the perks of being a wallflower.

I have this feeling, and you might to, that these passages sum up all of me in just a few short words. Maybe that is what makes a great book, song, or blog entry...great. The ability for the reader/listener to trade places with the characters and, for once, be able to explain EXACTLY what happened.

I have jumped around the truth for months and now finally I feel like I do not have to be the one to tell the story, I can just let you read this, and you might see me, or you inside. I swear I have never felt more okay than I did reading this book.

"you see things. you keep quiet about them. and you understand"

"all I cared about was the fact that sam got really hurt, and I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her, because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter."



"Its like he would take a photograph of sam and the photograph would be beautiful. And he would think the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. If I took it I know the only reason it was beautiful was because of sam. "

I would like to replace the word 'picture' with 'song'. My song, the one about the moon and sun, it was beautiful because it was true. It happened. Yes, it was beautifully written, but that is not what made it beautiful. I was waiting for someone to explain to me how that works. Thank you Charlie.



"It was an old 45 record that had the Beatles song “someting". I used to listen to it all the time when I was little and thinking about grown up things. I would go to my bedroom window and stare at my reflection in the glass and the trees behind it and just listen to the song for hours, I decided then that when I met someone I thought was as beautiful as the song, I should give it to that person, And I didn't mean beautiful on the outside. I meant beautiful in all ways. So, I was giving it to Sam."

I miss the Beatles so much. Christina promises me that they come back. I am still not so sure. I seem to have everything back except them. Maybe I have none of it back, my mom says I am acting crazy. I cannot help it. How do you silence your heart?

and finally..

"She wanted to see him to have some closure and I guess she was lucky enough to get it because Craig was nice enough to tell her that she was right to break up with him. And that she was a special person. And that he was sorry and wished her well. It’s strange the times people choose to be generous.
The best part was that sam didn't ask him about the girls he might be dating even though she wanted to know. She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time."






amen.

My head's lost but I'm heartstrong

I am stuck with a problem.

And you've been trying to pick me up like a ghost from the past
But you found that it's hard with your blood stained hands



I am standing in the middle of a street and on one side is this person who no matter what I do still creeps under neath my skin whenever I become even a little bit weak. In unfairness of it all, I still ask the question "how is it humanly possible to be as happy as you seem?" There is this great line that says " I hope you are as happy as your pretending." I find myself wishing happiness for everyone around me and, in my most selfish moments also kinda hoping it isn't true. I wish that everything I did not want to see on a regular basis just got sucked into a giant black hole, I want this happiness to be in some alternative universe where I never have to see it. Regardless, this side of the street is like the scar I have on my legs from a long ago ice skating incident, a vivid reminder that I am human, I can get hurt, cut and eventually will heal-But there will always be that big red scar there. Every time I look down I am reminded to not skate on thin ice. Literally + figuratively.

One the other side of the street there is this something wonderful. Something shiny and new. Something tall, and sweet and gorgeous. Makes me want to run and skip and dance. But for the life of me I cannot figure out if I am skipping because they are in fact wonderful, or if I am just so used to feeling like my heart is garbage day in New York City that it amplifies the wonderful-ness. I guess that time will tell, unless of course, I get to scared and run away- My very favorite past time...

There is a alot of me that feels like making turns to the right and the left are both giant mistakes. I am seriously thinking that maybe walking straight and taking my chances with the oncoming traffic is a safer bet. I can deal with the pain of broken limbs but I am terrified of doing anything to shatter my heart.


Teddy Knows what I am talking about...

Thank you.

In the middle of the 12 hour travel day on American thanksgiving I got thinking about what it means to be thankful and what I am thankful for: Now, Canadian thanksgiving was weeks ago, and I was so busy opening the show that i never really spent much time reflecting. I got to spend my thanksgiving dinner listening to amazing blues in Memphis. Totally not your typical dinner, but I loved it because these girls were with me.

I am so thankful for all the events of this year. I am thankful for the universe for pulling me out of my comfort zone and then giving me the strength to really reinvent my life. I was living someone else's life and helping them be successful and focused, when I stopped doing that, and started helping myself be successful look at what happened! This has truly been the most amazing year of my life. I got to do a duet with Mel B! (nothing else really mattered after this)...I am so thankful for my handful of amazing friends who have let me cry + given me tough love. I think that a really great lesson to learn for us hopeless romantics is that, we want so badly to have someone walking beside us, but if we stop and look around, we might see that we already have the most amazing people walking with us. Diamonds are meaningless, Promises are lies, but I really believe that if you have been my friend since I have been 5 years old that we have made it over the hump that we might lose each other at some point- I am mostly for my friend Melissa because when I text her late at night “I am lonely” before I go to bed, she always replies, right away with things like this:

“ of course you are lonely my dear friend but your life is good. Your career is red hot. You look more fab than ever. Trust me, those people who left you alone already know what they lost. Revel in the fact that you have the bravery to stay beautiful and forge on!”


Sometimes we need our friends to remind us of things that our own self forgets.


I am thankful for the health, and not so health, of my family, and how it has reminded me to make a better attempt at not letting the distance between us affect how many times a week I say I love you to them.

I am so thankful to the cast of peepshow, who met me at very difficult time, and while I was losing my mind, stood beside me and let me find my grounding again. I know I was dramatic, annoying, selfish, and terrible. I was so very, very lost and I am so thankful that they all gave me a second chance once I came around. I am so thankful for Kristen and Carlos, my two besties in Vegas for loving me so much and taking me in when I had no where to go.

I am so thankful to my body for staying strong. Here I am doing my fifth season of Rockettes, amazed that I am still kicking. I am so glad that my brain and my body are on the same team. Each year I get a little older it takes me a little longer to warm-up, and I stay sore a little longer, but I am thankful that I am healthy and still able to do what I love the most.

I am so thankful to my best friends, boobs, spagatti, kesh-may, miss. loftiss, shushu, mel, mccheese + zaza for being my sidekicks in life.

I am so thankful for my pup Hobo. When my heart was laying over the floor she would get out of bed sniff around and look up at me with her beautiful eyes and say to me “ I think we should put this back together now” I love her for that. I am so very thankful to her dad for giving her to me. I am thankful to my families at both Dance Spirit + Sugar and Bruno (Esp. Commander Steve seen here with my first new Fearless hoodie!) for taking chances on me and setting me up for success.

I am thankful for fresh strawberries, fresh starts and the fresh blood swishing around in my heart.

I am so thankful for you. Yes you. I never in my life believed half of the things that happened this year would happen. So many of you wrote in I got the Dance Spirit cover, because of that cover I got my clothing line and because of that clothing line so many more doors opened. You are so good to me, I read every email, every comment and every tweet. I love my little army and I only hope that my daily words can instill even a little of the peace and hope that you have placed into mine. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. I will not let you down.

I am also really thankful for peanut butter.

forgive and forget you a thousand times.

I handed over my baby (my book) to my dear friend Christina Perri this week. You know her. You love her. She is one of the very few people's opinions that I trust. She knows good from bad. Many years ago when I dated her brother she turned this ballet prep school weirdo into some semblance of a rocker-chick seamlessly overnight. She is the coolest girl I know. I wanted some feedback. I wanted to know what pieces were missing. She came through with flying colors. I think this is really funny:

So wrote me some notes and here are a few-

"Yagger bomb is actually: Jägerbomb"

I have a hard time spelling tomorrow-What do you expect?

Does Slash drink scotch? I feel like he only drinks jack. I could be totally wrong.

Yup. Slash is in my book...and you thought you knew me? I bet you are all dying to know how. Can't tell. C.Perri is the only person on the planet that would remember what Slash was drinking. I find this so funny.


Side Note for you: I stopped listening to my favorite band, The Beatles, as well for a very long time. Which is strange because I made them MY life. I want to be a Beatles historian. I pray to John and George. *&^$#& took them away from me, too. But I listen to them everyday again and have something of theirs hanging in every corner of my home. They come back. Don’t worry.

In my story I am talking about how powerful music is. How I can directly correlate songs with moments and how sometimes even after you heart has forgotten something, a song can bring you right back to that moment. I love that. I also hate that sometimes. even as I write this, with fresh blood in my heart, I am still totally affected by by those tunes. Just as I hang the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on my hotel room door each night, I also continue to hoard my Beatles collection in the "DO NOT PLAY" folder of itunes. There are some things you never get back- but Chris's words give me hope, that maybe, one day, they will....

It just does not get better than this.

“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.”

-Garrison Keillor

You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint.

I had scared him I suppose, maybe the fact that I did not want to FOLLOW him around anymore made me unattractive. Maybe the fact that I had learned to take care of myself, moved myself into Manhattan and had fallen back into my career fill force had freaked him out.

I had begun to have my own money, career, and life again. I rarely needed his help and I suppose that made me ugly. It bummed me out that he liked the tragic, messy, depressed version of myself better. I had been working so hard on reinventing myself. Learning from my mistakes and healing that I never imagined that at some point it would become unattractive. One would think that not being a drunk, bloated, belligerent fool would be a good thing. I guess it gave his ego a run for it's money. He realized that he needed to grow up too, and get his shit together.

Musicians are always vague. They live in this vague place which is neither here nor there. Their opinions on most everything that does not have to do with music or the music business is always ho-hum. The time they go to bed and the time they wake up are always in the vicinity of the next 24 hours. The way they feel, or don’t feel is always up for interpretation. They live in a village of a thousand little nowheres. I would try to pin prick where I belonged in it all with him. Keltietown was no where to be found on his map. I was just someone he picked up along the way, who was broken, sad, and would tell him he was great enough times a day to keep him going. When I started using some of my “greats” on myself, there were less in his tank and I was no longer needed. He filed me in his to do books- right next to things he can be vague with and made me a sub chapter in the least important part of his story. I wasn’t happy with this anymore. I got out.

From: R+R+R Part Two: The unknown

Listen to this:


I used to be a fool and wait around and try to make things, that that we so obviously not working, work. Sadly, a great work ethic only works when it comes to dancing for me. Unfortunately for us, I am all over the place being awesome, it makes it very hard to connect with people. That, or I am doomed to be alone forever. Like Rachel sings though, it isn't about geography or happenstance (anything that happens suddenly or by chance without an apparent cause). It is about him and me and the fact I am pretty sure he has no idea that I am even alive. How are you supposed to try to make someone fall in love with you when you cannot even make them notice you are breathing?

Live from the dave cave.

Last week I was so happy to have some old friends at the show in Ottawa. Chris + TL are BAD ASS ballroom dancers + were on ships when I was on them when I was a little 18 yr old! They were awesome friends to me, and it was amazing to see them. TL hosts a Tv show and they got to sit in the media box for the show + had an awesome view of this end girl stage right! Check out this fun video for clips of the friends, and then a bunch of closeups of me from the show! Very fun. Friends are the best!






I cannot figure out if I am coming or going. Seems like at some point each day I am curled up in the bus for numerous hours. I am somewhere inside some giant arena looking for some tea. I am dragging my giant suitcase into a random hotel room. I am wondering what day it is, what city I am in, and how long it is until my next day off. I feel as though I have lost a little bit of my mind-So please excuse when I don't do my research and make a wah wah. I got a nice wake up call this morning when yesterday on what is better known as "FF" I made a slight mistake. Someone out there is using "team keltie" as "team harass people". I hate that. First of all, I don't call names, not even to people that I really want to call names.

There is one person I hate on the entire planet, just one, and they don't even know, because I am not even mean enough to tell them. I just silently know that she is an awful, horrible, gross person and let it be. Every else gets, love, understanding, and peace from me-even people that you would not think that I would give it to. We have to be kind to everyone. It is just one of the written rules of the planet.

I think ellen said it best:

" The cracks in your heart let the sun shine through. I see humor is alot of things. I a also sad alot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things. Laugh. Cry. You are not supposed to shove your feelings under the rug. I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes, especially in this business. I am not a depressed person but I am saddened by how people treat each other and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is we are one connected thing. We are all from the same molecules."

and

"I want people to like me, but not at my expense. I just learned that there are too many people who are going to have an opinion about me whether I am kind to them or not. When something goes wrong instead of running from it I look at it and go, what's my part in it? What is my responsibility?"

Note to you:

Never ever forget how great you are. You are something totally special to someone. It is 100% enough to be important to just a small little group of people. World domination is a really nice idea but an endless to-do list is not so nice. Someone asked me in an interview recently, what is the best advice that I would give to anyone. This is it:

Be you. Be the very best version of yourself that you can manage. Don't spend your life trying to be anything else. You don't need to change your face-your face is beautiful. You don't need to dress like everyone else-I like you just as much in your pajamas and comfy socks. Life is simple if you keep it simple.

Do not fabricate or place expectations on anyone else but yourself. It will only lead to disappointment. You can only expect the very best from yourself, because that it the only thing that you can really control. Everyone else is a gamble. Save your money for buying loose leaf tea + good books instead. Give people love, but do not empty your bank- You have to keep enough love in your own heart to stay full. The people who are worth it will stick around- the people who don't stick will stick somewhere else, and that is just the way it goes.

Look up! We are small and our time is short. You are so beautiful. I mean it.

The designated waiting area.

I am waiting for patiently in the designated waiting area. So when you are ready, please come and put me in your arms.


There is a line I wrote recently that says : Learning to live alone was impossibly heartbreaking. Now, I have been "living" alone for quite a bit of time now, but, we never really are alone are we? For the time after a breakup you live with the ghost of the past. It sits on your shoulder and clouds your heart with a little gloom at all times. At some point the gloomy days go away and you find yourself walking on the street and instead of thinking, I wonder what the future will hold? When will I feel okay again? instead you think: Wow I am so alone right now. I can almost bet that not one person is thinking about me right now. But, I feel really great and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for me. Learning to live alone is hard. Living alone is not so bad.

I have been feeling that way as of late. Being an "A" type personality I like rules, lists and titles. I have been trying to shed as much of this skin as I can and learn that free time is called free time because you are free from the rules, lists and titles. I have been trying to become more accepting of just where I am and what I have each moment. My life is anything but normal- but I am learning that in order to not go crazy I have to give up trying to create normal everyday things inside my timetable. The timing is just so wrong for me. I think I am just meant to shuffle off to buffalo tomorrow, and the 27 other cities after that and focus on having as much fun at all times as I can. I hung out last night with one of my favorite dreamers. We hit every fun nerdy hot spot in Toronto. We danced. We sang Tiffany hits from the 80's. We played on the streetcars. I spent the whole night being in the moment instead of somewhere inside my head, like I normally am. It was amazing. I can always count on my friends for awesome hospitality when I roll through town randomly.



Listen, you can't love someone into loving you back. You cannot even like someone into liking you back. Stop trying. It never works. The only thing we really have control of at any moment is how we allow ourselves to feel about that. It used to make me really sad, and now, I feel liberated. Why try to make a peanut butter sandwich when you have no jelly? Why not just grab a spoon and enjoy a big spoonful of the good stuff for yourself?

There are just a few weeks and a few thousand kicks until Christmas + I know what I am asking for- for everything I just wrote to be the exact opposite and for it to work out, just this one time, for me.

Sugar + Spice = hold onto your nice.

I was writing on the bus today and I was thinking about what it means to be nice. People like to define me as "nice". I hope that one day the universe creates a way to be both "nice" and not get walked on because of it. It makes me sad when the evil people-who are selfish and ugly inside always seem to get ahead. What if what kind of car you got to drive and what magazine covers you were on were based only on what kind of person you were? If the idols in the media, and in the world, we based on the goodness of peoples souls? I can almost bet that most of the people we hear about on daily basis would be obsolete. I am learning, with each passing minute to not be so nice. Or really, to keep my nice in a bank and only lend it out, and give it out to people who really deserve it. It is really tough sometimes because I have this inner need to fix, help, save everyone. I am learning to save myself first. To believe people when they show me who they are. To believe that I deserve the best. That action speak louder than words.

Being nice is one thing I suppose, being so nice that I allowed everyone to treat me like garbage was really nice, for everyone else but me.

ET + me.

Today I hung out with my brother + papa in Montreal. They are seeing the show tonight- my brother asked me to be "just slightly off" so he could tell which one was me. Not a chance! Tons of early morning PR with CTV and the CBC and finally got a copy of this little guy!

Entertainment Tonight. enjoy!

I have been working so hard finishing up my book. I've been working on this part, which at times is very difficult to write. Have you ever felt like this?

"I would make excuses that this was the best possible situation because I could work my tail off and not be distracted by him. I was distracted, of course, I thought about him constantly. Hoping that I would make it to the end of some audition that was cool enough in his “cool” books. Hoping that I could be a part of something that would somehow make me good enough for him in everyones eyes. I was living in the greatest building in Manhattan, in the midst of the hippest neighborhood, I had just returned from LA where I had been choreographer John Legends newest music video, I was a part of New York City’s most treasured dance troupe the Rockettes, my dance blog was receiving almost 10,000 hits a week. No matter what I did or accomplished I had to fake self- esteem. I put it on in the morning along with my make-up. I forced myself to act strong, confident, and in control. I was none of the things. My heart and my head were constantly duking it out. Sometimes my guts would get involved. They could not agree on what I should be doing with my life, my career or my heart. I had built too much to stand around and watch it fall apart so I did what I always did, I smiled, I skipped and I sucked it up. I worked harder. I exhausted myself in every aspect of life, making it work. I refused to fail. I refused to ask for help. I refused to believe that I was anything special and instead worked overtime to create the image to anyone that might be looking in, that I was."

-From Rockettes, Rockstars + Rockbottom

Ouch! Ouch! My feelings!

I am mad.

This beautiful thing we live on called the inter webs is such a tricky place. It leave us all faceless. It makes conversations meaningless because what else do I need to say after you check my facebook, twitter and blog. The question : "What did you do today?" become obsolete.

More than that though I feel like there is a new war out there. It is not a war we fight with guns or solders but something much worse. Words. For an anonymous faceless screen name out there in inter webs land there are no consequences for cruelty. Sadly, this leads these people to run free with hate. I know I am not alone in the hateful online bashing, and whether we deserve it or not these things follow us forever.

I believe that everyone is allowed to have an opinion. Opinions are good. They make life interesting. What is not good is when people think that their right to an opinion is also their right to bash other living, breathing human beings. That is not an opinion. That is cruel and unnecessary hatred.

This week I was thrilled when I was chosen to chat live with the world as the official Twitter Rockette! What was not so thrilling is when the PR people who were reading me the tweets were bombarded with hateful messages for me over and over again from the SAME lamely named scree name. Not only does this reflect poorly on me, it wasted precious time that I could have been using to answer honest dance + Rockette fans questions about the show. I have no problem with you not liking me-I am not every one's cup of green tea. But it is 2009 people, really, are we still harassing me like it was 2006? Unfair.

Worse yet, is when I see people commenting on what a terrible dancer I am and that their little 8 year old sister could do better. I challenge all of you to a danceoff. I am serious. Come out behind your screen name and anonymous computer life and let's go. Kick for kick and turn for turn. Then let's place our resumes side by side and see who has more credits, more jobs and more friends who love them and think they are the cats meow in this industry. Biggest lesson you need to learn: Talent is about 10% of dancelife. Really. I know that I am not the greatest dancer technically, however, the other 90% of having a really kickass dance career is drive, determination, being KIND to people, having a positive attitude, and having enough of the people who matter like you and want to hire you over and over again.

It is one thing to insult my nose, my spelling, my choice of clothes, my choice of music, who I date, who I don't date ect. Do not even go near my career. It is all I have and all I am.

And while you are at it you can stop harassing my friends. Like this woman. In the 15 plus years I have known her I have never heard her say anything bad about any other human. She is kind. Original. Kickass. She has been so supportive of me. Supportive of everyone around her. She deserves ALL the stars that are coming her way. If you are not touched by her work than you obviously have no heart.



Life is short. There are way better things to do with your time than read crappy gossip sites. There are better truths out there than the ones anonymous are spreading around. Negativity is a wildfire, it spreads rapidly once it is ignited. Choose love. Choose peace. Choose to see the things that you might not like, and try to understand them. Be compassionate towards others. Everybody is someones best friend. Someones sister. The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.

Now I will got eat ketchup chips until I feel less mad.

“If you and I are having a single thought of violence or hatred against anyone in the world at this moment, we are contributing to the wounding of the world...”

Deepak Chopra

"I had given it all up to begin again at the beginning. Who did I want to be. What did I want to do? Who would be my one to love?
Quintessence. I waited on the possibility of a spark. My one extravagant heart's desire to live large, to find love, to know joy.
The mystery of geography is that you can both find and lose yourself in the latitudes familiar and strange. We stumbled into romance with few questions, knew what was necessary to know, and hoped, yes, hoped that the best was yet to come. " - Glenda Burgess

Never is a promise + you can't afford to lie.

I ponder the effects of luck and disaster on the human heart. As a child I had no real awareness of the human fragility, but I absolutely knew that shooting stars pirouetted across the universe. Life, my search for truth, seemed dusted by a dash of magic.

Only now in the wake of fortune, do I truly understand.

It's so easy to misconstrue even the tiniest words & actions when your attempting such a fragile part of a relationship with thousands of miles between the two of you. When it comes down to it, he has to work harder than he would if I were just up the street to keep me. I've got 31 cities full of people I am going to interact with in the next two months & if he wants you to keep that "reserved" sign on my heart for him, he better be absolutely sure & make it absolutely clear.

I would like to thank my wonderful friend shushu for being the most amazing woman I know. If you do not follow her blog http://shuflyeyehigh.blogspot.com/ you should. She is brilliant. She is the best person to bounce ideas of off. She says such epic stuff at 3 am that I cannot even begin to write it all down. I wish I lived in a perpetual time frame of 3 am's so that I could just hear her rationalize life for me. She makes sense in a way that most things do not.

She said to me last night:
"So you want a disclaimer up front to know what you're getting into and if it's worth it...
What sucks is that if you get lied to in the disclaimer...you're screwed and you're really angry because you gave your's and you stuck to it like glue...and you said, in black and white bold font size 32 print "do not break my heart." and they said okay and signed at the dotted and then changed their mind."

Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.

I have been dreading opening night. The actual opening of the show is the best part of my life. I do not feel the need to do drugs because I greatest drug is simply opening nights. The first time the curtain raises to an arena filled with the energy of 10,000 people-I get high. Maybe this is why in the fallout of so many careers in the entertainment business we see entertainers heading to rehab. Perhaps they are just trying to create forever what can only be experienced once or twice a year. You cannot live at that level of heightened happiness for long period of time because it makes everything else seem meaningless. Makes purpose become a little fuzzy.

The part of opening night I dread is the aftermath, the parties and social interactions. I find it difficult to hang with producers, directors + suits without acting out to try to conceal any part of me that really exists. I put on the "keltie". I usually say something I really regret, not in a mean way, but in a- really obnoxious immature way. Grade nine socially awkward cannot look you in the eye or I will start melting way.

Today we had our final dress rehearsal of the show. It was great to have a few hundred people in the crowd to feed my feet some energy. I also got new NYAC shoes. Shoes are key. They have to fit just right or you are screwed. Which brings me to my next point...


I am starting to believe that there is a place where everyone fits. For instance, my friend D drove over from Toronto to come and see the show today. He's so awesome and I have so much love for him in my heart. He brought me some awesome blue roses and gave them to me after the show. Strictly friend zone. I was so touched because just a week ago we were talking about opening nights, and all the boyfriend/husband goo that goes along with them and how every year on opening night someone gets engaged, someone announces they are preggers, someone gets a 4 ft tall bouquet of flowers (last year this was me, sent by the assistant, should have known :/) and everyone sits around and gushes. Unless you are the one actually getting gushed over this SUCKS. I am dreading the gush. It was so cool that D remembered that I wouldn't have any opening night flowers this season and went out of his way to make me feel special. I spend alot of time thinking about all the things that I do not have. Yet, I am so rich. I have the bestest friends. Maybe I am not meant to have the love in my life come from just one main person. Maybe I am like my show shoes. There is a perfect shoe for each situation. You gotta have the boot for when it gets chilly. You have to have a flat tap for lazy days and sometimes you have to have a 3 inch pump with crystals on the toes. It seems like no matter where I go I am never alone. I am only ever alone in my head. I need to get out of my head and dance a few counts of eight in my strong, awesome, independent, fearless shoes for a while and stop caring so much.

Easier said than done EH?

I cannot help but feel the way I feel because when you meet someone who literally takes your breath away. Then you have to act like you are totally unaffected by the fact that they have completely altered the inner workings of your heart and that when they kiss you you feel as though small balloons and streamers might come bursting out of your heart Macy's thanksgiving day parade style. I find this to be very difficult. I have a hard time dealing with the person I am supposed to be and the person I actually am. Someone once said to me "just be you baby." That seems like it should be something rally easy to do. Am I the only person having trouble with this?

Some say "our hair is in our eyes" - Some say "we're out of our little minds"

I wake up with the best intentions for happiness. Always. Jump out of bed. Do a kart wheel. Skip to the loo. Some days, my best intentions fall short.

Today is one of those days.



Playgrounds are graveyards
And all of our scars are permanent, permanent
There's no placement for places
I'll always love you, you're mine
Numb is the new high, old memories die out
'Till nothing and nowhere is golden

Who will hug you when you lose it all? You.

Today I did 6 interviews. The ranged from a webzine with readers in 30 countries to Entertainment Tonight. We are only a few days from opening night and the Christmas circus is full out. I was caught off guard today when one reporter mentioned that he was an avid reader of my blog and had re-read parts of my last entry to me and commented that he did not think that I sounded very happy. He wanted to know if the fact that I have to sacrifice so many things to do this job, if it was worth it.



My response was something like this.

I am a dancer, woman, artist, athlete and human. Anyone who is successful in life knows that great accomplishments require great sacrifice. There are so many things I miss out on because I have chosen to follow this crazy career path but I would never ever have it any other way. I love what I do. Sometimes I get sad about the things that I cannot have because I was one of the very few lucky people that gets to have their dreams come true, but those moments are so fleeting. There is time for everything, and the time for dance is now. The time for all the other things will be later. My Christmas does not involve family dinners, or mornings around the tree in the house I grew up in. Last year 4 of my best girls and I ran around a random hotel singing felis navidad at the top of our lungs in footed pj's while I played my recorder...



As far as not having anyone to send me opening night flowers or to tuck me in at night. The time will come for me. Of course, when I walk into the dressing room Monday and the room is covered in beautiful blooms from husbands and boyfriends-I will wish it was me. I fully plan on just stealing one rose from each girls spot and making my own bouquet! I cannot expect anyone to jump on a bandwagon that goes like this

"Hey, I would like to date you every 4 weeks in a random city. I would like all your emotional love and support over the phone for the 28 days in between visits, and you will get almost nothing in return expect me complaining about ice baths and sore feet. I might make one funny joke but do not count on it. If you do want to go out, you will have to spend at least 14 hours on a plane round trip to do so. You will also have to be okay with being judged by a cast and crew of over 150 people when you as seen anywhere with me and TRUST ME they are judging..."

I am a complex puzzle of a person. Most days I am not sure if I am coming or if I am going. I sort of love that. In my second interview of the day I had a really kind man from Montreal with a very strong Quebecois accent said to me:

"How does someone who I can only describe by saying the words "Did Everything" still find it inside of them self to work so hard?"

Maybe I work hard because I do not have anything else. Maybe you get to a certain point in life and you realize that the only thing that people cannot take away from you is yourself. We all have to be prepared to lose it all. We cannot control anything in this life but what we do with what we have. I have my body, my heart, a small piece of talent, drive, determination, a cup of tea made in this hotel coffee maker and Regina Spektor tunes blasting from my speakers. It seems to me that there are many people running around this life, spending large amounts of time and energy collecting things that are easy to lose. I was once this girl. I refuse to lose anything else. You can take my heart, my home, my money, my 401k (damn you stock market!), my favorite pair of shoes but you can never take my dance. Even if no one wants to watch, if I never book a job again- I will always be able to stand in the middle of the street and give you a mean 5,6,7,8. No one can take that away.



You can get one of the rad DANCER cuffs from sugarandbruno.com helps me remember who I am when I forget.

Stage Right End Girl take two

First thing is first. I am WAY behind of designs. Remember when this was supposed to be done months ago? I want to know what you guys think of this hoodie! The arms will have thumb holes. What do you like? What would you change? Do you think Black is the way to go? Let me know. PLEASE. I have been staring at the computer screen for so long I am not even sure that I am making good choices!



My friend once said to me "How you spend your days, is how you spend your life." My job is really, really difficult. I could try to explain it to you and after sitting for hours listening you would most likely still not have an understanding of the mental and physical strains I place on myself. I could try to explain how during the 15th kick line of the day when each of my legs burns fire each time I lift it and what it feels like to know that there just is not an option. Kick or Die. Really.

I am terrible at alot of things in life. I am messy. Unrealistic. Terrible speller. I eat pretty much only 5 foods consistently. My knitting skills are pretty pathetic. I never pick up the phone. I, most likely, won't remember your birthday. I am not really very good at tap dancing.

I am good at some things too. Making people happy. Smiling. Skipping. Enjoying myself. I have a life force that has yet to be matched by many people I have stood beside (with the exception of Miss. Loftiss). I really love what I do. I really love the people I share life with. I am really good at living in the moment. The universe has sent me some HUGE wake up calls as of late about life, expired time and how special and monumental each day is.

I am homeless. I have a suitcase and a PO box and not much else. I do not know what city I will be living in 8 weeks from now. I won't have a job. I don't have a boyfriend, a husband, or even a showmance. I don't have anyone to tuck me in at night or make sure I am okay. I don't have anyone to send me flowers this opening night. I have not seen my best friend in over 2 years. I have not seen my doggie in almost 5 months. My life is in a constant state of unknown. But I do know this. I am so lucky. To be alive. To be here. To be part of the 0.0004% of people who have their childhood dreams come true. I refuse to accept that the way people treat me, both good and bad, is anything less than the greatest gift I could ever receive. I have grown from a scared little seed girl into a beautiful flower woman with lessons from both hate and love. Sometimes the things you do not get are greater gifts than the things you do.

I am so lucky to do what I love, Love what I do and have the best people around me to share it with.