Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'll get the globe.

i live for moments like this.

"so... you look cute in the morning, just as I would have expected"

Here is the magical thing about life,

there are gonna be times where your heart is so broken you cannot stand alone in the shower long enough to wash your hair without jumping out to call a friend because the loneliness is threatening to move from its place in your throat to somewhere all over the bathroom floor. you will be broken. you will be messy. you will be tactless. you will say the first thing out of your mouth and the last thing out of your heart and nothing will make sense. Your vocabulary will consist of only these words. why+how. during those moments and months you will lose hope that one day you will wake up and your heart will not hurt or that your eyes will not be swollen from crying inside your dreams.

but, I promise you, if you just hang on. keep your chin up and solider on there will be times where you feel like the most perfect, prized thing in the universe. where your dreams match up perfectly with a plus one, and where your vocabulary consists only of the words right+amazing. you will spend hours with someone and none of those hours are enough, as in, there are not enough moments your eyes could be on top each other. Where you will catch yourself smiling and laughing out loud, when no one else is around, simply because your happiness is threatening to burst out of every single cell in your body.

so... thanks to you, past loves, who threw my heart into the battlefield. without you, I am not sure I would be the version of myself I am today. without you, and the tears I cried over you, I would have never known just how lucky I am to feel this way now. I've watched all the movies, I've heard all the songs, I've read all the books. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what boy plus girl is supposed to make, I was completely wrong. That wasn't love, that was me giving love and getting small moments of debatable emotion in return.

The falling out of love is a hellish beast, but I will never be defeated, not when the falling is so delicious. I would break my heart a million times more to feel your hand holding mine.

It all makes sense.
It is all worth it.