Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The designated waiting area.

I am waiting for patiently in the designated waiting area. So when you are ready, please come and put me in your arms.

There is a line I wrote recently that says : Learning to live alone was impossibly heartbreaking. Now, I have been "living" alone for quite a bit of time now, but, we never really are alone are we? For the time after a breakup you live with the ghost of the past. It sits on your shoulder and clouds your heart with a little gloom at all times. At some point the gloomy days go away and you find yourself walking on the street and instead of thinking, I wonder what the future will hold? When will I feel okay again? instead you think: Wow I am so alone right now. I can almost bet that not one person is thinking about me right now. But, I feel really great and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for me. Learning to live alone is hard. Living alone is not so bad.

I have been feeling that way as of late. Being an "A" type personality I like rules, lists and titles. I have been trying to shed as much of this skin as I can and learn that free time is called free time because you are free from the rules, lists and titles. I have been trying to become more accepting of just where I am and what I have each moment. My life is anything but normal- but I am learning that in order to not go crazy I have to give up trying to create normal everyday things inside my timetable. The timing is just so wrong for me. I think I am just meant to shuffle off to buffalo tomorrow, and the 27 other cities after that and focus on having as much fun at all times as I can. I hung out last night with one of my favorite dreamers. We hit every fun nerdy hot spot in Toronto. We danced. We sang Tiffany hits from the 80's. We played on the streetcars. I spent the whole night being in the moment instead of somewhere inside my head, like I normally am. It was amazing. I can always count on my friends for awesome hospitality when I roll through town randomly.

Listen, you can't love someone into loving you back. You cannot even like someone into liking you back. Stop trying. It never works. The only thing we really have control of at any moment is how we allow ourselves to feel about that. It used to make me really sad, and now, I feel liberated. Why try to make a peanut butter sandwich when you have no jelly? Why not just grab a spoon and enjoy a big spoonful of the good stuff for yourself?

There are just a few weeks and a few thousand kicks until Christmas + I know what I am asking for- for everything I just wrote to be the exact opposite and for it to work out, just this one time, for me.