Sunday, September 12, 2010

I think the most important lesson I have ever learned in my life is how to be alone. We, as humans and mostly as girls, are all pretty bad at being alone. I think it is our generation of people, we live in an instant gratification kind of world where nothing we do is really done until we post it on our facebooks or twitter.

A long time ago, we all used to do the things we loved, hung out with the people we loved and talked to the people we loved because that is what we wanted to do. We never worried about what the world might see, or comment on, we just were. We didn't fish around for praise and we were not invited into the inner most thoughts of total strangers.

In the past few weeks I have been hiding. From you, from the world and from all mentioned above. I have simply been keeping my inner most thoughts and events into my innermost circle. It is amazing how different life feels.

Last night I was sitting at the 101 after the perez vma party. I was thinking. Cool, just attended the coolest VMA party of the year, met perez, danced away the night where all the "cool" people were. In a year I won't remember that party because to me, it was pretty meaningless. I never wanted to be a part of that world. What I will remember is sitting with my best friend in sparkly dresses where we always sit drinking milkshakes and feeling my youth literally buzzing around between the hipsters and the fries. I will remember laughing, drawing and feeling happy to be alive. Not because of some cool party, but because I am young and hungry and confused,inspired and have the laugh at the way the world works! I can honestly say that I spend the majority of the last decade defending myself or trying to somehow validate myself as a human. What a waste of time. If only I had spent less time "trying" and more time "living".

I hope that everyone can remember that this is a really amazing lesson. How to be content. How to be alone. How to know that what you are doing with your life, and your friends and your time is important and precious. Maybe it isn't on tv, or in the news or tabloids but to love yourself and find your own worth in the things that you enjoy...I have a feeling that this might lead to true happiness.

Sometimes in my darkest moments I forget just how lucky I am. There are stars in the sky, friends at the ends of my hugs and hope in my heart.
I am learning to accept that those things are enough, and that I am enough.