Hi guys. (sigh)
I am leaving the am for a backpacking trip through Thailand tomorrow. I do not own a tv. I don't watch tv. Instead of shows about places, I just go places. Super fun.
I wasn't sure what to write here since I won't see you all again until 2011. I will be somewhere in the air between Toyko + LA when NYE strikes! What an amazingly weird, awesomely heartbreaking, magically loveable, courageous, jumping-in-head-first year I have had.
This is my thought for the end of 2010. Sometimes we get the things we want, and sometime we don't. I want to extend a giant thank you to the people who said no, didn't want to love, sign, publish, hire, or book me this year. I learned more from the no's then I ever did from getting a yes. (note: this is what people who get a lot of no's say to make it seem like it doesn't bug us!- It totally bums me out, always.)
Sometimes we think we want or need something.
When the universe has other plans for us we do what any chick does...
we cry.
chop all of our hair off.
spend $200 bucks at forever 21 because OBVIOUSLY a new tank top will make all of our dissapointments go away.
What I think we can all learn is that sometimes people who are rescuing you are doing it by letting you rescue yourself.
I broke-up with NYC a year ago and moved in with my new squeeze, Mr. Los Angeles. I knew this was a city that ate people alive, turned people sour and made you want to get fake boobs, a BMW and a tan. I am happy to say that I am ending the year with only one of those things (obviously not the boobs~braless+flawless ladies!), in addition to a ton of hope for 2011. I took a giant leap of faith this year by taking this blog and made it into a book, and I am overwhelmed with the love and support for you, your moms, people out there in cyberspace who write me letters that my little project changed their lives...that is, honestly, what matters to me. I feel like I was put on this earth to be a positive tunnel of light for all the rad chicks out there! SO thank you. Seriously. I am humbled at your love.
I thought that I would leave you with the last few passages of "Rockettes, Rockstars + Rockbottom". I have spent the year posting really gnarly pieces about heartbreak, sick people, rejection and making you, your mom, and MY mom cry. I thought I would leave you with the end of the story and an uplifting feeling of trust that the universe gives us exactly what we can handle, nothing more, nothing less.
"When I left home at 18, I wanted to be a dancer. I’m happy to report I succeeded. I also had a clear picture of what my match would look like, and on that end, I haven’t been as successful.
My dad once said to me, “Baby girl, you can have it all, but you can’t have it all at the same time.” So true. I haven’t found my white picket fence. But I like to think that my time spent in the midst of my rock ‘n’ dance life meant something. Sometimes I look back and this story is more like a story I read and not something I actually lived. I can look at pictures and not even recognize myself. I don’t feel like that girl, and maybe that’s why we live through things. We hurt, we heal and we prove to ourselves that we can survive. Even more, we can rise from the adversity that life throws at us. I happened to do it while kicking in a pair of three-inch heels.
I could tell a million more stories. There are more words and more memories, but nothing will ever take the place of being there and alive in the magical moments that were mine. Being backstage at Mötley Crüe and meeting Slash, the more than 150,000 kicks I performed as part of the Rockettes, standing
in France on the side of the stage supporting Dreamer and looking out at the sea of people, knowing this was a once in a lifetime moment. I was there, I lived it. I made huge sacrifices for this life. Sometimes the world crashes down around me, and I wonder if it was all worth it. Other times I know it was.
One of the hardest things I ever had to learn in life is that the things that I love won’t always love me back. It is heartbreaking. It is disappointing. But I have learned that this is just the way it is. Sometimes we have to get sad and cry and then the next day we have to put on our combat boots of life and stomp through the best we can. We can’t get disappointed when the world doesn’t give us what we gave it.
Following your dreams has little to do with talent. It has more to do with being a fighter, relentless in your dedication and focused. Someone once said that I should, “stop talking about hard work because I got handed everything on a silver platter.” I wish that were true. I work hard and fight hard and really, only the last few years has really loved me back. I attended seven auditions in the last week, four in the last two days, along with dance classes, television classes and three rehearsal days. I book one out of every 20 jobs I audition for. I walk around feeling pretty terrible about myself most days. There are a hundred dancers better than me and a hundred worse.
But I love dancing. I love my place in the universe. I love this life even when it doesn’t love me back. I moved to New York in a slow winter with $500 in my pocket. I made this life for myself, and I take full responsibility for all my successes and failures. As far as forgiveness goes, I’ve also learned that there is nothing more divine you can do than forgive someone who has wronged you.
As humanity evolves, we must take every day and every breath as if it’s the first, last and only thing we have. If we constantly work on ourselves, our souls, and dealing with the influx of emotions, grudges, ego, hurt, happiness, forgiveness, resentment and mistakes, then we have only grown to deal with the past. If we see things and people in our lives as they were yesterday, then there has been no growth. We must give each
other the constant ability to change. Everything that happened in the past never happened. I do not know that person or those days. I only know this day, this person standing before me and the words and actions as they say or do them in front of me. We must let everything and everyone in our lives evolve.
I’ve had amazing conversations with each of my rockstars and it really is true when they say time heals all wounds. It does. Things that seemed so important to me then are meaningless now. I said I would love my rockstars forever, and I meant it. I just love them in a different way. I’m thankful for the challenge of healing my heart after they left, because without them I would’ve never hit rockbottom and had to find my way out. On the way out of heartbreak, I found the most beautiful love ever, and after years of searching, crawling and confusion, I found the one true love of my life – myself."
I love you little army. Enjoy the holidays.
Courage. Passion. Hard work.
