Monday, March 8, 2010

boy, looking back i see- i'm not the girl i used to be.

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas showing my spring line at a big dance expo that happens there each year. I also went to go see my old stomping ground and peepshow and take a look at peepshow version 2.0.

I lost my breath when i walked into the theatre because the smell, it had this aroma, or a memory attached to it, it was the smell of my own sadness. The way that room assaulted my nose made my heart tight, my eyes well up and emotion overwhelm me. I was taken back to exactly the way i felt a year ago. The smell literally reminded me of being sad. eau de heartbreak.

I still can't believe that most of last year even happened. It seems like it was a different lifetime. I have a hard time remembering the girl I was then (thankfully) and it overwhelms me to think how much has changed. I was sure I would live inside that sadness forever. I was so sure my heart would never heal. I was almost certain I would never love anyone ever again. I was sure it was my destiny to walk around with that particular scent of sadness following me and to fall asleep crying each night. To spend my time making lists of all the things that were wrong with me to deserve that kind of treatment. To spend most of the night trying to sort the difference between the people that say they love you and the people who do.

It is such a terrible feeling to be sad.
It is such a terrible feeling to be hopeless.

But how amazing that feeling that way is simply a memory that comes upon me so strongly it threatens to break my heart all over again? a memory instead of a reality.

I promise you, that if you just hold on- for even just one more day, that eventually you will be holding onto the day that you feel better. It takes a long time. But trust me, that day will come.

in the brilliant words of c.perri

"Yay 2010. See!
Time does keep going!
Wounds do mend!
Pain does pass!
And the good guy wins :)"

hold on. please. your brightest days are coming.