Every year around this day people ask me "What am I asking for?". I could make a list of things I would like in my collection of things, but travelling with an extra small suitcase this year and being homeless has placed huge limits of my collecting of "things". I love it because it reminds me that the things that I really should be lusting after are not things I can hold in my hands.
I have been thinking alot about the laws of attraction and the way the forces of the universe work. If you would have told me last Christmas that I would spend the better part of this year wishing for replacements + to find some sort of remnants of the woman I used to be, I would have never believed you.
If you would have told me that I would appear in every major dance magazine, get my own clothing line, have almost 10,000 people continue to follow me and allow me to inspire them on a weekly basis, that I would use my sleepless nights to write, what I think, is a delicious coming-of-age novel, I would have never believed you either.
This year, I was forced to have all these things I did not want surrounding me, and no matter who hard I tried to forget them or misplace them, I could not. They followed me wherever I went, 24 hours a day. I was chasing a memory, or maybe I was chasing a place without memories with so much effort that, of course, they were like magnets to my heart.
I was trying to hard to show anyone who would look or listen why, little old me, was deserving of the stars. I scared away many a folk in the process. I have heard the word "intimidating" way to much this year from the opposite sex. It became clear as day to me, that when it comes to our dreams, the best thing you can do for yourself is to chase them. When it comes to relationships...well, anyone you chase will usually run the opposite direction.
I am not sure why the world works this way. It is confusing, heartbreaking and at times, frustrating. But I assure you, that once you decide not to care anymore, every single person you pined over during all those sleepless nights will instantly be running along side you to catch up. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Seems funny, but if you put yourself first, everyone else will put you first.
This year is my first lonely Xmas in quite a few years. I'm lonely. I will admit it. There will be no magical Christmas morning for me, but just a day filled with my friends, a few phone calls and hopefully many cookies. I am swamped with memories and at the same time I am excited about the future. I think that being alone this season has made me fall madly in love with my job all over again. I found myself with a fresh intent to what I do. I wasn't just filling my days, I was dancing my days. Love that.
I feel like, if I had made a Xmas list that it would have been pointless. I got the greatest gift this year. The gift of strength, power and the ability to finally find myself, in all my million little broken pieces and where I belong in this little universe. It was not easy, and it certainly did not come wrapped in a box with a shiny bow. I have kicked, cried and complained my way through my keltie-reinvention. But it is the best gift I have ever received.
Being okay with yourself, your situations, your past, your present and hopeful for the future is priceless. Having an amazing family is priceless. Having friends like I have, honest and true and good and enlightening is priceless. I hope that everyone takes some serious time over the next few days and gives their priceless gifts some giant hugs.
“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
-Albert Einstein
Merry Christmas to my little army. I love you and I consider you one of my greatest gifts. Eat some home cooking for me!
