I don't like to lead a life filled with hate or resentment but I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the bad stuff today. I am thinking about the words "I am sorry".
This is a phrase that is overused in our daily lives. We bump into people on the street, fall on them on the subway, bump their carts in the store and we are sorry. We forget someones birthday, forget someones name or forget to email back right away and we are sorry. We miss a payment, miss a flight or miss an appointment and once again we are sorry.
We make promises we don't keep.
We forget to call back.
We lie.
And all of these things can be fixed with a simple "I'm sorry". The kicker is that most of the time, this lame explanation comes without any growth or substance from the guilty party. It is simply a way to get out out of being the bad guy. The sad thing is that a mistake is supposed to be something we learn from. We are all human, we are all going to make both big and small mistakes, but to me "I'm sorry" means, I DID NOT realize at the time that this would hurt/upset/cause stress for you and I regret that it happened and I will do my best to not do this thing again. It makes me seriously bummed when I see people making the same mistakes over and over again in life and expecting me to always accept their apology. "Sorry" was never ment to be your trip past go to collect 200 bucks and start the circle again. It is supposed to be starting point for a change in behavior.
This week I heard a song that made me want to puke. It is funny because we were just speaking about NYC and how great it is, and my old building and my old hangouts that he seems to frequent now, laughing, being silly and being friends. It felt great. I felt great. Hanging with all my bests here on tour and having them gush over the awesomeness that is holding my hand these days. Everything is exactly where is needs to be. Then I hear this song, and I cannot help but feel like I have been made the biggest fool of yet again. It is bad enough to make a fool of me, expect that a simple "I'm sorry" will fix it...but hearing a peppy, upbeat pop song about something that caused me huge amount of pain is a little disheartening. I don't think I like being a muse anymore.
I am a accepting enough person to write and say
"So, The other girl? not my favorite song ;/"
to which I get a
"oh yea. I'm sorry"
You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I feel like I have been pretty cool throughout all of this. Other girls would have burned your house down. When "I'm sorry" is a staple of your vocabulary is becomes useless. I want a change in behavior, a change in your character, and I know that is impossible to ask of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as YOU, and moving on.
I guess the lesson here is to be impeccable with your word and if that word is "SORRY" then make sure that you fix your mistakes. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Always.
