Sunday, November 8, 2009

Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.

I have been dreading opening night. The actual opening of the show is the best part of my life. I do not feel the need to do drugs because I greatest drug is simply opening nights. The first time the curtain raises to an arena filled with the energy of 10,000 people-I get high. Maybe this is why in the fallout of so many careers in the entertainment business we see entertainers heading to rehab. Perhaps they are just trying to create forever what can only be experienced once or twice a year. You cannot live at that level of heightened happiness for long period of time because it makes everything else seem meaningless. Makes purpose become a little fuzzy.

The part of opening night I dread is the aftermath, the parties and social interactions. I find it difficult to hang with producers, directors + suits without acting out to try to conceal any part of me that really exists. I put on the "keltie". I usually say something I really regret, not in a mean way, but in a- really obnoxious immature way. Grade nine socially awkward cannot look you in the eye or I will start melting way.

Today we had our final dress rehearsal of the show. It was great to have a few hundred people in the crowd to feed my feet some energy. I also got new NYAC shoes. Shoes are key. They have to fit just right or you are screwed. Which brings me to my next point...

I am starting to believe that there is a place where everyone fits. For instance, my friend D drove over from Toronto to come and see the show today. He's so awesome and I have so much love for him in my heart. He brought me some awesome blue roses and gave them to me after the show. Strictly friend zone. I was so touched because just a week ago we were talking about opening nights, and all the boyfriend/husband goo that goes along with them and how every year on opening night someone gets engaged, someone announces they are preggers, someone gets a 4 ft tall bouquet of flowers (last year this was me, sent by the assistant, should have known :/) and everyone sits around and gushes. Unless you are the one actually getting gushed over this SUCKS. I am dreading the gush. It was so cool that D remembered that I wouldn't have any opening night flowers this season and went out of his way to make me feel special. I spend alot of time thinking about all the things that I do not have. Yet, I am so rich. I have the bestest friends. Maybe I am not meant to have the love in my life come from just one main person. Maybe I am like my show shoes. There is a perfect shoe for each situation. You gotta have the boot for when it gets chilly. You have to have a flat tap for lazy days and sometimes you have to have a 3 inch pump with crystals on the toes. It seems like no matter where I go I am never alone. I am only ever alone in my head. I need to get out of my head and dance a few counts of eight in my strong, awesome, independent, fearless shoes for a while and stop caring so much.

Easier said than done EH?

I cannot help but feel the way I feel because when you meet someone who literally takes your breath away. Then you have to act like you are totally unaffected by the fact that they have completely altered the inner workings of your heart and that when they kiss you you feel as though small balloons and streamers might come bursting out of your heart Macy's thanksgiving day parade style. I find this to be very difficult. I have a hard time dealing with the person I am supposed to be and the person I actually am. Someone once said to me "just be you baby." That seems like it should be something rally easy to do. Am I the only person having trouble with this?