Friday, December 4, 2009

tittie pop. I need to stop.

On a day like today I have a hard time writing down what I feel. I think this is the reason for personal blogs and why, they are so un-understood and so loved by me. People ask me why I am such an open book, why I don't just hold it all in, save it for a chat. This is my answer: because sometimes when I cannot find my words, I use others, and I know, that somewhere, someone is using mine.

This week I signed a year lease to move to the city of Los Angeles. I have hated the idea of LA, what I have seen it do to people and the plastic of it for so long. I refused so many times to move out west when I was asked. I, being typical Keltie, can only do things when it is on my own skin, my own terms.

I have to start learning to stop. I decided the only way I can stay sane is to start new. A new city, a fresh hunger and a new outlook. I need somewhere that I can take Hobo on long beach walks. I really need to be closer to my mom. I woke up the morning of the VMAs in NYC a few months ago and realized that everyone had moved out West. (well, save a few) Yes, there is more work in LA, but it isn't work I am going after. I need to slow down, start "participating" in the dream life I have created. If I go to New York I won't stop, New York doesn't let me sleep. I need a break. I am moving 2 doors down from one of my favorite friends C. Perri. I can almost imagine the funny looks we will get from our neighbours as I scurry down the street to her place for a morning cup of tea. The greatest thing about her, is that she just gets it. She gets me. Sometimes we fall into our little worlds away from each other and then, when we see each other again, we fall back in love. She is now a blogger and I seriously think you should all be reading...

She wrote this: which is a strikingly accurate vision of my life also. enjoy.

"To freely bloom - that is my definition of success."

i haven’t bloomed—im still blooming.

i had no idea that when i turned fourteen i would become an adult. i had no idea that i’d be so good at acting twenty three to match my id, to match my peers, my idols, my brothers, and south street in Philadelphia at three am. i thought i had arrived. who needed proms and first dates and drinking beer in the woods? who needed butterflies and insecurity? who really needed high school everyday? “8 o clock in the morning I fall asleep” who needed an innocence to lose naturally? who really needed to learn lessons slowly? don’t all seventeen dancing queens soul search all over the world? don’t all nineteens swear it away? aren’t all twenty-one’s married around their picket fence? who really needed advice and to slow down? who really needed an italian smack in the head?

january seventeenth will say its been ten years.

i know, now, that i did. i needed it all.

but this smile tells you i didn’t. id believe me too.

“the farther behind i leave the past, the closer i am to forging my own character.”

i never stopped smiling. i traveled around like a feather. gently falling where i didn’t belong. gently landing in your arms. gently wanting to become you. gently regretting. and gently looking for strength to stand on.

then on this september fifteenth the record stopped skipping.

today i’m standing straight. and on both feet. i’m actually twenty three and i wake up late. i write songs about boys and fears. i obsess over vampires and lead singers. john paul george and ringo live in every nook and cranny again. i have trouble remembering to eat vegetables. i clean my room when it’s messy. i fall in love with movies and songs and palm trees at night. i pretend and i make believe. i don’t act like i know when i don’t know. i giggle and c.ry. i get nervous and overly excited. i’m sensitive and unsure. i have fun and laugh so hard my stomach hurts.

i didn’t go backwards. i just caught up and I’m just finally right sized and blooming