#200.

...your head is on my stomach and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep


This is my 200th post. This is very weird because I spent most of yesterday attempting to purchase an anniversary gift, for myself. This proves how fiercely independent I am. I just signed my contract for my fifth year of being a Radio City Rockette. Being that the Rockettes were my childhood dream, idol, and goal all in one I thought that I would celebrate my anniversary by purchasing myself a very beautiful piece of jewelry. I am looking to get a huge stone of some sort, maybe a smokey topaz, to celebrate my dream coming true. Happy Anniversary me!

So, this post is about me getting the wind knocked out of me. I realized something profound today. I've never been in a relationship. I have however created these perfect little worlds where I could exist as fierce independent me and sort of hover around the outside of the semblance of something intimate with someone who I really cared about. I have felt great love and at the same time I have created this love within a great distance. I have never actually been able to invite someone into my inner world because there is this great fear inside of me that in doing that I would have to make some sort of sacrifice in my career. You can call it being determined, focused or unstoppable, or you can call it selfish. He did.

I have been asked to play many roles in my few adult relationships. I have turned all these roles down. No I won't learn to cook. No I won't dye my hair black and wear more leather. No I won't move across the country to live with you. I am always going to be putting dancing first. Take it or leave it. Taylor Swift said in an interview that " she can only really give someone what is left." I can imagine that Miss. Swift is much busier than I am, but I really understand what she is talking about. When you spend so much time focusing or your profession which just happens to also be your art which also happens to be your passion which also happens to be your one true love, what do you have left to give?

I wonder why my guys always stray. It might be because I am crazy, or it might be because after all my talk of I don't NEED you, I have my own life, I have my own thing, See ya when I see ya, well, maybe a man really feels like he wants to be needed. I have a really hard time accepting anything from anyone but myself. Maybe I scare people because my role as a woman is not typical. I don't need to be saved, taken care of or kept. I just wanna hang out when we are done doing all the other things life keeps us busy with.

Long story long, I got called out on this fatal flaw today. Big time. I was asked what it was I wanted in life and I answered my typical keltie answer, I just want to keep working and focusing on dancing and being successful at it.

He asked me "but what is success?"

I literally did not have a response. Is there a mathematical equation I should insert here? Of course not, that is the challenge of life. By many dancers standards I have a dream career. Most of my friends from my hometown write me on facebook and tell me how cool and exciting my life is, how successful I am. I see them and their high school sweethearts that they married and their babies and houses and I think about why it seems like there is a choice out there between one or the other. Then I start thinking about the level of success one can I say maybe I have in my profession, but does it feel slightly meaningless to me right now? yes. It really does. What good is selling out of my clothing line the first week if I come home to my empty apartment, drink tea by myself and pat myself on the back. Yay me. Pathetic. What good is having nice things, nice clothes, money to see nice shows with if I can't have someone to go with. I tried sleeping with my Chanel purse and it certainly didn't snuggle back.

I am all about the independent woman. I had a righteous babe sticker on my first beater car when I was 16. People ask me why I act the way I act and my excuse is always the same. Well, if I keep all these pieces of me separate from my relationship then when he leaves me I won't really be alone. I won't lose it all. It is time for me to realize, when someone breaks your heart, you lose it all anyways. The heart is the MOST important thing and it doesn't matter if you are walking around being Rhianna for heavens sake, a broken heart sucks. Tears your insides apart. No amount of padding, protection or predetermined fierceness is going to make this better.

He told me today, that I walk into everything with him just waiting for him to mess it up. That I meet someone and then just wait, and expect them to fail. He says that he walks into everything thinking this could be the one and only thinks the best of me. People say I am strong, optimistic and positive. I am far from those things living in a world where I hold someone guilty for crimes they have yet to commit.

So here I am to admit to the world all the things I want. I want it all. I want to learn how to intertwine the different aspects of my life so that they function as a little well oiled keltie heart/dream machine. I am not entirely sure if it is possible but I am willing to try. Wish me luck, and wish me happy anniversary.