how are you supposed to trust anything your heart tells you when your heart has fooled you before?

people say we are supposed to trust our guts, but my guts are liars.

I am a walking zombie. Somewhere between the guilt and my guts, is my heart and I wish that my heart spoke English. Sometimes I feel like my heart speaks some sort of native tongue of a different planet. I can never actually decipher what it is I am supposed to do with all these emotions.

I wish happy was some definite thing that scientists could calibrate. Then we would know for certain if we were, or were not feeling that.

I wish that when you met the person you are supposed to give your forever to that a giant light bulb heart illuminated above their heads and you just walked up to your perfect match, turned off their light and then knew that this was it.



see I'm trying to find my way
but it might not be here where I feel safe

"Such a simple concept, yet so true: that which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves."
- the art of racing in the rain.

It is so easy when things go right so say- I totally manifested this! I thought about it, pictured it, dreamed about it- all of it and then the power of my mind made it happen!

I guess I forget that I also manifest my failures. Mostly when it comes to love. I am pretty hopeless in that department and most of the time, no matter how good something feels to my heart I am already in the "yea, but I can just think of how much this is going to hurt when it goes wrong" stage before I even get a chance to enjoy feeling good. Things fall apart and I am never surprised to see it happen. I manifested that too.

Things get bad and then things get worse, and I suppose what matters is what we chose to focus on. I had a nice little pity party for myself this weekend. But as low as I get, somehow the universe, the amazingly resilient universe always finds away to break through the storm clouds of my mind and show me some sunshine. Just when I thought about moving up to Canada, giving up all my dreams and spending my days reading books at Tim Horton's- the universe gave me a huge, yummy sign to put back on my combat boots of life and start kicking butt again!

Never underestimate the power of your thoughts. What you think-you become.

the good fight.

I had the most amazing conversation with my mom today. Hospitals offer no distractions. There is only talking and jello.I am in the middle of my own little pity party. I plan on attending it for one more day before putting back on my combat boots of life and walking with my head held high.

I have been working as a professional dancer for almost 10 years. This was my dream and it has never been lost on me that I chose a career that is very unstable and pretty messed up. I sacrificed EVERYTHING to do this. I totally did this to myself but I cannot explain to you how painful it is to work so hard and put so much time and energy into creating the life of your dreams not only with your body, but with your soul. Being a good person, being positive, not backstabbing people, working hard...all of those things should count right? Sadly, most of time in this business they simply don't. You can be discarded like trash after years of hard work. It is very painful. Not only because for me, I am losing something I love deeply, but mostly because it just shows me that good things don't always happen to good people. I hate that.


My mom said to me today, "oh honey, I wish that good always equaled good but it simply does not. It's very sad. That doesn't mean that you are to stop fighting the good fight. I am not sure the reason, but you just have to."

One of the hardest things I have ever had to learn in life is that the things you love won't always love you back. It is heartbreaking. It is disappointing. But this is just the way it is.

So you cry.
All day long.

and then tomorrow, you get back to fighting the good fight.
Because you just have to.

When did it not be OK for two women to love each other and support each other? I am hearing all this backlash about me + cp and that there should be this big jealousy between me and her because of her success.

I don't live my life that way. I live my life this way.

I am in the center of a giant web and when I reach out in any direction I can touch a whole bunch of the most wonderful talented people ever. Christina is one of them, Stacey Tookey is one of them, a bunch of other friends + dancers + directors + photographers are all in my web too. I have taken a page out of Liz Gilbert's book and I call this my web of genius. Whenever I need something I just reach out and I know I have these insanely talented, wonderful people within my grasp.

When someone in my web does something amazing, like creates a hit song or gets nominated for an Emmy award, I never get jealous because I look at it this way- the higher my web is vibrating on positive things and positive energy the more successful I will be also.

I couldn't be more proud of my friends, all of them, for being amazing people. I don't get jealous, I get proud. There is no point in life to harnessing any kind of ill-will towards anyone else. You want people to be happy for you when good things happen right? Then you have to be truly happy for them in return.

You have to be good to get good.

So introducing the MV I just worked on with Christina Perri. Stacey Tookey did the Choreography + I was her assistant. I loved working with the most amazing dancers ever- peter, allison, kathryn, eboni, chantel, and chelsea. Take a sneaker peaker~

thank you for all your kind wishes while i tend to my mommma in the hospital.
sorry I have not been writing.
for my sake, go run, jump, kartwheel and roll around.
get the heck off the internet and go spend time with the people you love the most.

jazz hands

Heading home to canada for a few weeks and I remembered that the last time I was in Canada I had the best time with my brother talking about JAZZ HANDS. He is a super funny guy + entertains me to no end. I hope you enjoy.

alone.

see guys? being alone is totally okay. having a date with your dog on friday night and being excited about an early bed time and a nice hot shower is totally ok. Even if the whole world would think you are a loser...you are not a loser...you are just alone.

We Move Forward.

loyalty is THE thing. but, as you you know... YOUR loyalty and your standards for yourself are not followed by others. this is how it works. you live your life YOUR way. and that is how you derive satisfaction... it is SO disappointing when others don't live up to those standards... but try and remember they are YOUR standards. everyone else has their own agenda. and are looking out for themselves.

i just think you are actually on it.
you just don't see it.
you are in control of 'IT"
your destiny.
your life
your script.
you write it.
u receive the information.
you digest it.
you process it.
you determine how it will make you feel.
YOU.

you can choose to change your course slightly... if it is something to learn from.
but if it is not something you feel is criticism you can use, fuck it.
let it go.
and continue to move.
it's all we have as artists.

we digest. and navigate. and create our experiences to be amazing.
for us.
and we don't get disappointed when the world doesn't give us what we gave it.
we give because that is the way we feel complete.
don't expect the same from anyone else.

When I was a little girl my mom used to sing me James Taylor's "you've got a friend" as a lullaby. I always remember one line from that song


They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them

The most important thing you can do for yourself when things go wrong and you lose it all is to try your very hardest not to lose yourself. Especially in the line of work I do, it is easy, when you face disappointment to forget the light that shines from inside you. We work and work and work and with every rejection that light fades, just a little. Even people like me who seemingly have so much to be bright about feel that way. Sometimes you just feel your insides die a little.

You just have to try so hard to not let other peoples opinion's of you, affect your opinion about yourself, your talents and your dreams.

It's nearly impossible, and might be the reason I spent most of my day in tears. Sometimes people just break you down, and you just have to lay around broken until a fresh new days starts and you are feeling a little stronger.

I wish so badly I could tell you that courage and passion and hard work always pay off, but right now I am in the middle of wondering if I wasted ten years of my life.

Thinking about becoming a librarian now.

Biggest most exciting news ever!

I searched and searched for the perfect publisher for my book. I took meetings and talked to people who thought the book was perfect and twice as many meeting with people who thought the book was crap. I was offered a deal with Chris from Deadxstop and sat on it for a few months until one day I let go of my fear of actually putting this out into the world and said yes.

I am so happy to be working with the amazing christopher gutierrez. I have an amazing editor and team behind this story and I am thrilled!

Just yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night and emailed my editor. Wait! This whole thing is total crap, we have to start over, this is the worst book ever... and what she said to me was this...

"And it's not a piece of shit, I'd tell you :) I don't have any knowledge of the dance world and it drew me in and made me want to find out more. Plus, woman to woman, reading about your relationship stories, I was thinking things like "OMG! I KNOW!" I think you're going to love how it turns out :) "

So here I am going through with it despite all of my fears and officially announcing that in Oct you will be able to order my book "rockettes, rockstars and rockbottom".
This week I did an amazing photo shoot with the very talented lindsay rosenberg for the book. I personally want to thank each and everyone of you for reading, giving me a push, being excited about this project and for your support. I couldn't have done it without you.

There are all kinds of plans in the works- book tour, release, pre-order specials and I will let you know as soon as I know! yay!

oxkc

telling lies.

"There comes a point where you can't make any more excuses for yourself and you know, in the deepest part of your soul, that you are not okay. It is a hard place to get to because it is so easy, when you're used to faking it, to lie, even to yourself.  I convinced myself over and over that I was fine but time and time again, my actions disproved this.  Telling lies to other people is unfair and cruel.  Telling lies to yourself and believing them, is borderline psychotic." -Rockettes, Rockstars + Rockbottom

I am pretty sure that none of us have any idea just how special we really are.

Or we would spend a whole lot more time giving ourselves giant hugs celebrating all the things that we are instead of beating ourselves up over all the things we are not.

I am perfectly imperfect.

Sometimes having a fearless heart means getting that nauseous feeling in your stomach at the thought of losing something, and then pushing forward anyway knowing that one day there is a very good chance that you will be hurt...because what if you don't lose this time?

full out. fear less.

ps. Photo courtesy of discountdance.com- the BIGGEST online dance store has just picked up select pieces from my sugar and bruno signature series and items will be available in the next few weeks! SOOOOO thrilled. There is NOTHING a red booty short + a fearless tank cannot fix. nothing.

I realized this week what having your dreams come true really means.

When I was a little girl I had a dream that one day I would grow up and be a Radio City Rockette. I worked my whole life to have that dream come true. It did. For the last 5 years I have spent each xmas kicking and sharing joy through my work as a Rockette.

I want to remind everyone that just because your dream comes true, it doesn't mean that life ever gets easier. In fact, sometimes it gets harder because people expect more from you. If you find your way to the top, the only way to go is down, or to kick, scream and fight like a killer to stay at the top.

You can get a job kicking.
A record deal.
A national campaign.
A scholarship to the best school.
A gold medal.

And none of it will really be yours, because just as fast as someone gave it to you they can take it away.
I spend two days fighting like hell for a job I've had for 5 years.

Sweat, Blood and Blisters. The only way I know how.
I cannot explain the amount of courage it takes to tap alone in a room where almost everyone is waiting for you to fail. They want to be right that they placed you here at this last ditch try and the other girls want you to be less stellar than they are. It is impossible to explain what walking into the middle of the floor feels like when you are trying to hold your head high and your shoulders back when every ounce of your disappointment, insecurities and failure threatens to pull you into a crying heap of tears on the floor.

ARMY, we cannot ever give up. WE gotta get up, dust off our souls and keep going. If you give up they win. YOU HAVE TO WIN.

because you are you.
and i believe in you.

someone told me today that the one you are supposed to be with is the one you will be willing to give it all up for.

all that will matter is you and them.


I suppose that I have taken what fate has given me and it is this undying passion + obsession with my work. I love it. I am in love with it. Everyone keeps giving me advice on balance and having it all and mixing love and work, and what really makes a life worth living.

I am learning to accept that maybe I do not want balance.
Maybe the only balance I want is during piruettes and arabesques.

I love what I do, and I am not sure that I will ever love someone enough to want to give it all up.

sorry.

Have you ever had a truth inside you that was eating you alive?
That truth is going to really hurt someone you really care about.

Those are the kinds of days that are the hardest.

You have to tell the truth, because it is the right thing to do.
The truth you tell is causing pain to someone I love. I have to watch those tears well up in their eyes, and I know that from now on, no matter what I say, what kind of love is shared between the two of us, or even my very best intentions that in that instant that the truth spilled out of my mouth onto the table at the 101 in between our breakfast and the smell of you on my skin, that I had fallen off my pedestal.

there is no easy way out of that one is there?

The worst part about it for me, is that this truth, it makes me realize what a terrible person I am, and that does not affect my opinion on it at all. I am totally 100% okay with being this person.

I am not however okay with hurting anyone. Sometimes when you are in a situation like the one I am in, the best thing is to just tell the truth, do the hurting and hope for the best. Hope that the universe has some elaborate plan to make it all okay. That my dad was wrong when he said, "baby girl you cannot have it all at the same time"

I know my dad is right.
I know that I will really regret this.
I know that I will still do it.

how do you measure, measure a year?

equality.

California did something really right this week.

Equality is such a great concept and yet even in our regular lives a challenge to accept for me accepting the gay community is as easy as telling you my favorite sandwich is pb + j. It is just part of who I am, growing up in the dance world from a tiny little age I never realized that there was a supposed difference in the rank of human based on their sexuality. We were all just dancers. We are all just people.

I believe that love is love is love. Love is universal. Love In English equals love in Germany equals love in 1963 equals love between your mom and dad equals the love I feel for my dog equals love in 2043 equals love for the planet equals love between two people, no matter who they are.

Love is just love. It is an unstoppable magical force that you and I do not get to understand, tame or control. Love is simply love.

We only have a few short milisections on the planet and we should all fight to love each other, allow each other to love and to educate each other on love.

Equality for all.

Seems fitting that everyone in LA is celebrating this amazing feat of standing up for Gay rights by going to Hollywood bowl to see RENT. Rent the musical was one of the very first pop-culture iconic medias that embraced the story of love between anyone. Straight, gay, or the love able cross-dressing character Angel.
Rent is my most favorite musical of all time. It is strong, brilliant and beautiful. There is a reason that the world completely embraced Jonathan Larson's brilliance.

NO DAY BUT TODAY.

will they hate me for all the choices I made?

They say time heals all wounds. I have to agree.

Maybe an "us" only exists in a particular space and time.
I know that we were an us.
I know when I saw you today we were just us...separately.

I couldn't imagine sleeping next to your skin,
I can't remember why I thought you were so beautiful.


It was the same feeling I felt when I first left home at 18 and spend a year traveling around the world. When I came home to my town, I was expecting the town to be the same way it was when I left, and on the outside it had stayed the same, same trees, same streets same canola fields, but nothing as the same. It wasn't because anything had really changed that much, but I had changed. I was different. The way I listened, spoke, thought was different.


That was how I felt today, there were were, your face and my face.
Little ol you and little ol' me, but nothing was the same.
We had nothing in common except that once upon we shared a space and time.

things change, people change.

I won't ever be able to trust you. I am not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone.

But I trust in change. I trust that what ever your situation, that eventually it will change. Your sadness will become happiness. Your hopelessness will become brighter. Your empty days will be full.

Trust me.

my daddy says.

Never take no for an answer. I promise there will be so many people saying no. If at first you do not find success you just have to try, try, try and never ever give up. Keep moving forward with confidence and know that the universe has a big plan for you. It feels heartbreaking to put yourself out there each and everyday to only receive rejection, but there is a reason for that to, we just do not get to know it. Hold you head high and know that you are beautiful, talented and that courage, passion and hard work pay off, but not always the way we want them to.

hold on, good things are coming. I promise.

My dad once told me that you cannot have it all at the same time, and I believe this to be true. A cardinal rule of showbiz is that when your love life is in shambles you are always working and when you finally find peace in your heart that work will be SLOW. SLOW. SLOW. Maybe I cannot have it all, and most of my life I have chosen to be heartsick and working. Right now, I am choosing to revel in my happiness- there is something inside my head that knows something so perfect rarely lasts and so I am happy to enjoy this time while I have it, because soon enough I will be back to being heartsick workaholic.

That is a sad statement spoken from a very happy heart.

create.

Sorry I have been MIA. I have been creating my life + a busy bee. Flew to Atlanta for an audition + then was working till all hours of the night on this little baby. One of the things I have realized in life is that most of the time to opportunity that you really want, won't come to you easily. I grew up wanting to dance in Janet Jackson videos, I figured that one day if I lived in a big enough city that I would get my chance. 10 years later I have never heard about a janet audition.

If I could give you a piece of advice today it would be what I am learning, which is that sometimes if there is something you really want to do, you need to create it. Chasing your dreams is an understatement. For me, I realized after filming a bunch of hosting jobs that my DREAM hosting job did not exist, or that it did but was already taken by Kat Deely. I love dancing, I want my life to exist around the dance world. I am realistic enough to know that I am not the best dancer and that I get rejected just as much as I get hired. I wanted to create a job for myself where I could be in the dance world, be on camera and meet all the people and idols I love the most. I came up with the idea for THE BEAT, a entertainment news TV show about all the dance shows. I've been busy working, filming + writing the pilot episode in hopes that someone will see this and want to pick it up :)



I hope you enjoy it, and I would love any feedback or thoughts on this project.

Mostly, I want to tell you that maybe it is time we all stop chasing our dreams, and instead create our dreams....

what do you want to create?