Tuesday, April 6, 2010

you need to know I'd do this all again, just to get where I am.

Photo credit: Dirty Sugar Photography

I had a delicious conversation last night. A friend of mine was pining over some heartbreak. His girlfriend and him had split, then gotten back together, and then split once again. I asked him a really great question after listening to the story...

"why would someone as awesome as you,(young, sexy, successful, outgoing) want to spend their Friday nights in therapy working on a relationship with THIS person, instead of living your awesome life, and possibly meeting someone new, without all the baggage? What makes HER worth all the hard work?

Are you attempting to fix this relationship because you really feel like it can work, or is worth it?

OR (as I suspect) are you like me, fixing the relationship because you hate to fail?

It is an interesting thought isn't it? I am a perfectionist. I hate to fail. I finish things that I start. I am a "do'er". My friend allie actually renamed her version of "getting shit done" to be "keltie my way through it".

I was thinking last night maybe the reason so many of us hang on way past a relationships expiry date is because of our own sense of failure.

I said I would love you forever. So I will.
I said I would always take care of you. So I will.

And so, against my better judgment, when it comes to love, I hang on way too long. I hate to fail. I always think there is some magical way that I can make it work. If I just "keltie my way through it" eventually I will get to the point I want to be at. Sadly though, this works when it comes to finding auditions, going to dance class, creating clothing lines, writing books, blogging, doing choreography...

I have been haunted by dreams the last few weeks. Reliving the past, waking up with a rebroken heart. I hate that. I have realized that in my three giant adult relationships I have been abandoned each time. I carry a sense of abandonment around as my version of heartache. It isn't one person, or one thing, or one time, it is a giant duffel bag full of hurt. Maybe living through this is what has made me such a do'er, such a fighter. You left me, but I won't ever leave myself.

I am learning that there are things in life worth fighting for.
Then there are times where it is okay to fail.
You are one of the things on my list.
I swore I would love you forever, and I failed.