Tuesday, April 20, 2010

worst of me.


Hate does the exact opposite of what you want it to.
You want hate to make the object of your hate disappear or fall into a black hole and exist somewhere else. It doesn't. Hate draws attention. Hate makes you notice. Hate burns your skin, soul and heart. People hate people for tons of different reasons, sometimes for something they deem unforgivable, or most likely something that they see in the other person that they wish they could have, be, or do.


Jealousy works the complete opposite way that you want it to. I rarely get jealous but when I do it is the dirtiest, meanest, cruelest kind. I question the universe. Why, if I am SUCH an amazing good person that these other seemingly less deserving people are getting what I want? The sad thing is that, I am no better than them if I am acting one way to the outside world and inside me are dirty, ugly feelings of jealousy.

I spent most of the last 3 days verbalizing the horrible gross feelings that were brewing inside me. I was vicious and nasty and you know what? I cried the whole way home from the airport today, because no matter how jealous and cruel I am to someone else, it changes NOTHING. It makes me feel dirty and horrible and it has zero effect on them, or the situation. Sometimes I just want to find Jennifer Aniston and give her a giant old hug. I totally get her. I wish SHE had a blog, I would read it.

Guess what big girls and boys- We get what we get in life. None of it is fair. Karma is a slow moving beast. We rarely get what we deserve and we even rarer still deserve what we get. We are all wonderful and we are all horrible. Our only hope should be to have enough love and courage in our hearts to talk down the devil that sits on our shoulder and instead create an image of light and compassion.

Others are beautiful, rich, talented, and have all the things I lost in their hands and there is nothing I can do about it except wake up tomorrow and try to be a better person than I was today. It seems impossible right now but I have the highest hopes for tomorrow.