Wednesday, October 14, 2009

No it doesn't hurt unless I walk.

You don't have to call
to make sure I'm up
cause i'm still wide awake
cause i'm still lost in shock
I know your concerned
I know your just sick
and I know you'd feel better
if I were over it

Today was breakdown day. I woke up with a serious case of the grumpies. I had been feeling it come on for some time, and at some point between getting 6000 notes and feeling like the most terrible dancer ever in the morning and making stupid mistakes somewhere in the afternoon I found myself in tears in front of my entire cast-crying and cursing god and santa.

The strongest disappointments happen when we set such high expectations for ourselves. If I was okay with being a floater in life and in dance I would not have a reason to get so upset. I expect so much out of myself and my body and when people (whose job it i to point out my flaws) find alot of them, I have a very hard time accepting that. I really feel like I am the worst dancer ever today. I realize I am far away from being the best dancer in the room at any time, but I like to think that I can hold my own with the middle of the pack. I may have been forced to realize that this is just not the case.

I think today had something to do with the fact that I had a terrible sleep last night. I had a serious case of the crazy pain legs and kept waking up with pain and ache that I could not calm down. I laid and stared at the ceiling for a very long time. In the wee hours of the morning I had three great conversations with three important people, one of them being myself.

First of all, a lesson was taught to me yet again, about disappointment. This is something I constantly set myself up for. People who disappoint you in life will most likely just continue to do smarter than me and realize that back at disappointment number one. I like to think that people change, the people grow and that somehow I am sorry means I still love you when in fact it means, please do not hate me as much as I hate myself. My problem stems from never hating anyone, or anything. He likes to tell me he believes in happy endings but I think what we all need to realize is that, life is not something that it thrown at us, it is something we create. We control our own destiny. If you want a happy ending it is yours to hold. You just have to be willing to work a bit for it. People are afraid of happy endings because most of us are too sad and unsure of ourselves inside that we do not even believe that we deserve to have one. The difference between us is that, I know I deserve one. I think that some people instead of growing and creating a wonderful light in life seem to wallow in sadness and messiness. It is like, a comfortable home of disfunction. Although I can be quite dis functional at times, I choose want more from myself and others each day. Some days, like today can set me back but they can never break my spirit.

Secondly, I stayed awake to hear the words "my trip revolves around you". For someone who never seems to make it up to first place with anyone, this seems so exciting for me. I am constantly amazed with the things that people choose to create in their lives. I am humbled that while I am complaining of blisters and Santa Claus. He is telling me stories about this woman who chose to go blind so that her children could have eye surgery instead of her and that they got people to set up a paypal account and raised 13,000 YESTERDAY. For someone who sang Jingle Bells for the better part of yesterday I am reminded of how big the world is and how amazing some of the people are in it. Everyone should check out what the good and (good looking) people at are doing. Amazing.

Finally, I had a great conversation with myself. I have been expecting so much from myself and not really checking in to make sure that I still breathing. I am. I have had alot of clarity come my way in the past few weeks. I have been digesting alot of reasons, rules and reactions. I am still learning to just go with the flow. I tend to push so hard that I push past most of the world's delights. Say it with me, everything is exactly where it needs to be.

(Stacey Tookey did this on SYTYCDC this week. So amazing. Love the song as well.)