Sunday, November 22, 2009

You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint.

I had scared him I suppose, maybe the fact that I did not want to FOLLOW him around anymore made me unattractive. Maybe the fact that I had learned to take care of myself, moved myself into Manhattan and had fallen back into my career fill force had freaked him out.

I had begun to have my own money, career, and life again. I rarely needed his help and I suppose that made me ugly. It bummed me out that he liked the tragic, messy, depressed version of myself better. I had been working so hard on reinventing myself. Learning from my mistakes and healing that I never imagined that at some point it would become unattractive. One would think that not being a drunk, bloated, belligerent fool would be a good thing. I guess it gave his ego a run for it's money. He realized that he needed to grow up too, and get his shit together.

Musicians are always vague. They live in this vague place which is neither here nor there. Their opinions on most everything that does not have to do with music or the music business is always ho-hum. The time they go to bed and the time they wake up are always in the vicinity of the next 24 hours. The way they feel, or don’t feel is always up for interpretation. They live in a village of a thousand little nowheres. I would try to pin prick where I belonged in it all with him. Keltietown was no where to be found on his map. I was just someone he picked up along the way, who was broken, sad, and would tell him he was great enough times a day to keep him going. When I started using some of my “greats” on myself, there were less in his tank and I was no longer needed. He filed me in his to do books- right next to things he can be vague with and made me a sub chapter in the least important part of his story. I wasn’t happy with this anymore. I got out.

From: R+R+R Part Two: The unknown

Listen to this:

I used to be a fool and wait around and try to make things, that that we so obviously not working, work. Sadly, a great work ethic only works when it comes to dancing for me. Unfortunately for us, I am all over the place being awesome, it makes it very hard to connect with people. That, or I am doomed to be alone forever. Like Rachel sings though, it isn't about geography or happenstance (anything that happens suddenly or by chance without an apparent cause). It is about him and me and the fact I am pretty sure he has no idea that I am even alive. How are you supposed to try to make someone fall in love with you when you cannot even make them notice you are breathing?