Friday, December 11, 2009

The giver.

We just finished watching the TV special “the making of a spectacular” on the bus. This appears on TV in all the cities that we visit on tour. I am feeling an immense amount of pride. The documentary follows us from rehearsals, through tech, dress rehearsals and finally opening the show. The film is narrated by my directors, producers and a few rockettes, including me!

It is a very strange feeling to look at what I do through these amazing eyes. When I take a step back, it seems so vast and amazing. I guess when you are living within it, on a day to day basis, it seems more normal. I see visions of us on stage, in rehearsals, and from a far, it is just such an amazing show and the talent of the women that I share the stage with, is so inspiring.

I have spent most of this season living very far away from the actual world I exist in. my mind has been spending most of the time in the “ when I get it all figured out” place, and not actually being present. I have spent time pulling at strings, following hopeless paths and trying my very best to prove to everyone else that I am enough. I have been the queen of- "but I am this, and that, and I’ve done, this, and that, and these are all great reasons for you to love me or respect me."

I have been giving, everyone but me, huge amounts love and attention. Hanging by a thread on coattails, words and promises. Waiting. Trying to be everything, to everyone and missing out on meals, sleep and sanity in the midst.

Pulling back, looking at my life from a birds eye view way up in the nosebleed section of some random sold out arena, I can honestly say that I see myself as about 10% as special as I appear from a distance. I like this fact because it keeps me hungry for more, to do more and become a better person. I hate this fact because I feel like I owe it to myself to be a little kinder to my insides.

I spent a really long time feeling important because of what everyone else around me was doing. Peepshow was special, not because I was there, but because this or that star was there. The VMAS were special not because I was there but because of who I was dancing beside. The Rockettes are special, not because I am one of them, but because of the image that I see of 24 beautiful women up on stage.

I am determined to start seeing that the missing piece -the secret of life, is realizing that it isn't about all the shiny sign, or the credit or the work, it is about me. It isn’t about the fact that I get to live my dream and do really cool things, it is that I am there, doing these amazing things. Instead of pondering how I can turn these things into words, pictures, or future endeavours I should just look around, see how amazing it is and know that this is enough.

Maybe this is what is missing in our world right now. All these people running around wanting more, thinking the grass is greener, and never being able to be content with all the blessings they have.

Looking around me today the sun is shining, I have a delicious chai tea latte in my hands + some dope James Morrison tunes in my headphones + a giant purple hat. I am riding the bus to our next stop, surrounded by my best friends, living the dream. My dream. And it is enough.