Friday, November 6, 2009

Who will hug you when you lose it all? You.

Today I did 6 interviews. The ranged from a webzine with readers in 30 countries to Entertainment Tonight. We are only a few days from opening night and the Christmas circus is full out. I was caught off guard today when one reporter mentioned that he was an avid reader of my blog and had re-read parts of my last entry to me and commented that he did not think that I sounded very happy. He wanted to know if the fact that I have to sacrifice so many things to do this job, if it was worth it.

My response was something like this.

I am a dancer, woman, artist, athlete and human. Anyone who is successful in life knows that great accomplishments require great sacrifice. There are so many things I miss out on because I have chosen to follow this crazy career path but I would never ever have it any other way. I love what I do. Sometimes I get sad about the things that I cannot have because I was one of the very few lucky people that gets to have their dreams come true, but those moments are so fleeting. There is time for everything, and the time for dance is now. The time for all the other things will be later. My Christmas does not involve family dinners, or mornings around the tree in the house I grew up in. Last year 4 of my best girls and I ran around a random hotel singing felis navidad at the top of our lungs in footed pj's while I played my recorder...

As far as not having anyone to send me opening night flowers or to tuck me in at night. The time will come for me. Of course, when I walk into the dressing room Monday and the room is covered in beautiful blooms from husbands and boyfriends-I will wish it was me. I fully plan on just stealing one rose from each girls spot and making my own bouquet! I cannot expect anyone to jump on a bandwagon that goes like this

"Hey, I would like to date you every 4 weeks in a random city. I would like all your emotional love and support over the phone for the 28 days in between visits, and you will get almost nothing in return expect me complaining about ice baths and sore feet. I might make one funny joke but do not count on it. If you do want to go out, you will have to spend at least 14 hours on a plane round trip to do so. You will also have to be okay with being judged by a cast and crew of over 150 people when you as seen anywhere with me and TRUST ME they are judging..."

I am a complex puzzle of a person. Most days I am not sure if I am coming or if I am going. I sort of love that. In my second interview of the day I had a really kind man from Montreal with a very strong Quebecois accent said to me:

"How does someone who I can only describe by saying the words "Did Everything" still find it inside of them self to work so hard?"

Maybe I work hard because I do not have anything else. Maybe you get to a certain point in life and you realize that the only thing that people cannot take away from you is yourself. We all have to be prepared to lose it all. We cannot control anything in this life but what we do with what we have. I have my body, my heart, a small piece of talent, drive, determination, a cup of tea made in this hotel coffee maker and Regina Spektor tunes blasting from my speakers. It seems to me that there are many people running around this life, spending large amounts of time and energy collecting things that are easy to lose. I was once this girl. I refuse to lose anything else. You can take my heart, my home, my money, my 401k (damn you stock market!), my favorite pair of shoes but you can never take my dance. Even if no one wants to watch, if I never book a job again- I will always be able to stand in the middle of the street and give you a mean 5,6,7,8. No one can take that away.

You can get one of the rad DANCER cuffs from helps me remember who I am when I forget.