of steps with alot of legs, balance and a double ballet turn from fifth on releve (no prep). He said that no one would do this perfectly tonight. That we all have something to work on. That everything is work. That if you do not like to work that your life will be very dissapointing because it is the only way to acheieve greatness...that we should always be working and the truely happy people will find a way to enjoy this work. This spoke directly to me is so many ways, of course. Insert the hard across the floor combo with life. If you want to be okay, in your heart, soul and mind. It takes work. It would be so easy to take the easy way and only do things that felt safe. I hated being alone, I could have just replaced my empty heart with someone new so I didn't have to feel that way. I hated Vegas. I could have just quit my job and come back to NYC 5 months ago. I didn't because, to me this was the best kind of soul work I could have done. I needed to do it. It was HARD HARD HARD work and sometimes impossibly heartbreaking work but I don't only want to turn on my right leg. I want to be strong, even during the hardest most uncomfortable moments, of class and of life.

Calen. I love you so much. I am so proud of you and the inspiration and master you have become. I am in awe of you and your special talent. Thank you for making me stronger that you will even realize. Love Nana.