Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that takes all night to dream. It started with what's happening my real life, that each and every time I let my old lover into my world he finds a way to twist and turn my insides. His intentions are always selfish. I suppose this is the bonus of cutting someone out of your life. They cannot affect you any longer. But I do not have hate inside my heart and as always I have been hoping that eventually we could all get to a place where it was peaceful, undramatic and kind. So, I always respond. I shouldn't do that.

Anyways, I had a dream where me + him were away in the desert with no one around us. I said all the things I wish I had the balls to say in my real life, and he told me all the words that he hides behind his "happiness". The happiness he shows the world, and likes to tell me isn't the truth. There are so many versions of his truths that I stopped believing any of it a very long time ago. But in this dream, it was the most honest we had ever been, and even inside my dream I knew it was wrong. I knew that these words and thoughts and mid guided feeling would take me back to a place I hate to spend time in. He kissed me in my dream and I felt sad for myself. I felt sad that I have no idea how to be happy. I felt sad that I would spend so long clinging to what in all honestly was a shamble of a real relationship. I felt sad that I would risk losing someone so precious by taking this giant step back. In my dream world I was confused.

I woke up this morning to swoon standing over my bed. I have no idea how he got inside my room. He was wearing a green shirt. He was on his way to work and had driven across town to come and kiss me on the lips. He kissed me and walked out of my room. It was like he knew I was having heartmares. It was a if something in the universe told him that when I woke up I needed to know the answer. The answer is him.

The universe has proved to me that whatever doubts, fears and ugly little traces of him that might live deep in subconscious, those ugly little bastard thoughts that try to sneak out every once and a while, are absolutely no match for my real life. I am moving forward, letting the good guy win, and trying my very best to accept the love that I know I deserve and yet most of the time cannot comprehend. These ghosts-of boyfriends past love to try to haunt me on a daily basis. The make me fear my heart, my own thoughts and most of all love. You shouldn't have to fear love. The Beatles said it was all I needed.

I wish is was not such a struggle to be happy.
Please universe, do not let me ruin this.