Thursday, November 12, 2009

I have been working so hard finishing up my book. I've been working on this part, which at times is very difficult to write. Have you ever felt like this?

"I would make excuses that this was the best possible situation because I could work my tail off and not be distracted by him. I was distracted, of course, I thought about him constantly. Hoping that I would make it to the end of some audition that was cool enough in his “cool” books. Hoping that I could be a part of something that would somehow make me good enough for him in everyones eyes. I was living in the greatest building in Manhattan, in the midst of the hippest neighborhood, I had just returned from LA where I had been choreographer John Legends newest music video, I was a part of New York City’s most treasured dance troupe the Rockettes, my dance blog was receiving almost 10,000 hits a week. No matter what I did or accomplished I had to fake self- esteem. I put it on in the morning along with my make-up. I forced myself to act strong, confident, and in control. I was none of the things. My heart and my head were constantly duking it out. Sometimes my guts would get involved. They could not agree on what I should be doing with my life, my career or my heart. I had built too much to stand around and watch it fall apart so I did what I always did, I smiled, I skipped and I sucked it up. I worked harder. I exhausted myself in every aspect of life, making it work. I refused to fail. I refused to ask for help. I refused to believe that I was anything special and instead worked overtime to create the image to anyone that might be looking in, that I was."

-From Rockettes, Rockstars + Rockbottom