Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The happiest loves become the next hopeless hearts.

I’ve caught myself saying “the universe is doing this to you because” so much more than usual lately. I have been saying this to my friends, my family and mostly to myself. I am not sure if it because I would go crazy without the constant reminder that the universe is unfolding as it should, or without the mindfulness that I have to have faith that these things I live through are for some reason that I do not get to know, some sort of stepping stone preparing me for some next great adventure I am about to have.

The universe gave me something I really, desperately wanted. Someone to adore me. Someone who jumped in with me fearlessly. Someone to call mine. When the universe gave me this gift I couldn’t help but jump up and down, scream it to anyone who would listen at the top of my lungs, and shove it everyone’s faces.

I am most like the girl who cried love.

I have spend most of my life willing fate. Many times I will walk out of an audition and begin telling people I have a job long before a contract is ever signed. I was talking about my dream book deal before I had even finished the book. Some people call this sort of living following “the secret”. Some friends of mine call it “putting it out into the universe”. I call it “being that crazy obsessive compulsive girl”.

The universe is a tricky little one though. As quickly as it threw me someone to dote on. It threw me headfirst into a situation where I would be forced to watched my ex dote on their new found mate. Instead of making me feel happy that I had someone new also, someone who in my mind was an upgrade on so many levels. It made me remember that new begins are wonderful, and that new beginnings eventually become hurtful endings. The source of my last great heartbreak was the band-aid that healed what was my first love. He was a new beginning that I had complete utter faith in. Maybe I am morbid for saying this, but it is not lost on me that, all the people I have ever given my heart to have sent it back to me in some sort of firey, burning mess of heartbreak, fiona apple record on repeat, sleepless night, puffy eyed mess of a soul shattering heart loss.

Instantly I started looking at my new mate with a different pair of eyes. Instead of being able to look with 18 year old fresh hopeless romantic eyeballs full of faith and love I was looking at him with ten years later and I really wish I had spent more time in ballet class and less time kissing toads who would eventually turn into a small collection of, what was I thinking? I am rethinking each and every moment, word, thought, idea.

Diving in head first is a delicious thing. This week in NYC spagatti said to me that I was such a contradiction because I am someone who cares greatly what other people perceive of me and yet continue to put myself out there at each and every chance I get, without a safety net for failure. It seems that someone like me might be slightly more careful of everyone watching me go down in flames.

Regardless, I have learned a really valuable lesson from the universe as of late. Slow down. Not everything needs a label, a contract, or a giant stamp of success. I have learned that I can write a to do list filled with bills to pay and contacts to email but hearts, they just do not work that way. Hearts are a delicate little thing that take time and trust and even a little bit of faith before they will ever be ready to open up. Falling in love cannot be checked off some magical list of things to accomplish.

The universe will give you what you ask for. Regardless of if you get to cross it off your to do list, a hearts work is never done. The happiest loves become the next hopeless hearts. For me, I am learning that I am not ready to give any of the precious pieces of myself that took me to long to pick up off the floor.