Saturday, September 18, 2010

i wont be there when word gets round/i won't be there when ur luck runs out/cause ur someone else's baby/yeah ur someone else's crazy now.

-matt nathanson

Oh matt nathanson why are you so perfect? It's been a really weird month because I have been working so hard on my book and reading over + edits + thoughts + press and all things that story. That story feels like something I made up in my head and never actually lived through, because I feel like I am such a different person now.

I spent most of my life being a co-dependant. I've actually had therapists tell me I had a "condition". Since grade 9 I always had a boyfriend, most of them I didn't like, or even spend any time with, but I had none of the tools necessary to make myself happy. I only existed on the compliments and praise of whoever was my #1 at the moment. I was the Julia Roberts in runaway bride, I liked whatever you liked, because I wanted you to like me.

Most people think that my book is going to be one big tell all about some guy I dated once, and sadly, they will be disappointed (sorry trash sites and haters!) The story isn't about anyone else but me. I wrote the story so that you all could find those little pieces of yourselves that YOU see in me, in this story also. It is so common, pretty, talented, smart girls who don't even like themselves that much and cannot exist without focusing 95% of their day on whatever love interest in in their eyesight at the time. I lived that way for a very long time. I was only great, because they were great.

When it came to living alone for the first time in my life a few years ago, it wasn't just a case of "my heart is broken and I need to get over you". It was a case of, "I have no idea how to be alone, and I am not even sure that I like myself enough to want to be alone with myself." Sad words. Big lesson.

Look, we all have flaws. I can point this finger and say, this person did THIS to me or that person did that to me. But the bottom line is that, I was never ready to be in any kind of relationship any of those times. That wasn't really love, it was obsession. For me I had a giant check-list of things that I wanted from life. Live in NYC. Check. Dance with the Rockettes. Check. Be in a music video. Check. Fall in love. ummmm?

Love isn't something that you can "work" your way into, or something that you can magically check off your to do list, or get in the dollar bins at target. I wanted to be in love, I thought I had found the guy (more than once) and so I did everything in my power to make that love work, and never once stopped to think- Am I happy? DO I want this? Is this the kind of life I want?

Matt writes "ur someone else's crazy now". I love that line because it is so true. I used to think that crazy was artistic, and that artistic was exciting and exciting was cool and that cool was what I wanted and that all of it was love. I was a fool.

When someone loves you, you will know.
But no one is gonna love you, if you don't love yourself.

Take the time to have a relationship with your soul. Be alone. Strengthen your morals and honor. Find out what you really like. Love yourself. Love will find you.