Sunday, January 31, 2010

Is that a heartscar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I wonder why it is that people always place such importance on a certain time frame. I always hear things like, I am not ready, I am not there yet. When did the world get filled with people who thought that there was ever going to be a good time and place?

The bottom line is that if you wait too long for the perfect moment, that moment will pass you by. There is never going to be a "good" time to do anything. You most likely will never be skinny enough, your hair won't ever be right, and your calender won't ever line up with everyone else's. The secret to life is just jumping in anyway.

These are the days of your life. We only get a precious few. So be present. Instead of living in past and revelling in the sadness, or dreaming of the future and that magical day when everything will be "okay". It's never gonna be okay.

Most likely your scars won't ever heal, instead of living inside those scars why don't you go and exist in spite of them?

My heart scars are just something I wear around every day of my life. They fit nicely in the pocket of my jacket, and sometimes I hide them under a hat. When someone hurts you, you have to refuse to let them win. They already broke your heart and now you are going to give them more of your precious short life by living in a state of emotional paralysis? That means they win. They get all of you, and all of them, and all of whoever they have moved onto and are madly in love with now, that isn't you. Why should this person get all of you? they shouldn't.

We cannot control what people do to the softest parts of us, all we can control is what we do with what we have left.

I chose love.

dances + sings

I have been running around with all sorts of negativity threatening to come spilling out of my mouth. I am having fake "in the car" conversations with people that will never happen. I am fighting the urge to call people out on their yuck. I hate this feeling. It happens to everyone though sometimes. I woke up this morning with disappointment running through my veins. I felt heavy. I knew I needed to get to a class to let it all out. There was not a class, so I made one. Thanks to the wonderful Christina Perri.

someone asked me what I think about when I dance.

I don't think.

I feel.

I feel all the things that no matter what words I used, could never be understood. I feel all the things that I say I have forgotten, but never have. I feel the feeling of being so let down, again. I feel what 3 years of blogging, 53,867 words in a book, and a journal pasted back and forth between me + my best for ten years might never be able to explain.

I am a very complicated species.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I don't get mad, I get disapointed.

there is this great quote (iwtfy?) about not letting people treat you badly, and that they need your permission for that. I love that. It is so true.

I live in a magical world where I like to highlight and gold star all the good stuff and skim over the bad stuff when it comes to human interaction. I see only the good in people, and I can play along with stupid excuses all night long. This is a very bad habit because I tend to romanticize everything and everyone. I never see people for who they are. I see them instead for who I want them to be to me. The stupid thing is that, people will show you who they are, their intentions and what kind of importance they place on you. My head is just usually too far in the clouds to see it.

I saw a therapist once who made me write down a list of acceptable ways for people to treat me. Some of the things on my list were:

be nice to me
do what you say you are going to do
be honest

I always go back to this list because I remember being told that my list was pathetic and that these were BASIC human respects and that I should never have to aim so low.

These things are like breathing, and every human should be doing them.

But not everyone does. why?

Friday, January 29, 2010

she is golden.

I feel so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I was OVERWHELMED with the bday love yesterday.

I spent many years not celebrating my bday, or throwing really cool bday bash's for other people because I always felt like buying your own cake, or planning your own party was lame. Guess what? It is not. I collected all my best friends into a magical room and it was the best birthday I have ever had. Why? because if you give people the opportunity to show you how much they love you, they will. And it's the best kind of love, the "I've been with you through thick and thin, I've seen your morning hair, I have cried+laughed+yelled with you" kind of love.

That is the best kind.

I am not lonely. I am just alone.
I am not in love. But I am loved.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I dug this grave. It fits me perfectly.

There is a large part of me that really, honestly believes that I was just not made for loving. I was made for working.

It's sad and it's happy.

and it's sad.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I just enjoyed 48 hours at home. I got to snuggle with Hobo, hang with my mom + dad + bro and turn around a fly right back to LA for rehearsals for my first booked job in LA!

Last night my family + I got in a 3 vehicle car crash. It was night, the road were terrible. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt. The crash was scary + reminded me that in an instant how much life can change, just a few inches more and my mom + would have been pancakes. I was shaken up, of course, but more than that I was impressed.

I usually give the credit to my patient, polite demeanor to my little Buddha of a mom. But last night I realized that my own father is the classiest man that ever lived. It is hard to actually put into words, but my dad is just such a good man. After the accident, the first thing he did was jump out of the car to make sure everyone was okay, it was not about blame, or cost, or ruined cars it was simply, are we all ok? When the other cars started picking a fight with my father, he stood there, calm and simply walked back to our car. He came said, all that matters is that no one got hurt, that is why we have insurance, and why it is called an “accident”. No one would wish to spend hours waiting in the freezing Canadian winter surrounded with ambulances + police men. duh.

I learned something from my Dad last night. There are two ways you can respond when life throws you a giant punch. You can kick + scream + be awful or you can stand straight, be kind, respectful and focus on the important stuff.

In my life, I have been terrible at doing this, whenever “accidents” happen I am the first to cry, the first to call for the end of the world, the first to put on my life jacket and be prepared to sink.

My dad taught me last night that a quiet demeanor, a strong reputation and a clear focus on the important things is far better than a safety net because let’s face it, in this crazy world, nothing can save us but ourselves.

and maybe our daddies.

Friday, January 22, 2010


you know how everything thinks their child is the best + prettiest?

so do I.

I've been home less than 12 hours + she has not left my side. She slept on TOP of me all night. I wish that humans were able to give love the way doggies can, hobo is so loyal, so snuggly, and just wants to be loved so badly that all she can do is kiss, cuddle and love on anyone that comes her way.

I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love this doggie.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Maybe Charlie was wrong. The picture was not beautiful because she was beautiful, it was beautiful because he took it.

The night is not perfect because the sky is clear, the rain has stopped, the coffee is frothy, my scarf is soft, the traffic is light, the city is beautiful, the soundtrack is delightful- it is perfect because he is.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010


First of all happiest bday to my sister shushu. if you are not already following her blog well, you should. She is delicious.

So, first week in El Lay is under my belt. I am not longer sleeping on the floor, I know my cross streets, I have a semi-sweet ride. I had some bad auditions. I had some bad gut feelings.
I had some moments of "I love LA!" followed almost immediately with "I HATE LA!".

Last night, I went to the causecast event at Les Deux. All the proceeds from the evening went to and bettering the world. Delicious. I brought along my neighbour C.perri and she turned to me mid-party and said something so epic.

"It smells in here"

I asked "like what"


So true. I couldn't put my finger on what I was seeing all week. The girls who all look the same, as if there was only ONE kind of beautiful and it came in leather leggings, ankle boots and long bleach Blondie hair extensions. Watching people in a room and realize that it is all one big competition to out "cool" each other, for attention and to be the best, prettiest, richest, most popular.

I myself, had a certain stench around me also, desperation, but for different reasons. I am newbee to LA and I am eager as hell to prove that I can book work on both coasts. I attended an audition this week and got cut FIRST ROUND. Devastating. I cannot remember the last time I auditioned and didn't make it past, at the very least, the first cut. I spent the rest of the week in a pathetic pity party of, "what have a done-when is the next flight to NYC?"

Last night after the party Chris sat me in her car and mentioned that I seemed sad. I told her I was just disappointed. In myself. In how I can let the silver lining of what might be in my heart leave me utterly distracted in my work. How one bad audition makes me feel like throwing years of hard work away.

I woke up this morning and headed to a new audition. This time, knowing I wasn't even available to work the dates (I'm heading to Canada this week). Instead of bathing myself in "eau de desperation" I just went to dance, have fun, and enjoy my body. I ended up loving the combo, dancing my butt off, and walking out feeling that old familiar feeling of - I left it all on the floor-

30 minutes later I received a text from the choreographer saying good job + that I was on the radar to be booked.

Bottom line:

Never love anything because you are desperate for it to love you back. Not a city, not a job, not a man. Hold true to who you are, believe in yourself- your talents, your personality + your quirks.

You are not going to be right for everything, or everyone.

But if you give up when it gets hard, you give up your chance to be right for something or someone <3

Monday, January 18, 2010

dear little army.

First of all, thank you for loving + following + commenting + reading. The past four years of this blog have been so amazing + I am happy that you come here daily to share life + love + hope with me.

Below are a list of official sites that I am a part of- Please visit, re-visit, tweet, re tweet, tell your friends, tell your haters, tell your doggie, comment to me, comment about me, sing a song, do a dance, email me, post a photo whatever you can so that I know who, what, where and what you love.

I thank you + love you. So much. My army.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

mean girl.

the act of not forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.

I spent so much of the last year biting my hate, suppressing my hurtful feelings and instead putting all of it on me. Yesterday I had the meanest day of my human life, I told two different people what I honest thought about them and what they were doing with their lives, that I think they are complete fuck-ups. Yup. Little old me. The girl who never hates anyone and never has anything bad to say. I pride myself on being able to be a compassionate human and seeing the good in everyone. I just, got to a point where I have watched enough people blow the amazing chances they were handed on a silver platter and it is annoying looking through the eyes of someone who has had to beat, cry and struggle her way to even a tenth of that luck.

I said to Alex " I am being such a brat! I am never like this! Don't you ever just feel like being hones?"

He replied "Of course i do! Were only human".

The gross thing is that I am able to do this because I am fearless about the outcome. You can only really be cruel to someone when you expect the words to be the last you ever say. You truly do not care.

Apparently, people bring down other people to feel better about themselves. That is what I have always been told. I don't know why I did it, but...I surely do not feel any better about myself. I hate myself a little today actually.

Bottom line: Take the high road. Low road is filled with low life's. Being a low life feels gross.

good thing it is always day one.

day one.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Maybe I am a little slower than the rest of the planet when it comes to heart healing but I own my past. I am not afraid to say, yea, it hurt, yea, it took me forever and a day to be okay about it. I do not shy away from hard questions or huge failures. I learned more from the failures then I ever did from being on top. I learned more about myself from being hopeless and crawling out from that deep, dark depression than I ever did when things were easy. I am glad I felt that way, I am glad it hurt so bad because it is the only way that I can understand how lucky I am to feel so happy.

Last night I had an amazing conversation about warning signs. How because we are falling for someone we look past all the signs that maybe, this is not the right person for us. I can rationalize a terrible haircut and a terrible boyfriend till the cows come home. And I have.

The great thing about being without love in your heart for so long is that, the influx of it, of someone new and special and wonderful feels like a mix between, fairy dust, cupcakes + heaven. I knew in my heart that I did not just want to "replace" anyone, for the sake of not being alone. I am fine being alone. I knew that at some point I would meet someone who stitched up that last little tiny open sore of my lovescar. Honestly. Not because I wanted to prove that I was okay, or that I could. Because I felt it. I knew what I was looking for. I knew that if I kept my hopes high and my view of what I wanted in front of my eyes that at some point, there would be someone who did not disappoint.

the next time you feel like you have no options, that maybe, "sort of terrible" is the best you will ever get, or that, it feels scary to forge out into that big old dating world to find someone new instead of going back to "treats you like shit" just remember that, being alone means you are available for someone heart changing. If you are too busy looking at "treats you like shit" you won't ever look over and see the spectacular things that are just past them.

I love the feeling of having chairs pulled out for me, doors opened for me and for sweet, innocent nervous kisses on the cheek.

If it's a broken heart then face it.
Hold your own.
Know your name.
Go your own way.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

fresh starts. fresh hearts.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I have spent tons of time wishing I didn't have to go through this, or have that happen to me. At the time all of it, from getting cut at that big life changing audition or getting my heart broken by some guy seemed like the worst thing in the world. I wondered why me? why this? why now?

It all lead me here. To today.

All of those people I let in and then let go, and wondered if had made a mistake, all those chance I didn't take, or ones I did take and lost, suddenly they all make sense.

If I had to go through it all again, I would.

I would a thousand times for this.
I would a thousand times for you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I got on a 7 am flight to LAX from NYC yesterday morning and I wanted to cry. My mind was filled with questions like "why the heck am I doing this to myself?". I felt sick to my stomach, I felt high levels of scared shitless.

My idea for the year was to work bi-costally, as I always have. This time from LA and not NYC. A new city, a new apartment, a new car and a new agent all at one time.

I have spent the last 48 hours getting set up and over those hours I have come to realize that this was EXACTLY what I needed to do. I have 3 auditions already set up for this week. I have a bed. I have one of my bests just down the street. I was talking with my mom tonight and she said something so rad. She said that what is normal about me is that I feel scared. I am fearful of things but what is not normal about me is that I exist in spite of that fear. That I never let my fears stop me.

Listen, the big things. They are scary. Everyone gets scared. But the next time you feel like you cannot do something and start to talk yourself out of anything just think, that the best thing is your life could be right past that fear. Let life throw you the curve balls and make things hard- trust me, the universe will. But NEVER make things hard for yourself.

go. do it. do that thing that you are scared of. right now.

I am.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

god bless new york city.

sorry i am missing in action. enjoying my final days with my lover.

back soon.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

the book.

speak the truth.

even if your voice shakes.

my truth might not always be pretty. but it is who I am, what I have lived and that i believe.

I have 45,670 words of my truth to share. wish me luck. it's a big day for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Lady Danger double so sexy.

I made it!

My husband Adam is the cutest!

The A-team cast.

When I was a little girl all I wanted to be was a Radio City Rockette. I never dreamed that my dream job would become such a defining subject in my life. For all the hardships, broken bodies, long hours, travels logged, and pure exaustion- it is still the best thing in my life. These people are my best friends, I have made more memories this year than I can handle. Thanks to the Radio City A-team 2.0 for a truly spectacular season. We did it- 31 cities over 140 shows! I am so proud of everyone.

I will never forget:

-The time I got bedbugs + took benadryl for the itchies and fell asleep on the shine stairs during rehearsal
-The great flood of the Hershey Arena
-My awesome accent.
-Lady danger.
-the leg catch turn.
-All of chances children.
-The ragdoll theme day for Tandi Iman Dupree.
-"put your romper on shu, we are going to target"
-Having my brother see me dance, finally.
-Toronto and the most magical night ever with D. I was infinite.
-Alana Boyd, my dresser, who I knew for one show, leaving me love advice on my mirror.
-the reindeer prance
-My reindeer boots, with their tounge out make the sound AHHHHHHHH.
-Dancing beside the amazingness that is Shoppe.
-The dave cave, in every city.
-Mole shows!

I wish that everyone, no matter what their dream is, one day gets the chance to have it come true. I encourage everyone to look at the big picture and the end goal. It is easy to get off course, or distracted. It is easy to see a massive audition with 600 girls and get scared and not go in, but, they have to pick someone, and that someone could be you!

never. never. never give up.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

little miss. obsessive.

I spent alot of time in airports. If you see a girl that looks like this... come over and say hi. But don't spill her tea, she hates plastic lids. Please appreciate the fact that even while blogging I have spot on turnout. dancers unite!

I am off to put my partypants on at our closing night party. If you are not following my neighbour C.perri on her blog-you should. I am sharing with you her entry because it is brilliant + it makes so much sense.

"so… “its complicated.” second movie i’ve seen in a row about infidelity. yesterday it was painted with music, feather boas, and Italian charm. tonight it was portrayed with belly laughs, alcohol, and old people. both had happy endings. really? is that how it’s always supposed to go? life’s not one hundred and fifteen minutes. it doesn’t have montages and perfect makeup. i don’t quite understand how cheating can be so popular. and how excepted it is in hollywood and our homes.

i dont know about you, but i think it hurts. it still hurts. its been six years since my heart was first broken. the kind of broken that feels life threatening. its been mended with band-aids and new love along the way but it never fully healed. how can it? if hearts actually heal then that sharp pain wouldn’t come back. it wouldn’t come back when we hear their first name. it wouldn’t come back when we smell them in someone else. it wouldn’t come back when we’re sleeping and our subconscious reminds us and wakes us. it wouldn’t come back when we just think about it for a split second.

so what’s with all the fun and games about it? why make it so entertaining? i get that its “real life.” and that’s what movies are for— pretty ways of tantalizing our imaginations for a couple hours—but ouch.

our tolerance for dishonesty is gross.

our understanding and awe for the heartbreaking protagonist is grosser.

and i don’t think it’s complicated at all. "


Friday, January 1, 2010


"I have spent all my life with dance and being a dancer. It's permitting life to use you in a very intense way. Sometimes it is not pleasant. Sometimes it is fearful. But nevertheless it is inevitable." -Martha Graham

Martha. The woman who once famously said "Our arms start from the back because they were once wings." The very same quote that I have had hanging on my dressing room spot all Rockette season this year.

I have a very vivid image myself in grade 10, my year of performing arts high school. Think, "fame" the movie, but with a way longer bus ride and in the ghetto of the city. I took two classes that year that inspired me to be a dancer, one was contemporary and the next was choreography. In my contemporary class I was forced to learn all the vocabulary of the Graham "technique", this in addition to all my regular school classes, and my nighttime dance lessons and weekend job (working making pizzas!) was very overwhelming- I can only remember fragments, even now. What I do remember is that Martha taught me as a dancer to look at my body as a separate entity and as a tool. That each movement could be broken down into its very core intent. Flick, Slap, Spin.

I love this video because she speaks about the use of gravity as a dancer. We are always trying to defeat the very thing that keeps us on the planet. We aim to jump higher, spend a longer time suspended and fight our own inevitable fall back to earth.

I do this all the time. Guilty as charged. Not only in dance but in everyday life. The sad thing is that there are very big parts of my that still wholeheartedly believe that gravity is just not for me. That everyone else around me is bound to the rules of the world-and I skip around still believing that I can fly, soar, that I am a princess, that I actually exist in a romantic comedy, that the world has to be fair to everyone else but me, and that I should only get the good stuff, the sunny days and the lighthearted feelings of love and adoration.

Graham says that we cannot deny ourselves gravity, the weigh of it all. That it isn't about pretending this powerful life force doesn't exist but accepting this downward pull, and existing...and soaring, in spite of it all.

Last night, as I stood on top of a very high building, ringing in the new year, watching my friends kiss and cuddle, and watching the fireworks in the sky... I thought about gravity. I let the weight of it all sit on my chest. The pressures I feel to be everything, to everyone, at all times. The pressures I feel to succeed, more. To gain, more. To be, more. Instead of wishing the heavy parts of me didn't exist, I let them fall to the ground for the start of a new year-

Sometimes we do not get to choose what pulls us down, we cannot deny that pull. If you are like me, you just learn to fly, in spite of it all.

Happy New Year.